Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2000
Need some advice
22
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:47am

ok, I have been away from my sons father for 4 1/2 yrs. I have had my son in therapy over his BS. Now, I am trying to be mature and do this parenting right by allowing my son to spend a month with his dad. Well, the problems we had before seem to be resurfacing. My son takes it hard when we argue but we argue whenever we talk. SO right now we are not talking but now he is saying comments to my son I think should be addressed. Like yesterday he is like "tell your mom I want a kiss" or another time tell her "I am ready to move back home" or "tell her I still love her".


For a long while my son thought it was my fault because I was the one to leave and his dad would say I he wanted us back together. Me not trying to give him all the details of the infiedlity, the arguing, the maddness. I just resolved it to my son we argue. Well his dad goes and says we will not argue. Yea next time I saw him it was the same thing. I am screwing half the world or I like women. Whatever to feed his ego that he is better off without me.


Well, with all this going on I am not trying to send my son back to therapy plus this is coming out my pocket. His dad does not pay child support (my choice so he can get on his feet and give him a chance to be a man and take care of him) so this is all funded by me. Should I put a halt on it again say forget the trip in July and cut the phone contact or should I try and talk to his dad first?


Verse of the Day


“ Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ”- Romans 12:12

Marie

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 1:02pm

I was wondering, how old is this son? Also, since I have no kids, don't listen to me. I was going to say though, if he's old enough to understand, maybe it's time to tell him the truth. So he can understand where you're coming from and his father.


Or. Let him learn what his dad is all about by being around him. I know my co-worker has 3 kids with a woman (he has full custody). They alwyas thought he was the bad guy, but as they got older (high school age), they realized how their mom TRULY was, so they just let dad off the hook...finally. Like you, he felt it was better to make sure they THINK they're mom is a nice person, until they can find out the truth for themselves.


BTW, the mom is irresponsible, selfish, has no respect for anyone but herself, blah blah blah. and nope, didn't even fight for the kids, instead, just gave them away (they don't know that though).


good luck.






my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 1:08pm
When I split with my deceased husband for the final time (the father of all 4 of my kids), he also used the kids as a "tool" to try to manipulate me into returning. Two of my kids were old enough to understand what was going on and the other two were not. My youngest was a baby so that was not an issue...the other was at the time my 12 yo son. So he went after him. I tried talking to his dad, telling him that I was going to discontinue contact if he couldn't treat the visits what they were...a chance to VISIT and spend time with his child, not to use the time to try to gain favor and to use the child to win me back. I stated emphatically that if the behavior continued, I would consider it a type of abuse and would discontinue the visits. He chose to ignore, or disbelieve my threat. I followed through and stopped the visits. I explained to my son that his father was abusing the privilidge of seeing him by repeatedly asking him to relay information, that those were adult issues and not to be talked about to children. That a visit should be just that...a visit and then continued on to give examples of what a visit should be between parent and child. I told my son of my threat to discontinue visitation if the behavior continued and the ignoring of my request to stop. We as parents try to protect our children from the ugliness of life and in particular when it comes to adult issues but sometimes we're doing more harm than good in our effort to do so. I think we better serve our children to try to explain the circumstances on an age-appropriate level where they can understand and to assist them in understanding the results of certain actions. They need useful tools, ways to deal with these situations and the resulting emotions involved. Your son is not too young to understand consequences for actions, nor is he too young to be helped to realize that his father is behaving inappropriately. Talk to your son first, give him a heads' up so he won't be blindsided by any decision you might make regarding his father...then tell the man that the behavior is abusive towards the child and it is going to mess him up emotionally and that is not an option for you. If he continues, by all means...stop the visitation. YOU are the one trying to preserve the father/son relationship and that's admirable but the boys' dad has to do his part..and is failing miserably, I might add. Good luck, I wish you the best. This is a tough thing for moms to deal with, I know...Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 1:40pm
My son is 7 and I have given him little by little. What he can handle and age. My biggest concern is how much damage would spending a month with his dad will do. I am debating on canceling the trip.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 1:44pm
Well, my son knows not to tell his dad what I do, we have been down that road and so deos his dad. I guess I figured them not seeing each other for a year I should be doing something. I will hold it out and see how the next phone conversation goes and then make my decision.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 1:52pm

Okay, yeah, at that age. It may be a bit much for him to know the whole story, and be with his dad for a month....since I'm assuming he hasn't spent that much time since YOU were with your x, 4.5 years ago?


I'd rethink it too. Hugs and good luck.






my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:03pm
He has spent time with him. hes dad has only been in Texas for 6 mos I guess. Well the last time my son was with him was June of last year and we argued and I had to go a month with getting my son back together. He begins to wet the bed when he is stressed. So I had to handle that but he is doing fine now. When he first began calling I was surprised and thought my son would start up again but hasn't. But, I may sulk it up and take my vacation early instead of for Thanksgiving to take him down for a few days.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:25pm
Please don't be offended..but you are vacillating on this visit thing. Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe now take an early vacation and take him down. I would urge you to have the boys' dad prove himself before he infects him with any more of his own brand of "man-ness". He could turn out to be a heavy influence on your son and I know from reading your posts that your son is the most important thing in your life and you take your job as his mother very seriously. You have the opportunity to raise a well-rounded, mentally healthy individual without outside interference and someone else undoing all of your hard work. Your son is doing well right now. While we all agree that a father's role in a son's life is important, maybe the most important, that hinges on the father's ability to do HIS job right. The damage that a bad father does takes YEARS to undo, if ever. I know of which I speak, believe me. There are worse things in life than not seeing your dad. It would be having the bad father influence you so heavily that you end up mirroring his behavior or spending years and gosh only knows how much money in therapy to "fix" what he turned upside down. Please think this through carefully, and objectively, not emotionally. Good luck. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:32pm
No offense, I came here so I can get opinions from those who are not as emtionally tied to this mess as I am. Best way for me to judge. I guess I am worried about him being upset for not seeing him. His dad has been this way improved a lot but I guess I know if I go things will be fine. Because he will just try to act like the happy couple we are not until the day we begin to leave is when the problem will start. I want to say ok no visit but still think I am being hard. I will keep everything said here on my mind.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:22pm
People need to see things on their own. Though your son is still young let him learn for himsself. Otherwise, he will blame you for keeping him away. You're not the bad guy and your son will see that. LEt him go and little by little as he gets older he will see his fathers true colors. The truth always prevails!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:29pm
If you are being hard it is only with your child's best interests at heart. I can see that you want very badly for him to have a male role model and I understand wanting that for your son. You might like to know that my son is old enough and wise beyond his years so we have discussed my decision to end the communication between father and son. I have asked him if he resented the decision I made. His answer was an emphatic NO. He remembers what he was put through and now that he is 15 going on 30 he understands the dynamics much better. He knows he was being used, he knows what his father's ulterior motives were. He's relieved to have been spared continuing the farce. I see that you are a believing woman...take this to your God, just have open ears and heart for the answer. Even if it contradicts what you want. Becky

Pages