am i just stupid to do it again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
am i just stupid to do it again?
18
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 3:43pm
well i know i posted asking whether or not i should tell that guy i like him,which i havent but now i have another issue..my exboyfriend and i are friends now, we broke up because he cheated on me well we decided on this kind of FWB things (i know i should just give up on those lol they just cause me so many problems!) but anyway so he was also overseas and he came back and i have stayed at his house twice now...since going out to sea (it was his first time) he has changed a lot, for the better. before he left he didnt have one permanent place to live he would stay at my house or his brothers or his moms, now he has an apartment, him and i are real with each other we dont lie to each other any more his whole attitude on life has changed for the better. but anyway now that we have been spending time together and talking on the phone like everyday im starting to think that i still love him...i know they say once a cheater always a cheater but do you think its possible he really may have changed? i dont know his feelings about all this at this point..i want to tell him how i feel (unlike with the other guy, im not scared to tell my ex) but i know if we decide to get back together now or just wait it out and maybe see what happens later i will have no support from anyone but him and his family and friends. my friends of course think hes stupid and an ass because he cheated on me. when i realized i started to feel this way i couldnt even call my best friend becuase i know she would have sayed i told you so, so i had to call one of his bestfriends cuz i really needed someone to talk to.i dont know do you guys think it would be stupid of me to give him another chance? i know i said i like the other guy but i know hes not ready for a serious relationship and everything and right now thats what i want. i dont know if i would be making a big mistake by bringing this up and possibly getting back with my ex...what do you guys think???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 4:37pm

You say you are just "real" with your ex about everything now, nothing to hide....? Is he wanting to try again with a real relationship or is he happy with the current fwb situation? You said he changed, but what does that mean? He has grown up, or found some stability in his life to where he wants to settle down? And if so, has he told you how he really feels about you? The saying once a cheater stuff is sometimes true but not always. People change if they really want to change, was he just not into you when he cheated on you before? The circumstances are so iffy as to why people cheat. When you two broke up, was he devestated and wanting you back all this time, swearing to change his dawg ways? You didn't say, so it seems like you are crushing again, having great sex, and falling for something comfortable and assuming alot about his feelings and his hearts direction.

Talk to him, it's the only way. You are already risking your heart by staying involved with ex's and attempting fwb's with your heart on your sleeve. Best of luck to you, and of course you are not stupid, just be smart about whats really going on. You'll only get hurt if you assume everything without talking to him about where you two stand. Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 6:17pm
thanks for the advice...yes i have nothing to hide from him anymore i can tell him anything (we used to have a really bad communication problem) when he cheated he didnt tell me ill change i swear blah blah blah maybe he told him self he was gonna change i dont know but to me it seems like he has changed in the sense that he has grown up a lot. which he has told me also (that hes grown up and changed a lot) hes stable as far as a home situation and now financially (also a problem in the past, he was always struggling with money working all the time just to get by) i do plan on talking to him about this as soon as possible so we dont continue this FWB thing and someone getting hurt in the end. if i know him like i think i do (yet i thought he would never cheat on me also) then by his actions and the way he is to me and around me i think hes gonna have pretty similar feelings...but im still stuck about telling my best friend..i am more scared to tell her than to tell him that im still in love with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 6:35pm
If you can't even tell your best friend there's definitely something up. And let's not forget that he's been on a ship for forever - that'll change any guy and make needing a FWB all that more appealing. You're not stupid for your feelings, but you were definitely foolish to get into a FWB situation when you yourself know how they've worked out for you in the past. Woman always do these things insisting that it won't affect them emotionally and yet it seems that deep down they're hoping that if they sleep with the guy that he'll want to be their boyfriend. That's simply not the case which is why it's usually not a good idea. FWB only works for women with really strong senses of themselves who don't have strong emotional ties with sex. This clearly isn't the case with you. You need to back out of the FWB thing, see how he responds (he's obviously going to be irritated that the free sex is gone - but how does he react emotionally), and then go from there. As long as you're sleeping with him you'll never know how he truly feels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:13pm

