The one that got away

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
The one that got away
10
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 3:10pm
Reading a post on another board about the one who got away really made me start thinking. What do you do if you really CAN'T get over the one that got away? I still think about my ex from 4 years ago--I was so in love with him and the relationship was great. We had all those things people talk about when its real love--we just really enjoyed being with each other, I was crazy about him, he was my best friend and I just felt like I was at home when I was with him. People used to always say they could tell how much we loved each other from the way we looked at each other. He's married now (which broke my heart, I cried for weeks) so there's no chance for us. But I've dated TONS since then and no one has even come close. So what if no one ever does? I too worry about always thinking about him even when/if I'm in another relationship. But no matter what I do he's always in my mind--I've gone on to have a very successful career (lawyer), have tons of friends, family and men who are interested in me, but he still haunts me. I'm not new age or mystical at all, but for some reason this man just felt like my soul mate, the man I was meant to spent my life with. Can there really be just one soulmate out there you never get over? Will anyone else always be second place? I want to get over this man, but no matter what I do or what I tell myself, the desire to be with him is still there. I'm religious, so Ive tried praying for guidance and that hasn't helped either. Anyone have any ideas how I can finally break his hold on me? I'm starting to think I'm crazy for not being able to get this man out of my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:13pm
sure some people can say you're crazy but some like me can say it happens. I believ in true love and it only coming around once, blah, blah, blah. I'm very religious as well and God helped me through the hardest seperation breakup of my life. I prayed for strength and harmony and serenity within and slowly but surely he granted me my wishes. There was this one saying that a priest once said....God is good but God is slow. That is so true. I jsut think you have to be patient and God will shine on you with peace in your mind and heart but you have to truly believe. I know sometimes I would damn prayers and cry b/c I was like why won't he listen to me. It's only know that I see he listened all along and I wish for you to find that as well. I also wanted to say this. I read this book by Sylvia Brown on Past Life Experiences and it said that sometimes we are with certain people in the past and in this life they remain in what's called our cell memory triggering us to constantly hold on to certain people. However, you may have been with your ex in your past life and been happy but have promised each other that when you both die you will not allow each other to last your next lifetime together. YOu could have made a pact to say that you will try your hardest to keep away and fight your love in this next life. I know this sounds crazy but it's what I read and I think it could happen based on the experiences shared in that book. I feel I should erase what I just wrote b/c it sounds weird but hey I read it! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:20pm

I'll be honest. It took me about 10 years to get over my first true love. I do believe in soulmates, however, I don't believe there is "just one" for everyone. I think there's many different soulmates, and I believe they all come into your life for one reason or another.


I honestly can't say how you can get over someone, but this is what has helped me.


By being honest with myself, I looked at my r'ship with those I couldn't get over. I realized I was making the r'ship better than it actually was. I also was able to talk to my past love. And the more that came out, from his side, the more I realized, it was only a one way street. I also realized, that by comparing and holding on, it just hurt me more in the end.


There are two men in my life, out of MANY, that I have truly loved. (three if you count dbf) And I will never forget those two men. They will always have a place in my heart, and they will always make me think twice. However, with the first, I had a second chance, and it didn't work. With the second, I would never want another chance, cuz I see now how bad we are for each other. And lastly, I realize that they both are in my heart, but that I have a life to live. If it's meant to be, it WILL be, sometime. Even if it's when 70 years old. But for now, it's not meant to be, and I have to find another man, who's good for me, but in no way, "second".


Hugs and be strong.


