I love him - is he slipping away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
I love him - is he slipping away?
7
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 3:29pm

been dating this really great guy for the last few months. We met at work and when we both left our jobs, we started talking on the phone often. He wanted to go slow. But we knew the attraction was there and we talked about it. We even agreed that a casual fling with eachother was not what we wanted. If we watned to be involved with eachother, we agreed we both wanted somehting more serious, and so we continued to go slow, and get to know eachother better, talking, and sharing and trusting. Gradually we moved into dating, and 2 months ago we become physically intimate. One night he told me "as far as i'm concerned, I'm with you". Again- proably see eachother only once a week - we don't live close, and his new job is CRAZY.

Over all this time I've realized that I've come to care and love him very much.

Most recently when he was out of town 2 weeks ago he was calling and emailing me several times to tell me he was busy, but was thinking of me, missing me so much and couldn't wait to see me again. I missed him like crazy too. We spent the weekends on either end of his week away, together. I was so happy we were continuing to get closer. The minute his blackberry died, he emailed me from work to tell me so that would know I couldn't call his blackberry or get a hold of him that way for a day or two.

The past 2 weeks, he is beyond stressed out at a job he said he shoudln't have taken, and really really busy. The last 2 weeks we've barely talked. We went from talking almost every day to me not hearing from him for days. When I did speak to him I quickly asked if "we" were ok, he said yes - he'd just been needing some time to do work stuff, and rest. He committed to seeing me on Sunday and did something that showed me I was important - driving in to see me for only 2 hours, when he knew he had to turn around and drive back somewhere close to where he lived right after for a work meeting. I was there for him, listened to him, supported him. When he got home that night, he called to say he was in bed, thinking of me, and that he would call me in a few days. I knew that this week would be another crazy week.

Today is Thursday, and I've left him 2 messages this week to say I'm thinking about him, when I do think of him, it brings a smile to my face, and that I hope his day is going well. I also sent one email. I've never once demanded that he call me, but it's eating me up inside that i haven't heard back from him. I've held off calling again - he knows that I would like nothing more than to hear his voice. I liked hearing from him often - it let me know he was thinking of me. I'm afraid now that he's drifting away, that he won't want to handle the stress of his job and our relationship. In my past, men have not been able to do this, so any sign of distance usually meant that they were preparing to run. But when people hear about our interaction they say he is "smitten with me".

I want to beleive that because we've been so conscious about our choice to invest time with eachother, that the connection we have is strong enough to weather this difficult time. We've acknowledged that we have some good potential for the future, that we can excite and interest each other all the time, that our communication is so great, and he told me a LONG time ago that he knows we may come across difficult times, but thinks that we'd handle it well together.

So...1) Is it stupid to be worried about this. Should I just chill, hope that he remembers the woman he has in his life who cares for him deeply, and who he says "crazy about". How do I keep from feeling this ache of fear in my chest?

2) Does this mean that the "honeymoon period" is over, and we're moving to more stable ground. (ok with me!) He has told me he trusts me completely. Could it be that he's just taking his time to deal with what he needs to because he trusts in our connection, in how I feel about him?

3) how do you let a man know your needs (call me, even just to say good night, no matter how late) without him feeling pressured, or frustrated, so that he wants to take action and keep me in his heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:02pm
I would be like what the hell???? Where there's a will there's a way. I'm sorry to say that but that's how I feel. You should tell him in a not so nagging way becasue I always nag : / that you want to feel connected with him again. Just say, "I need to be reassured by you." Say, "I know it's not your job to do so but I'm scared that I may be losing you." Tell him that you've never seen this side of him and that you're concerned with the situation. Ask if this is indeed another side of him or if this is him giving you his back side. He has to be honest with you then. I know with my ex when he didn't want to be with me he was like how he was working so hard and that I wouldn't understand. He was like I barely have time to go to the gym! I was like oh okay I know it's hard....THat was BS he chose for it to be that way. Now we are together and he has the same exact work schedule and he calls me like atleast once an hr or texts me and sees me everyday so go figure. I'm not saying that you need to be with him 24/7 but that's just how I am in my relationship but obviously you want more as well because thats what you stated. Best of luck and I hope all works out! HUGS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:04pm
I don't know what's going on with HIM, it could be anything. What YOU should be doing is taking a breath and calming down. At this point you don't know what's going on and you're letting your imagination run away with you. Try to get yourself occupied so that you aren't obsessing over what's going on with him. If he is slipping away or having second thoughts about a r-ship with you, you'll know soon enough. He sounds like a stand up guy from what I can tell from your post so he'll let you know if he's had a change of heart. Don't stress it right now. Avoid the urge to call him, if he's under stress that will only add to it. If he's super-stressed he needs support and understanding, a little patience wouldn't hurt. Having to worry about whether you're nutting out or not is not something you want him to worry about. Just chill. I'm sure we'll be hearing from you again soon, and things will have cleared themselves up. Good luck. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:16pm
Hi, I think you should relax. You said he has a crazy job and probably has alot of pressure. He doesn't need more from you. You have left him a message, so all you can do is wait and be the cool, patient g/f that will be so excited to hear from him next time. If you start hounding him for more right now, it could push him away, imo. Now if he sort of drops of the earth for abit, like weeks of nothing , than call him on it, but right now he could just be going thru a whole lot. Be there for him if he needs you, and just relax!! Sounds like you've got a great thing started. Nagging him can't do any good now, if he's slipping away, then you'll know it. You can't stop him if that is his intentions, but don't even worry about that right now. Give him the biggest hug and kiss when you see him and go from there. Warmest wishes, let us know how it goes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:37pm