the only reason i am having trouble telling my best friend is because i know shes gonna be mad because she knows hes hurt me before and she doesnt want me to get hurt again...her opinion matters to me more than anyones but also if i know i truly still love him i cant let her keep me back from my feelings. i have to disagree with "As long as you're sleeping with him you'll never know how he truly feels." because i know if i tell him how i feel hell be real hes not gonna lie to me just to get sex, he could get it anywhere he doesnt necessarily need me for that. im telling him tonight how i feel and im just gonna see where it goes from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:09am
So how did it go?? I really understand about the telling your best friend. She is probably just looking out for your best interest, and you don't want to dissappoint her by going back to something that caused you hurt. Anyone who cares about you would have the same concerns. But I bet she won't shun you, she'll be cautious but deep down just happy for you. Of course she wants you to be happy in the end, so I think she will be suppportive and tell you to guard your heart. I too was embarrassed to tell my best friend when I would talk to my ex or for awhile I was sleeping with him. But when I told her, she just hugged me and hung in there with me when I was high and happy and then down and out with another heart break. Give more credit to your friend, she's your friend for a reason. She might be upset that you would keep such important things going on right now in your life a secret, then if it works out or blows up , you won't have her to lean on. Best wishes
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:10pm
it went great last night! i went over there and i said i dont know how else to say this but i love you and he said aww you know i love you too but i thought because of all that happen we werent gonna tell each other that and i said i know but i really love you a lot. and he said so what now and then he said should we continue what we got going and just see where it goes from there and i said yes! see the old him i knew would have just wanted to rush right in to things but he said lets not rush anything since last time that caused problems...i am really happy right now! and i think im just about ready to tell my best friend. see shes engaged to her boyfriend and everyone is against it but i have been right there supporting her from the beginning so i think she can see where i am coming from. my ex is just scared what my family and best friend are gonna think of him if we do get back together tho and i said i dont care its not up to them this is our relationship not theres. they all know what happen when we broke up the first time thats why hes scared but other than that things are working out great. i am still free to see anyone else and so is he yet its always in the back of our minds that we still love each other and are going to see where it takes us...thanks for the advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:21pm
Hey thats wonderful!! It's really great that you can talk to him openly about your feelings and where you two stand. Best of luck with the fam and best friend, I bet they just love you and want what is best. I'm so happy for you!! And in time, they will be too! Give us updates!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:33pm
Well I was reading your post and it sounded great! Until the part where you were like we could still do whatever we want. Why? If you love him and he loves you why allow room for cheating? Don't sell yourself short. If you're gonna do something do it right. Label it and ship it! Oh and as far as being afraid to tell your best friend...I ad a best friend who was the same way....bottomline is people do whatever makes them happy. It's ok for her to be with someone who people are agianst sort of but not you. PLease! Everyone outs themselves first and so should you. People always give stern advise but it never applies to them like the case with ur best friend. Well best of luck. I sound bitter don't I? I'm really not I just can't stand my x best friend so don't mind me : /
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:22pm

Okay. Um, I don't get it.


You BOTH love each other, but you're BOTH okay with being FWB, and him and you dating anyone else?


Also, why did you break up the first time (sorry if you posted that already), and have you two talked about it, fixed it and made sure it's in the past and never will happen again?


My personal belief. I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment by AGREEING full on that FWB is okay with you, and "seeing where it goes" while you're both free to date and have sex with other people. If you BOTH love each other, I would at least get sexual and dating exclusivity from him. That's not rushing it. That's saying, no one else is allowed in our "realm". And that's okay. It's not saying we're getting married, this is majorly serious.


You better seriously think about what you want, what you're willing to accept, what you can deal with (in terms of him seeing other ppl or even sleeping with other ppl), before you accept the FWB deal with a POSSIBILITY of it turning into more.....or not.


Are you going to be okay with the SAME situation a month from now? 3 months? 6 months? a year? At what piont are YOU going to want a serious commitment? and how will you feel if he's HAPPY with the FWB situation and dating other ppl?


Sorry to burst your bubble, but I think you accepted anything, because he said he loves you, versus seriously thinking this thru (btdt, it bites you in the ass)






my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:46pm
That's what I'm saying. Everything is great and yet you can both see others??? How does that make any sense? I've done that before and only because I wanted to be with the person so bad that I took what I could get however I could get it. In the long run you will see that you're entitled to fulfill your wants as well. Why would you be okay with sharing him. I'd be flipping out all the time!!! Then again I can be a lil possessive : /

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