Pineapple girl!! Now what?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Pineapple girl!! Now what?!
1
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 5:08pm

thank you for your advice- on "I love him - is he slipping away". You sound like the rational, caring, supportive woman I would like to be, if only my emotions and fears weren't getting the better of me. I am totally tied up in knots. but I know I have made a concerted effort to to make sure that I've never asked (in the 2 messages I've left him)to please call me back. Instead in the 2 messages I've said - I wanted to tell you how nice it was to see you yesterday, and in the second 2 days later - I wanted you to know how happy I felt when you crossed my mind, I know you're crazy busy, I hope everything is ok, and we'll catch up soon. I've been very careful not to let on that i'm going NUTS, i know he doesn't need that. In fact, since he did make that special effort to see me on Sunday, he's probalby just thinking - man, I should call, but I can't right now. She's cool, she'll understand, I told her how busy I am.

So I'm not going to call again. and hopefully I won't have to go thru the weekend without seeing or hearing from him, because i know he's leaving town again soon for a few days!!
I am dying for reassurance that we are still going away on the may long weekend. but i'm afraid to ask, because he hasn't given any indication that we're not going to go - we've had it planned for 2 months. But I will be heart-broken if he doesn't want to go with me. Wait - what am I saying - he did tell me on Sunday he was looking forward to it!!

I am PRINTING your email to read when I feel nuts, as a reminder of how I want to be. We have spent a lot of time getting to know one another, opening up to one another, he would have to be crazy to throw that away. I know for sure that this man lights up a room for me like no other and intrigues / captivates my mind like no other. If it means I just have to suck it up for a bit. I think I can do that...I just need to stop being so afraid. Thank you for your support. Is it ok to email you? do you have member email?

My ex was very distant all the time, would say he cared then become emotionally distant and withdraw for days. And the man I was with before that went MIA on me, and then dumped me after assuring me everything was alright. It really hurt me. I guess I never got over that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 5:29pm

Email me thru my profile. =)


Also, considering your past, I can understand why you're going crazy. Trust me, this is NOT something that was natural to me either. I too have a history of men doing that same thing. It took all my willpower to LEARN to do this with my dbf. And trust me, I'm grateful it's not a constant thing, however, due to his line of work, this is normal, for one week out of every month. So, I have HAD to learn to deal with it, or run him off. KWIM (know what I mean)?


First, no more phone calls. 1-2 a day is good, especially if it's once at like noon, and once at night, after dinner or something. He knows you're there, he knows he wants to call you, however, he also knows he's busy at work, then after work, he's probably brain dead and tired as can be.


My way of combatting all this, just RATIONALIZE things to myself over and over again. Trust me, like you said, you're feeling insecure about the trip. Especially since you two haven't been able to "fantasize" about how wonderful it'll be, blah blah blah, however, I'm sure he has all intentions of going and in fact is probably looking forward to it more than you, because it will be a nice break from work, AND being spent with you. He just doest' have the time to verbalize that to you, much less really think about it.


Many times, during my bf's stressed out times, is when I get the sweetest, most sappiest emails. I'm sharing this....only cuz it was funny. He wrote, "thinking of you makes me sooo happy" and he attached a picture of Clifford the dog wagging his tail (I love dogs). And, that's the last I heard from him, minus the call telling me his email has been down. And this week alone, I think I've talked to him 1-2 times. lol. But because it's that one week out of the month that's crazy for him, I let it go. TRUST ME, when I say, in the beginning, I would be going nuts. wondering what the heck is going on, blah blah blah. I leanred, it's best if I just don't call. Instead, I shoot him emails and he knows he doesn't have to get back to me. The ONLY time I call him, during this week, is when it's urgent, or right after dinner. Any later and he may have gone to bed.


Hugs. It's not easy to reprogram your brain and put faith in your r'ship and him, but well, it's that, or have him tell you one day, "y'know girlandherdog, I love you, but with work being so crazy, I can't give you what you want, and therefore, I think we shoudl take a break".


How many times have I seen that one. You see, it's because if a woman WANTS/NEEDS more time, expects more time, especially if it's only for a short time (that he's crazy working), he'll end or put the r'ship on hold, before he figures out how to balance it all. Whereas most women, would probably just balance it all. And I don't like when guys do that, cuz as I always tell them, "if we were married, and it was like this, what are you going to ask for a separation until your work calms down? no. so let's find a compromise".


which, btw, i've leanred the best compromise isn't asking him to do a thing, and instead, letting him know i understand, give him some space, and yet, i do expect SOME from him. like at least a call once in awhile (but not everyday) or a "good morning" eamil, even if I don't hear from him for the next day or so. SOMETHING! to reassure me, he at least knows i'm here. lol


i hope this helps. hopefully you can convey all this to him soon. so he knows you're being understanding, but you'd like at least a quick email once in awhile, or even a quick phone call, but it's not an obligation that needs to be fulfilled EVERY NIGHT.


then, when you give him space, i bet you'll get more "attention" than you have been. cuz once they dont' feel pressured to give you soemthing you need, when they KNOW they can't cuz of work, they back off. So, i've learned, instead, for ME to back off.


i'm babbling. lol.

~pineapple_girl