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| Thu, 07-07-2005 - 4:43pm |
I have been married just over a year, and so far I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions. I have made the decision to figure out how to ensure our marriage will succeed regardless of the odds and the statistics. I refuse to be one more statistic, because I believe that if you are committed and work together, you can figure out ways to succeed. Much easier said than done...
I have been struggling with different attitudes from my husband, the fact that he's changing his mind about starting a family (we're both 38), also the fact that he's more interested in hanging out with his friends so much more than when we were both single. And now the fact that he refuses to wear his wedding ring (because he says he hates jewelry and it's uncomfortable).
I would like to get a man’s perspective on this, because I honestly don’t understand. And when I try talking about any of this with my husband, he is resistant and defensive and tells me I want everything my way, and I think this is his way to rebelling or something...
Any insight you may have for me will be most appreciated.
Sincerely,
adlinamcc

In my humble opinion, it sounds like he's not happy. Not necessarily with you, but maybe with what marriage is. OR maybe he assumed this is what marriage is.....him doing his thing, and going out with the boys, instead of being with you. I don't know.
You two need help, and need it fast. My first suggestion would be to ask him, "what do you expect of me in this marriage, what is marriage to you?"
Had I asked that of my xh, I doubt I would've gotten divorced, because I never would've married him. He wnated a wife, who cooked, cleaned, raised the children, did the laundry, took out the trash, take care of the money, and worked full time making a minimum of $75k/yr. I would've laughed in his face had he told me that, and walked away. I walked away anyways, because my xh started hanging with the boys, drinking and staying out late on weeknights (till like 2am when the bars closed), etc. He said, "i don't like married life, I want the single life" and I asked him THEN what he expectd. That's when he told me he expected all the above, and to do what he wants. I just looked at him blankly. We tried to work it out, but by then, he already made his choice....he wanted to live his life a certain way, and well, I wasn't willing.
I'm not sure what is going on with your DH. Mid-life crisis? Wanting the single life back? Expectations not being fulfilled? Who knows.
But my two cent. ASK HIM what he wants, and expects from you as a wife. and what he wants in a marriage. and go from there. cuz if whta he wants, is NOTHING what you want, you have a hard decision ahead of you.
Unfortunately, you should've done all this questioning, and all the work PRIOR to marriage to ensure it'll succeed. But seeing as how you want to do it now, that's a good thing. The bad thing, he's not willing. But see if you can find some sort of compromise. Marriage is not made up of one person. I hope he figures that out soon. Good luck.
~pineapple_girl
Two different thoughts here. Neither my DH nor my dad wears a wedding ring. Both of them hate jewelry....and there's nothing more to it. No big deal. My dad lost his while surfing on his honeymoon and that was over 40 years ago!
However, him changing his mind about starting a family is of great concern. (I'm assuming that you want kids and he doesn't anymore) I understand that you don't want to give up on your marriage and become another statistic, but your fertility is already in the downwards spiral. If you do want to have kids, you don't have time to waste trying to sort this out long term. Yes, problems should be fixable, but to fix them it requires effort on the part of BOTH parties. You cannot fix these problems alone.
Ask yourself this question: Are you prepared to forgo your chance at being a mother to be with your DH - especially considering that he's showing no signs of wanting to fix issues?
If you really want kids, get into counselling ASAP. Make a decision about your future quickly so that you don't loose your remaining fertility.
Hi and welcome to the board. I haven't read any of the other responses but I was like you when I married. I wanted and did give my all. What you have spoke about of your husband is him trying to get back those days of being single. Though when he was single he did not do these things because he knew he was free. Now, he feels compelled to show he is still the same to his friends.
What to do about it? Well there isn't much you can do. This is an issue he has to get past. You can decide will you be understanding and allow him to get through this, but you will be setting a pattern he may not want to change. You can cause uproar and demand to know and be proactive to make him change, but risk resistence and hence a divorce. Either is not good but you know him and it would be best to try to get on his level and do what he does or put your foot down and say I married to begin a family this isn't happening I am moving on. I know neither is what you want but you know him much better then I am know which of the two will get the response from him to open communication to get back on the same wavelength.
After all that now I am compelled to ask how long you two dated?
Thank you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to share with me about your own experiences. I
My DH and I have know each other for about 4 years. When we first met, we became great friends instantly, and remained friends for about 6 months, afterwards we began dating exclusively, as we both wanted a serious relationship and were ready to move forward in life. So we dated for about 1 1/2 years before moving in together and becoming engaged, and then we were engaged for about 1 year before getting married. Funny thing (sort of ironic), is that we were trying to get pregnant right before our wedding day in May last year. The previous Christmas he had given me two pregnancy books as gifts, so we were both in the same page about starting a family, and then we agreed to wait until after being married.
He started expressing concerns about getting pregnant right after our honeymoon, (annoying kids in the airplanes, concerns about money, and also his best friend in life going through a hellish divorce, and his only brother having a pretty bad situation as well - unmarried with a kid and lots of problems). I believe these were all contributing factors to his hesitation.
Someone told me before that maybe now that we're actually married "reality" is hitting home for him and that's what's making him scare about starting a family.
His parents are divorced, his dad has another family (wife and daughter), and DH was raised by his mom (divorced twice) and never re-married. He is the oldest of three. And when we met I knew he wanted just that which he didn't have when growing up.
I understand that we come from different places as my parents have been married for about 40 years now, and I've witnessed the hard times they went through raising four kids, but also the rewards of having an awesome family and staying together. Also this is his first marriage and my second one.
His mom tells me that he doesn't know better because he grew up without a role model, he is used to take care of himself, and that he's always been responsible for himself only, however she also says that he will respond in a positive way once we are pregnant, so she encourages me to get pregnant right away. I am hesitant to do so, as I realize we must first establish a solid base in our relationship.
We both recognize that single life used to be "much simpler" and I guess my DH hasn't got used to the added responsibilities of married life, which goes in line with what his mom told me. But we are here because we choose to be. Now the challenge is to figure out how to get to where we both want to be, ensuring both our needs are met and that we understand each other.
I guess in perspective I’d be willing to let the ring issue slide, and allow him the time and space he obviously needs to get whatever he needs to get out of his system. I trust him 100% and I would be willing to "back off" as far as I know that we are both heading towards the same direction even if we are not in the same page at the moment.
Marriage is scaring him....I don't think it has anything to do with you at all. I think that babies are just another reminder to him about how permanent marriage is. I agree that you need counseling and fast.
Good luck to you....you seem to be very grounded. Now you just have to hope that he can get that back, too...