Repitition breeds expection.


You have become accustomed to hearing from him everyday, multiple times a day, to nothing.


Right now, because of his job, I would tell you, to keep up with YOU calling him every so often, NOT saying, "call me when you can", but instead saying, "I just wanted to say hi, I know your busy, love you" or whatevers. Do NOT make this about you, instead, let him know that you UNDERSTAND that he's busy and that he can't call you when he's going to bed, cuz he's probably flopping down on the bed and crashing in half a minute.


Many times, I have overreacted, demanded, asked that a man call me more, to reassure ME, however, usually they start to feel resentful becuase now they are obligated to call you, even though they are stressed beyond tomorrow and can't even think straight. THAT is when they start pulling away.


However, even with my own dbf, I noticed that when he's stressed, when I just leave him alone, allow him to contact me, or if I contact him, never say, "call me", he tends to call me more, and even today, has said, "I appreciate that you allow me my down time when I'm stressed, you know how to handle me and that's a good thing". Which means, it goes against everyrhing in my bones, however, he appreciates it, loves me more because I understand what he needs, and I don't ask him for anything....when he knows I'd like more.


So.........my two cents. Give him some space. Call him, say hi, but don't talk too long if he answers. Leave messages, buit don't say to call you back. Leave it in his court. But let him know you care, and that you understand he's busy and that you don't expect anything from him right now. When men are stressed, especially about work, that's all they think about, that's all that consumes them. To them, work is their livelihood (like many times, children are to women). Allow him some space. I know you two are kinda far apart, but even if you weren't, space is important.


Lemme put it this way, right now, I know my dbf is stressing big time. If we lived together, I'd probably just

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 5:04pm
I just wanted to say that you guys are so laid back! WOW so admirable. Me and my girlfriends are like pet detective and Inspector gadgets! I wonder why we are all like that? I mean we all came from stable homes where people always seem things stem from, etc. Like my b/f just called me again to say that he is busy at work and hes the only one there so if he cant text me back to please understand. I was like nope...lol kidding. BUt yeah then he was like I'll see you later and that was it. Maybe I expect a lot and I am needy? Is that bad? uh oh :0 I mean I speak to him atleast once an hr or text each other. I mean I have a job and him too but he's like my best friend and I was like that with my ex best friend as well. WHat's up with that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 5:11pm

SPEAK TO HIM ONCE AN HOUR!?!?! Ok, I love the guy I'm with - even if he doesn't know it yet, and I'm freaking out over not having heard from him in 4 days. But I would go nuts if he was talking to me every hour!

How do you feel if he's not around? or doesn't email / text you all the time? do you feel ignored? lonely? suspicious?

I just sent Pineapple girl an email to say that her post is who I would like to be if I could just get my fears and emotions under control. I know that the "laid back" approach is what men prefer, and respect.

I guess different strokes for different folks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 5:26pm
lol I know. We speak always. Not like hi baby i miss youuuuuuu !!!!!!! no not at all just like um I will go by later to run that errand for you okay bye. Or i'm an idiot i ran downstairs and fell ...ha ha ha. Like dumb stuff. It's not like I'm 18 either we're 25...lol. I just had moment of enlightenment! I'm like that because I'm like that with my sisters. We are all so close we speak everyday. It's not like we have BS jobs either I mean i'm talking engineers, architects, bank VP's. We all just are like that. Like I said good thing he understands me b/c most guys would have been like later...lol