What's Your Opinion Of....
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| Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:53am |
Background:
I met Jake online two months ago, we went to dinner and from there we've spent the majority of our free time together. So far, he's got a lot of qualities I'm looking for in "Mr. Right" but I'm NOT rushing things - just getting some mixed signals from him that make it hard for me to understand where he's at and I'm looking for some outsiders opinions of what might be going on in his head....
Issue #1:
From about our third date Jake has been very open and talkative about his expectations from a marriage and family life (not in relation to "us", but in general). I'm willing to share my opinions on the subject (we share very similiar values in this area in the discussions we've had), but I've never brought up the topic of marriage or children. My thinking/experience with this is that guys generally aren't big talkers about marriage and/or family until they start thinking about settling down and starting a family. I also have the suspicion that he may be in some sense - wife hunting - because he's not a big talker about relationships, emotions, etc. but when it comes to this he's more than willing to talk about it. Am I completely misreading his communication or not?
Issue #2
He hasn't been married, but was engaged to a woman who left him a month or so after he started college because he wasn't "paying enough attention to her". As well, in his profession he's seen several occasions where men have been blindsided by nasty divorces in which the wives have tried to financially destroy they husbands involved, often successfully. I get the impression that he's very leary of the legal ramifications of marriage in terms of finance. He's 33, has been in his profession for about 8 years, lived simply and succeeded in starting a healthy "nest egg" for himself. And while he's commented that he's not in a big hurry to get married and that he doesn't feel any need to get married he's got definite ideas that he shares openly about marriage and family. I'm getting the message that he's just terrified of being "taken" by a gold-digger or ditched again. Again, am I misreading this?
Issue #3
We've been dating for two months and fairly early on in this time we had sex twice. Since then, although we spend most weeknights together until bedtime when we go to our respective homes and we spend weekends together - including nights - there has been no other sexual activity. He kisses me when we say goodnight, he'll hold my hand at times, we'll lay on the couch together etc. but as I said - there's been no sexual activity outside of those two instances. I broached the subject with him and his answer was that it was "partly because he's out of shape" - I have a couple of ideas 1) He really didn't like the sexual encounters we did have and just wants someone to hang out with (in which case he's kind of a jerk) 2) There's some significant performance issue/lack of libido that he's far too embarrassed to talk about 3) He decided that he wants to slow things down and make this something more than casual dating and sex. This one I'm really lost on - I've never known a man who could spend so much time (and sleep naked on a weekly basis) with a woman and not be more interested in sex.
Any ideas or advice are appreciated and welcome.
Thanks,
Gina

He doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a sister. Seriously, he sounds kind of emotionally stunted. OK, he got jilted by a previous girlfriend, YEARS ago. Get over it already. Who hasn't had their heart broken at some time in life? You don't live in fear of a repeat performance forever.
If he's giving you ideas that he thinks women are gold-diggers then he has some serious trust issues that he will carry into any relationship. He's territorial and protective of his own space. What he's saying is "I live in fear of someone taking what I've worked hard to get for myself. Therefore, I will keep women at arm's length. I will not totally trust you. I will not share." He's made this point right up front. He wants you to know from the start what he's like.
That's no so much from bad experience as it is a personality trait. He's not trusting because trusting means opening yourself up to others and maybe having to give to them or they might take something. He puts his emotions on hold because he values his material life and doesn't want to risk opening that up to anyone else.
As for the sex issue...I'd see a red flag in this. How old is he? Is he on any medications that could be causing a lack of libido (such as antidepressants)? If there isn't a physical reason for his lack of interest I would be curious as to what is holding him back. Don't think it's anything you have or haven't done. He just sounds like he's emotionally on hold for some reason. He wants companionship that he can control. He doesn't want to move too close because that would mean possibly opening up his material world to you, and that's something he isn't comfortable with.
Let me ask you. You've only been dating 2 months. Does he take you out? Do you go places together - out to dinner, movies, picnics, etc? I hope so because this really is the "dating" phase of your relationship.
The best thing you can do is come right out and talk to him about what's bothering you. Ask him if he's afraid you (or any woman) will use him and take what he has. Tell him this things bother you because you feel he's misjudging you right from the start. Ask him why he isn't interested more in sex. If intimacy doesn't pick up, then there's something not quite right. IMO, he just sounds like he's not a trusting person. He tends to look at the negative in relationships. This, in itself, could cause him problems sexually.
You may have to dig a little deeper to get to the root cause and then decide if he's worth the effort.
Hi, Gina...welcome to the board.
My thoughts are that there doesn't seem to be a lot wrong here.
Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?