BF's ex is pregnant...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
BF's ex is pregnant...
26
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 12:58pm

I will try to make this brief. I am 33 and have had my share of relationships. I have been single now for several months and just recently was reuninted with an ex. We broke up on good terms...I moved away, we were young and it was just bad timing. Now, years later (8 to be exact) we arrange to meet. We live in different states very far away. He also was in a relationship for a very long time and it ended several months ago as well. He knew he didn't want to marry this girl and they parted so they could both find happiness. So, I go out there, we fall in love all over again under much better circumstances. It was fantastic and I thought fate was finally on my side.

I was planning a move out there with a friend of mine in September regardless so there was definite potential for us and we even talked about marriage and being together and having found one another again after we both grew up and experienced life.

So.....the day after I get home I get a phone call from him that his ex called and she is 4 months pregnant. Ouch, the wind taken out of both of our sails to say the least. She is keeping it and said she just found out (4 months....just found out...???) She always wanted kids with him and he would make such a wonderful dad. He is one of the most loving, sensitive caring men I know. Well, she knows this too and I think she is hoping to get him back. He does not want to marry her, that was clear when they broke up initially.

My questions:

How do we make it work with this going on?

Can I start a "new' relationship again when he is going to be going to dr. appts. birthing classes, delivering their child etc...

Will I be resentful? Neither us have children or have ever been married. We have both been waiting for the one and to be able to experience all of life's magical firsts with each other. Now I feel that was taken away from me.

I know the type of person he is and he will be involved and I respect him for that but i just feel like it will take it away from us and our new life together. Selfish?

I know, I know...if I love him enough...but is it really that simple???

Thanks and sorry so long, needed to get this off my chest.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 1:19pm

Timeline wise, was he with her as her bf 4 months ago? Or was this post-breakup sex?


Secondly, I would tell him to get a paternity test, just to make sure. I know of WAY too many women who CLAIM to be preg with my friends baby, because they KNOW he'd step up to the plate (even marry them), and take care of the kid. Um, one woman did it, but timeline wise, he didn't have sex with her for




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 1:23pm
To borrow a line...what's love got to do with it?? Ok, you've had some "firsts" usurped. She got to it first. If he's positive that this is his child b/c of the time frame, then the ball is in your court as to what YOU choose to do. You know that he will be active in the pregnancy, labor and delivery. That's just the beginning. The "ex" will be a part of his life forever, since parenting doesn't stop when the child turns 18. Only the child support stops and even then they come around with their hand out for various expenses that as a parent, especially an absent one, feels responsible to fork over the cash. You need to take a long hard look at how these issues can be expected to impact your own relationship with him. Depending on the type of person she is, you could expect any number of scenarios. Calls for assistance (he will feel obligated b/c his child is involved). She might decide to take a dislike to you and start to bust his ba**s over the child spending any time in your company. There could be court hassles for visitation and/or support. These are mere thimbles full of what you could be looking at. I don't mean to paint a dark and gloomy scenario here. Unfortunatley, these scenarios and worse are all too common b/c people don't put the interests of the child first..these choose to self-serve. That's not to say that if the two of you have a truly committed and adult relationship and behave in appropriate manners, that they can't be worked out ultimately. What about if the two of you decide to have children of your own? How will you integrate the two families? Because for all intents and purposes, that's what he'll have by virtue of having a child with another woman...two families. Good luck in dealing with this. I wish you the best..Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:32pm

Hi jojolh,
What a tough situation! Ok, you stated << I know the type of person he is and he will be involved and I respect him for that but i just feel like it will take it away from us and our new life together. Selfish? >>

Not selfish. The potential you saw for the relationship has now been compromised, and it's forcing you to make a decision as to whether or not to move forward with him. Regardless of what he does, because you know what type of person he is and that he will be involved, you very much need to do what's BEST for YOU! If you know in your heart that his involvement with her will be too much to handle, what choice do you have but to let him go and do what he needs to do given this new situation.

Another thing to add ... while you may know what type of person HE is ... what you don't know a lot about is what type of person SHE is. A friend of mine had something similiar happen to him several years ago ... he'd broken up with this girl he'd been with for awhile ... she wanted to get back together and "enticed him" with a trip to Hawaii ... like, he'd turn down a FREE trip to Hawaii? ha! Long story short, she got pregnant ... but, didn't tell him for 4 MONTHS! He said that she said "I wanted to share it at Christmas!"

BS! You don't "just find out" 4 months into a pregnancy. She most likely planned on getting pregnant (in my friend's case, he knows this now) and did so as a means of getting him back into her life. Because at 4 months, it's pretty much a given that the pregnancy is beyond the point of making a CHOICE about it, if you know what I mean? That's why this girl waited for 4 months, as well ... because there would be no opportunity to talk to her about whether or not to continue with the pregnancy. All things considered ... it's pretty dispicable to "trap a guy" into obligation this way. (of course, he could have been more careful, but hindsight's 20/20).

My point is ... she knows what she's doing ... psychologically ... the type of woman who will get pregnant to "keep a guy" and withhold this type of information until the 2nd trimester ... is the type of woman who most likely will cause interference in your relationship with him. Because she's going to hold this obligation over his head, no matter how inclined or willing he is to be involved.

At this point, if it were me, I'd let him go. It will suck, but you'll be better off in the long run. And, if you do decide to give it a go with him, most certainly DON'T move there in Sept. Wait until after the baby is born ... and even then, give it some time, so you can have some knowledge of what type of role this other woman is playing in HIS life. If she's psychologically inclined to get pregnant on purpose (which you and he don't know for sure) ... and inclined to not tell him for several months (which you DO know)... she's probably inclined to wreck some level of havoc on his life as a result of this baby. Imagine the toll that could take on your relationship.

