I spoke too soon

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
I spoke too soon
28
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:41am
Hi All:
So this is the deal. LIke I mentioned yesterday I got back with my ex and verything is great blah, blah, blah. Il ove this guy more than anything in this world. When we were first together he was so wonderful to me like a knight in shining armor. Once we broke up he was a jerk. Slamming doors, cursing at me, hanging up on me, telling me awful things, caring less if I cried a river in front of him, ignoring me at clubs, etc. I accepted this because I was like well we're broken up and he never treated like htis when we were together. I felt deep in my heart that I deserved it because well I was so mean to him when we were together, I would use him for his money, insult his friends, tell him he was a loser drunk even though he never drank after rehab, take him to clubs that I knew my ex would be at b/c I was so infatuated with my ex., get text messages from other guys, well you name it and I did it...I was heartless so I accepted his anger once we broke up. When we were apart I suffered and worked on my ways. I really wanted to get down to the core as to why I would treat someone I loved that way. I received a lot of clarity. I worked on so many aspects of my life and a so much of a better person in my eyes and in those of the loved ones around me. Anyhow, my b/f works crazy hours! I mean I work 10-6 M-F he works 2-11 PM M-F and then Sat like 7AM -7PM then plays football all day sunday on a league. He comes to see me after work during the week for maybe like a half hr. On the weekend we spend all our time together once he is out of work or done with football. Well yesterday he was supposed to come over and he was like how his frined blew his back out and he needed to go help him sheet rock the apt. I said why is he sheet rocking if he cant even walk? COmmon sense is wait until you are better to fix an apt not when you blow ur back out. My B/F was like he will come by later to see me . I was like i'm going ot bed he was like your a child. I felt bad so I called him like around 11:30 and he didn't answer so I called again and still no answer. I texted him and I received a return receipt but he didnt text me back. I was furious!!!!!! So I drove by his house b/c I was like he will probably say that he just went home and fell asleep b/c all guys run that line! SO I drive by and he had just pulled up. So I say what's up, why didn't you answer before? He said I left my phone in the car b/c I didnt want to deal with your babiness. I was like okay that's real mature. He was like you think I'm always doing wrong yet I never cheated on you. This is true but if you give a guy too much space they will cheat...proven fact! So I said you know what goodnight. THen when i got home I called him and said I know yougot my text b/c I got a return receipt so why are you lying? HE was like I'm not lying and think what you want. I didn't come back to this relationship to deal with your insecurity. I was like what?I said I thought he was being one sided and not puttting himself in my shoes! We said goodnight and that was it. I'm hurt and full of doubt because I think this sounds suspicious. WHat do you all think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:01am
Your boyfriend's right. You're being really immature and I wouldn't want to have to deal with your crap either. Just re-read your post and tell me you don't sound like a total nightmare.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:13am

This is harsh, but what have you learned while away from your bf? Because, it seems, that whatever you learned, you're not ACTING on those new found better ways.


I have to agree with Woe, you ARE becoming a nightmare, and he does NOT need to deal with YOUR insecurities. If I was him, I probably would've done the same thing, to not have to deal with you and your issues. And yes, they ARE YOUR issues.


You really need to rethink if you can handle being with someone and maybe, start TRULY working on yourself. You just proved to him that nothing has chnaged in regards to your behavior, and that you ARE still the same insecure, assuming, jumping to conclusions gf he had before you two ended things.


If you are to make this work, you are going to have to CONTROL your impulses to "jump him", accuse him, get in his face, etc, etc, etc. No one, and I repeat NO ONE wants a woman who acts like that. You




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:46am
OKay obviusly you guys are missing something. Did you guys read the part about him purposely leaving his phone in his car? When he told me he was going to his friends house I said okay I'll see you later. Then he said he was going to help his friend who hurt his back. I'm sorry but the last time I checked and I blew my back out I wasn't like wow let me go redecorate my house. That's retarded! Normal people would wait until they could actually move! Anyhow, he went and I called him to see what time he was coming by and he didnt answer his phone. I didnt leave him nasty messages I was like hi honey call me. He was like I thought you would be mad and I wasn't mad! He assumed! HE acted like a child by leaving his phone in his car. When I don't answer my phone all hell breaks loose and when he doesnt you guys say I have to take it easy? I not once raised my voice at him or cursed or anyhting like that. I just asked why he didnt come by like he said he would when I had dinner on the table for him and he knew that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:54am
I agree with the others.. You were totally over reacting. First your upset because he is helping a friend. Then since he doesn't answer his phone you get jealous and drive by his place and then accuse him of lying. Wow I am surprised he even talked to you when you got home. Most guys would have been done because no one like to be called a cheater and then more so when there is nothing to go on.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:59am

You already had a problem with him helping a friend, who knows why it had to be done then but he was helping him. I would have left my phone in the car also. No time to keep it knowing you will call and hold us up on getting things done. Doesn't seem suspcious to me. Seems he helped a friend you had a problem with it so he probably figured wait till I get home to deal with this. You have no reason to question like he said he has never cheated, why so insecure now? You've waited all this time for him to come back, he came back willingly why would he cheat.


