How can I stop being so insecure??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
How can I stop being so insecure??
6
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 10:45pm
Hi all, immediately after reading everyone's advice after my last fiasco ;) I dropped Mr. Run Away and moved on to a friend of a friend. Ppl had been trying to set me and the new guy up forever, but I kept saying no, bc he's 13 months younger than I am and I try not to date younger guys.
But, since I finally agreed, the new guy and I have been inseperable. He's out of town until tomorrow and even called me last night (with a carful of his friends) to say "Hi sweetheart, I'm thinking of you"... and I *know* he got pitched lotsa poo for saying that in front of his friends. This guy is a total dream come true... he opens doors for me, watches my daughter while I take naps, does dishes even!! He's always telling me I take such good care of him, how perfect I am, etc. I know he cares about me and would never cheat on me.
So.. here comes the question... I'm falling hard for this guy, and I know he's sincere, but I can't help testing him, asking him what he thinks of certain girls and that sort of thing, basically being insecure over the top. I know that I need to stop or I'm going to push him away, especially since he's so sincere himself.
What can I do to stop being insecure?? Any ideas?? I *really* don't wanna mess this up, but I know I will if I can't curb my insecurity....
TIA
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:13am

Well for me, since I am 300lbs and not idea for most men. I learned that men love big women and since I carry it well big top and hips it is not as bad as it seems. I began to think of me. If he loves and adores me as I am how many other men do. I always think "I am great and a good woman, what man wouldn't want me". Then when size plays more of a part on my mind I think, "well he is still here and doing everything he can,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 10:42am

It's a choice!

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:46pm
You need to brainwash yourself into calming down. Getting all *up* over every little thing is just going to drive you both crazy. He's a good guy. Take it at that. If he has any deep, dark hidden secrets you can bet they will expose themselves before long. Just chill. Easier said than done, I'm sure. I don't know if it's necessarily insecurity on your part or just a fear of the unknown. Relax, you're going to be ok. Good luck with your new relationship. Becky
p.s. Thirteen months is a younger man? Hon, I'm with a man a little over ten YEARS younger than myself. The best relationship I've ever had, I might add. I used to have that "younger man" rule myself once. Glad I abandoned it....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 1:06pm

"You need to brainwash yourself into calming down"


That is the best thing I have heard yet. And I totally agree. I have "brainwashed" myself to calm not, not assume, not overreact., Granted, I have my moments, but overall, I'm doing 100x better.


You CAN do this. You just have to want to real bad. =)

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 2:09pm

First, it's not realistic to expect to be 100% secure and confident. There isn't a person alive who doesn't have a bad day from time to time, when they let insecurity get the better of them.

I've found the easiest way for me to not act like the "pshyco girlfriend" when I'm having an off day is to try to be rational when I find myself becoming irrational.

When I thought having those thoughts like, "Well, why didn't he answer his cell phone. He always answers his cell phone when it's me." I try to remind myself that, "No, he doens't answer his cell phone everytime you call. Sometimes he's tied up at work or any number of other things. You're being paranoid. Is it almost that time of month again?"

Usually, I have the hardest time around my period.

At any rate I basically talk to myself or call a good friend one that I can count on to help me be sane about things and think it through, NOT someone who will encourage me to be irrational (I have both varieties).

The biggest thing is to learn (or as another poster called it brainwash) to think before you allow yourself to react to those paranoid thoughts.

It wont make the insecurity go away, but insecurity - like having trouble trusting, self-doubt, anger, jealousy - is one of those things that feeds on itself. The more you ACT on those insecurities the more pronounced and harder to battle they will become. The less you act on it the more quickly the feeling will subside.

In short, don't act on your feelings. MAKE yourself stop asking him about other pretty girls or things like "What would you do if we broke up?" It's only going to make it worse, even if he answers "correctly".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 2:28pm
Well I think every woman is insecure because guys are pigs...lol just kidding. I mean it's hard to not be insecure when there are so many beautiful skinny women everywhere but I look at it like this...there will always be someone prettier and someone uglier. Maybe thats not nice to say but true. This is what has helped me. I'm a size 3/4 5'5" and weigh 127. I complain everyday to my boyfriend how I a huge! (mind you i do nothing about it) oops anyway, then i"m like I'm all boobs and not butt. I get so furious! I even went to my surgeon to get fat injections inmy butt and he said your perfect why do u come to me? I was so happy. I mean a plactic surgeon said I was! THat's when I was like what the hell is wrong with me??? I had to hear it from the Dr and not my family to believe it! THen i tried this approach....I think Paris Hilton is HOT! I mean she's so skinny and tall and great hair! SHe has like NO BOOBS and NO BUTT. I never even noticed that. I said if that girl can work it so can I and so can you : )