How can I break his heart??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
How can I break his heart??
10
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:37am

Lately I've realized that I'm with my bf of about 7 months (we've been friends for a lot longer) not really because I'm head over heels in love with him, but more because he gives me amazing emotional support and love and because I have many engaged/married friends and I'm scared to end up alone. I know that I obviously have to end things and find someone I really and truly WANT to be with (and let him do the same). But how do I tell him this? How do I tell someone who has always treated me like a queen and who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that I don't feel the same? I can't even imagine "the talk" and hurting him. And I feel so crappy about myself--I'm so fortunate to have this great bf who is in love with me and so good to me, yet that doesn't seem to be enough to keep me satisfied??

(Ugh and what if I end things with him, only to find that most guys out there are heartless, a--holes? But I guess that's not a good reason to stay with him).

Please help. Thanks so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 7:29am
you sound confussed, you said that I'm head over heels in love with him, but more because he gives me amazing emotional support and love- if you are in love with him why would you want to end it. there are good men out there and there are bad men, but the great men that love you and you love in return, especially someone who was your friend first are very rare. maybe you should figure out if you are really in love with him, or in love with the idea of him. i would let him know how you are feeling, dont break it off just take a breather and see how you feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:25am

I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!! I felt the EXACT same way when I decided to end my engagement to my high shcool sweetheart after we had been together for 7 YEARS.

Unfortunately, there is no good way to end it. You're both going to feel heartbroken and scared and do a lot of crying. And you'll probably feel incredibly guilty and like you have no right to be upset and crying when you're the one who ended it.

So here's my advice, just tell him the truth, "He's a great guy and you care for him very deeply, even love him, but he just isn't the right man for you to spend the rest of your life with and he's never going to be." When he tells you he can change tell him you don't want him to, you love him just the way he is, but you love him as your dear friend not as the love of your life and there is nothing he could change that would change that.

And when you're feeling guilty and like you don't have a right to be upset try to cut yourself some slack. You have every rigt to be sad and scared after all you've given up what might have been becasue you knew it was the right thing to do but that doesn't mean it isn't scary to be on your own again and that doesn't mean you aren't broken hearted that it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.

But you're right it would be wrong, for both of you, to try to make yourself feel something you simply don't. I probably understand better then most that you do really love him, you just know he isn't the one.

Rest assured the one is out there. You'll find him and, yeah, you'll date some a**holes, there are plenty, but you'll also meet some great guys. You just have to have the guts to keep looking until you find the right guy, which is something you've obviously got.

It took me two more serous realtionships and lots of dating to find the right one for me, but I found him last year. We're getting married in October. I've got to tell you as hard as it can be and as scary as it can be, in spite of all the bumps and bruises and heartaches along they were WAY worth it to find this guy.

You'll find a guy that makes you feel that way too.

Good luck and feel free to email me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:24pm
What's the old saying? Honesty is the best policy. Just try to do it with a minimum of damage. Don't give him false hope whatever you do. Just tell him what you basically told us here. He's a good guy, just not the good guy for you. Unfortunately, as I always told my girls you will break hearts and have your heart broken. Such is the circle of life. Just make sure that this is what you really want so that you're not running back a month later to start the cycle all over again. Think very carefully before you do anything. Good luck, Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:38pm

Hugs to you litgirl79!!

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 2:00pm
You sound like your a little confused. I would never end it with a guy that treated me so well as he sounds like he does to you. There's not that many great guys out there. There are but it's hard to find one. You have such a great relationship with him right now, why would you want to end something that's so great. If I was you I would rethink your choice. If you never wanted to be with him, then you should have said it awhile back. Just because your friends are all married and engaged doesn't mean you have to be right now, the right guy will come along. Soemtimes it takes longer than your friends to find him. But to me, it sounds like you have a great guy right in front of you! There's not many guys out there like that! Good Luck! and give it a chance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 2:28pm

Not to take over the thread or anything, but I am of such a different opinion.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 1:07pm
I'd like to get in on this too, I am currently seeing a guy that I've been so-so about. I dated him last year for 2 months but wasn't over my ex. He fell very hard for me and I knew how he felt. I hated hurting him then but I didn't know what else to do.I was dying inside over my lost love. So, I broke up with him thinking it was because my ex was calling me all the time still and I couldn't get him off my mind. Well, that was Aug/Sept last year. So Feb I run into him again and we go to lunch. He was very nice and cute then and still is. We have been dating ever since and he is the same guy, I am more over my ex, but I'm still not feeling a strong spark. I have waves where I think I'm falling, and I'm so happy to be with him. He does the sweetest things, and really tries to be perfect. And then I'm not so sure that I'm not with him because he's safe, sweet, good job, loves me and my son, and overall a great catch. Granted he is the jealous kind and we are working on that, and he isn't as social and outgoing as I am, but we are getting through that as well. We went on a weekend trip and had a super time, I almost told him I loved him, but I wanted to wait and be sure of it. So I think I'm comfortable with him, never super excited or "crazy about him" (like my ex). And I'm not sure if I'm settling, or if I give it more time, that I'll develop deeper feelings. Still once in awhile I get tender over my ex, because it was what I really wanted and couldn't have. I'm not afraid of being alone, before these two, I was single for over 2 years, (when exhusband left). I know I've got a good thing, but my heart doesn't skip a beat when I see him.... yet, will that come or am I prolonging the inevitable??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:27pm
No your absoultly right, u have to love the person or at least like the person to stay in the relationship, but if you do than your already showing you at least like the person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 10:13pm

Hi. I'm new to this board, but I read your post and I have to say that I've been in a similar situation. I dated this great guy off and on for a few years and I felt like you do - I wondered if I just wanted to be with him because he was so sweet to me, and I wondered why he was so sweet to me and if it was because he was just needy or weak and I never could commit to the relationship, even though it was obvious he was in love with me. I never talked to him about how I was feeling but I found myself doing things to hurt him and drive him away instead. But then, when he was not with me I missed him and I would always come back to him. Finally both of us moved on and I married an a--hole and went through a divorce and there were lots and lots of times I wished I had been wise enough to stay with someone who loved me so much and never did anything to hurt me.

Now that guy is getting married to someone else (see my post,"What might have been") and I'm having such a hard time with that.

All I can say is think very carefully before you get out of a relationship with someone who really loves you because you may regret it later in a big way, as I have.

Just my thoughts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 1:08am

But, how do you really know if someone is truly right for you? There are so many reasons for and against being with certain people, but in the end it comes down to your gut feeling. If you don't think that you're with someone for all the right reasons, does that really make it wrong? I think that I was first drawn to my bf because I was lonely, and he gave me friendship, as well as love. I think that despite everything, we were meant to be together (at least for a little bit), and if I had to go back and do it all again, I would, without a doubt.

It was right for you at that moment, but now you're evaluating how you really feel for this man. If you know in your gut that it was not meant to be, then it doesn't really matter how nice he is, or how wonderful he is. All that matters is that he is not the one for you. Be glad that you had the opportunity to share a wonderful connection with someone, and that he could give you what you needed at the time.

I admire the fact that you KNOW that it's time to move on. I'm never sure of myself, and that's why I am unable to make a decision about my bf and I.

In my opinion, if someone loves you, that does not mean that you have to love them. The feeling is not always mutual. Perhaps a plutonic love can be returned to someone who treats you well; as a friend should...but a lover, soulmate, lifepartner, etc. needs to be more than just sweet. They need to give you that special feeling. Nothing more, nothing less.

Yvy.