Also in the first post what struck me was the comment about giving a guy to much space he will cheat. And it is proof. I do not think so, guys are free for all. Some cheat some do not. I've known guys who will wait year on the one the love. Many people are in sexless marriages but because the wife doesn't give them sex but once a month/year they do not cheat just deal with it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:59am

You are in such denial it's ridiculous. So what if he left his phone in his car? It's his phone - if he wants to leave it that's his right. And he was clearly right to do it because look how you're acting. I'd be avoiding your drama, too. And so what if his friend wants to drywall his apartment after he threw his back out? I'm assuming that's why your bf was going over to help him - so his friend didn't have to do it. What about that doesn't make sense? And why is it any of your business, much less your right, to get mad about something his friend wants to do, retarded or not?

You think we've missed parts of your post, but the reality is we've read every word and we think you're a nightmare. If I was your bf I'd be outta there so fast you wouldn't know what happened. I come to these boards and am constantly amazed at some people's behavior and the resulting look where you can't believe you're being dumped. Amazing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:16pm
You are dead wrong about guys cheating if you give them too much space. Just the opposite is true. If you're clingy and suspicious, always running around in the middle of the night to check up on them, texting and calling constantly, and when you reach them giving them the third degree...they're going to run screaming from the hills. Wouldn't you? If he's never cheated on you before why don't you trust him? Trust is fundamental to all relationships. What do you build on? Love? As much as I love my SO, the word is highly overrated and overused. You build a relationship based on that person's character..their morals..their values..who they are as a person. Love develops when you meet the person who meets or exceeds the standards that you judge all people by. It's not about how they make you feel about yourself..that should come from within. While it's nice to be with someone who makes you feel terrific, that should be in addition to, not in spite of how you feel about yourself. Ease up already. You're going to achieve exactly the opposite of what you want by your actions. If he wants to go help sheetrock somebody's apt. with them, so be it. When they're through, trip over there and tell them what a great job they did, in spite of one person having back problems. Are you afraid that he's going to treat you the way you did him the first time around together? Some might say to give them enough rope to hang themselves. There is some truth to this statement. I have news for you, if it's in his character to cheat, he's going to do it regardless of how much policing you do of his behavior. I don't want to be with a man that I have doubts about. I encourage my SO go to out without me if I don't feel like going. He chooses not to b/c he doesn't have a good time if I'm not there. He does the same with me and I choose not to b/c of the same reason. It's just not the same. We end up sitting there, missing the other and making everybody else miserable with us. At this point in our relationship, we're kinda disgusting to be around. We love to be around other people but we just can't enjoy the evening if the other isn't there to share it. Will it change? I don't know. If he does ever go out without me I know that he wouldn't do anything to disrespect me or our relationship. He'd never do anything to hurt me that way. If I believed otherwise, I'm in the wrong relationship. Good luck, I hope you can work these issues out. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:24pm
You're right I must be crazy! I'm a horrible insecure freak, you're right! So go pat yourself on your back! Anyhow, there's a way to say things and you obviously need to work on that. If I wanted to have someone jump down my throat I'll be sure to post to you directly. I guess your life is perfect but you like to come to this message board to be "amazed." (like you said) I don't think I over reacted in the least bit and I must be doing something right b/c he's with me! I not once said he was out cheating. I just feel that he is acting like a child by leaving his phone in the car. Why not communicate, I mean communication is key. When I leave my phone behind all hell breaks loose but I guess it's okay when the shoe is on the other foot. BTW i'm not trying to be rude to anyone on this MB. I really appreciate everyones replies but I always try to be warm to people who post and I try to relate and I just can't stand when people have to be so aggressive and misdirect their anger! Try to make people understand not feel bad about themselves!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:29pm
Thanks Becky! I guess it's just that I fear so many things. It's like I always envisined him to be this perfect guy and then when we were broken up he banged some ex addict girl. Ugh. I was so grossed out. Yes I hooked up with others but I never stopped hurtung for him. I just feel like he has the capability of being a dawg and I'm scared he will do that. However, I didn't think he was cheating on me and I was really calm about the whole thing so I think he should have been a little more compassionate that was it. Tx though for your wors of wisdom ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 1:31pm
Wow you're so right! When you see things from another perspective it's like a moment of clarity. You hit the nail on the head! When he calls later I will tell him just that....I feel enllightened. Tx so much for your advise. I 'll let you all know what happens : )

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