Just my .02.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:05pm
OMG such drama! Well my opinion is that this women knew what she was doing. She wanted him in her life however which way she could. You don't deserve to be in robbed in this sense. You deserve to be with someone who will have that first time you so much want. Why do you have to sell yourself short. I'm not saying he will be with this other woman but he will play a role and why subject yourslef to great amount of confusion and heartache. Why be the third wheel. You should be the second...in a perfect world atleast. Go out there and see whats out there. If once you dated a while you see that this guys was right then go back but for now run towards the door!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:16pm
Thank you all for your posts, you all make sense and I know it. It's just a hard pill to swallow right now. I went to see my therapist today and and he said to do nothing. Let thinkgs cool down, don't make any decisions and just take care of me. Lot eaiser said then done. How do I stop thinking about it? Ugh...I know it will get easier and I will gain some clarity as time goes by. I am just so angry and feeled robbed of happiness that I have been waiting so long for. The thing is too is that she does not seem the "evil" type. Maybe just naive and was hoping that this may change things. I do know that she does NOT want us togethers, due to our past and she thinks there was always something there. I pray that I wake up and it's just a silly nightmare...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:44pm

I agree with your T. Because you never know. And for all you know, she's lying, especially if she does NOT want you together, or maybe the baby isn't even his. I would definitely do a paternity test.


And for all you know, things could calm down and be easier than you thought it would be, and you two can happily be together, even IF the child is his.


Calm down your brain, stop thiniking about what CAN happen, and instead, just live it for awhile. Set a time for yourself, say, a month, or 3 months and just go with it.






my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:25am
That is exactly what my therapist said too, give it at least a month to let it sink in and not take any action. My questions which I can't seem to figure out is how to do that??? How to not think about it, want questions answered, worry about how it will all pan out etc...It is so much easier said then done and I just can't seem to get to that place of not thinking. Any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:22am

I do what my therpist calls "cognitive therapy". basically, I talk myself out of doing things I'd want to do.


So, for instance, I tended to overanalyze my r'ship with my dbf, causing myself heartache and grief everyday, all day long, to the point where everyone in my life was saying, just leave him!!!


Well, my therapist said, "stop steering the ship" and instead, go where the wind blows you (obviously a boat analogy). And it clicked in me. I AM trying to steer the ship. Everytime I talk to dbf about "us" and I try to make things "better" I am in fact, making sure everyrhing is okay. That's like me giving my kid (which I don't have one), a big ole jacket, just in case it gets cold, even though it's summer. KWIM (know what i mean)?


So. I just tell myself, when I start wondering, to just stop. As with the past 5 years, no matter how much I planned out my life, it did NOT turn out the way I thought it would. Heck, make that the past 30 years. Therefore, no amount of talking, nor planning, nor getting answers, will make it a guarantee, and that anything can take a turn for the better or for the worse.


I chose to stop. I stopped analyzing. Yes, my brain would still be going, but instead of talking to my friends, or emailing bf, or even journaling it, I chose to ignore it, and make it go away. I would distract myself, tell myself it wasn't worth it, tell myself to just shut the hell up! I tell myself that if I love my bf, I will let go and put faith in us that it'll work out. Or at least, the path of quietness (me not analyzing) will show me which way to go. Meaning, if our r'ship falls apart w/o me controlling it, obviously, I'd have to leave. If nothing happens and we're fine, and I'm okay with that, then great. Or, if he picks up the slack of me trying so hard to control ALL sides, then even better. But first, I need to walk that path. And so far, I have been, it's been crazy, and sometimes hard, but overall, it's been wonderful.


All I can say is, sometimes it's really hard to quiet your brain down, and yet, it's for the best. You want to know what is going to happen, but in reality, you have no way of telling what is going to happen. EVEN IF your bf says one thing, in 6 months, things could change. There are so many what if's, it's not even funny. Therefore, my suggestion, talk yourself down from the edge, when you're thinking too much. If that doesn't work, ask your therapist waht you can do.


Hugs






my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:43pm

I am trying to talk my self down and quiet my brain. Today seems a much better day so I will take it for what it's worth. I can't or won't worry what tomorrow will bring. I am talking with BF tonight. I have alot of questions and right now and we both need to keep the communication open and let each other know how we are feeling. I have no idea how this will all pan out. Today I am thinking, I can do this. I keep putting myseld in different scenarios and they don't seem as scary today. Yesterday, I was running for the hills! Tomorrow....who knows.

The whole situation still doesn't sit right. it's like there are missing pieces to the puzzle. And yes, they got back together a couple of different times after there breakup so she got pregnant post break up. That would make here going into her 5 month. (They were last together the beginning of january). They are going to the doctor sometime next week (another red flag, doctor for the first time, this far along?????) I agree thay she must have known or was just in denial. She didn't want him back up until this point and it's weird that she told him the day after I left town. Together for over 4 years and nver got pregnant but then gets pregnant after the breakup? Hmmmm.....

In the next months trying to figure this out I need to know where I am going to fit in and how much she wants him involved. Regardless he will love this child incredibly but I know he wishes it was under different circumstances. He always dreamt og having kids with the right person and bringing a child into a loving family. That choice has now been taken away but life goes on...never said it was a perfect world.

Ok..just needed to vent a bit and it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 3:35pm
This situation is difficult but loving him as you do will probably lead to you waiting it out. DOn't make any rash decisions just take it day by day and eventually you will see what feels right for you. Best of luck!

Pages