(btw, I can't believe that there's only one true love, because if that's the truth, I might as well die, cuz I've already had mine, twice)




Edited 5/5/2005 4:23 pm ET ET by pineapple_girl

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:28pm
I don't believe in that whole "soulmate" thing anymore. Why, because I have been deeply in love twice in my life. I know what post you are referring to. I wish I could tell you to just forget this man. I can't. I used to say that my first love "haunted" every other relationship I ever had. Sometimes I have to wonder if I was being unfair to them b/c I judged them according to my first. I didn't get involved with them because of their own merit. I compared. They just never measured up, KWIM? I never compare my SO to my first love. Never occurred to me. He was everything that I had ever thought I wanted and more. For the first time I have a r-ship that is not haunted by anyone. I look back and try to analyze why I hung on so long to a memory. Because that is what you (as I was) are doing...holding on to a memory. You have to remember there is a reason you split in the first place. Probably a very compelling one. When we go on and don't realize the kind of feelings that we felt with the other person, we tend to romanticize the r-ship. We aren't looking at it objectively anymore. We remember the good and forget what tore it apart. I know that I argued a lot with my FL, for the life of me I couldn't tell you what they were. I know EXACTLY how you feel and I feel badly for you. I know what it's like to pine for someone they can't have anymore. To be haunted by a memory of what was. But living in the past like that isn't healthy. You've had men interested in you...you'll have more. One day you just may meet the one that causes you to not give your past a second thought...or glance. That is my wish and hope for you. Good luck. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:38pm

I'm sorry you are still thinking about your ex. I think we all hold a special place in our hearts for our first loves, (or loves that hurt us deep). I think that is normal, but there comes a time that you do have to let go. I have "Let Go and Let God" on my cell phone banner to constantly remind me. You can pray for what you want but you can't sit there and wait for it to happen, as if God is slow. His will is perfect and He has something better in mind for you. But you have to believe that. Pray for acceptance, pray for strength to believe that it's all for a reason. I don't think you've truly given your burdens to Him to handle, you are still trying to fix it all on your own. And I can only write this because I do the same thing, lol.
There was a post on one of the mending broken hearts boards that I printed out last year sometime and it made me really think. It was a little poem, and this is from memory, not quoted:
"As children bring their broken toys for me to mend, I too brought my broken dreams to God. But instead of leaving him to do his work, I hung around to try and help and lend a hand. At once I snatched them back and screamed, How could you be so slow? And He said to me, What could I do, you never did let go."

Anyway, it meant alot to me, I still pray daily to let things go that I cannot change, and thank Him that He is perfect. It's not easy, sometimes I still cry and I don't always understand, but I believe in Him, and His promise that He loves us. You will get passed this but you have to actually accept what is, and move on. You could be missing out on something or someone who is right in front of you by always looking back. Warmest wishes to you.
Grace

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:58pm

For me it was a simple yet earth-shattering

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 6:39pm

I totally agree, PM! Someone you're no longer with *CAN'T* be "The One", by definition, because if you were right for each other, you'd still be together!

I think the whole concept of "The One" is dangerous. There are *plenty* of people who could be right for you, IMO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 4:31pm
i feel people come and go in our lifes for a reason whether good or bad but we learn something from those experiences, the best thing to do is try to move on with those experiences and be happy that you had them so now its time to share them with someone who will be there for you
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 6:21pm
I started a poll in the 20's somethinghangout called "Random question/poll" 3 or 4 days ago on just about the same exact questions and got pretty good feedback. You should take a look.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 11:59am

My take on "the one that got away"

Reason, Season and Lifetime

..

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

..

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

or to provide you with guidance and support,

to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

...

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

...

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.

Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

...

When people come into your life for a SEASON,

it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,

the season eventually ends.

...

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 1:56pm
This situation has happened to me. Except it's been a year. See you will always love him and care for him you because you love unconditional. Which is not a bad thing at all but soemtimes you have to let go...He has moved on, and he's very happy...now as hard as it will be and I know, you have to try and move on, and give those guys that have feelings for you a chance. You will never know if their is anyone else out their if you don't give all the other guys that like you a chance. Who knows you might find your true soulmate then. You want to be happy, like he is and you want him to know how happy you are, so you have to get out there and meet other guys and give them a chance. As much as you don't want to, if you don't you'll always be unhappy, and will never find your true love.