Insecure for no reason -- what's up?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Insecure for no reason -- what's up?!?!
10
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 2:01pm
Almost 2 months ago I started dating a man that is 7 years my junior. We've spent some great times together and had "the talk" a couple weeks ago (do we want to date anyone else -- no), we've discussed the age difference and what effect that may have (is he heading in the same direction that I am? ie wants to settle down within 5 years). All of our conversations have been reassuring and intimate. Over the last weekend, we spent a lot of time together and I have fallen for him pretty hard. As a girl that doesn't attach easily and honestly, gets annoyed spending more than 4 hours with most men -- 24 and counting with this guy and I am still a happy camper in his company. Lots of cuddling, affection, sweetness. I've met his friends and he's met mine -- we both fit well in each other's circles. He'll be meeting my family (extended included) next weekend, and I'll meet his the following weekend (on a camping trip, no less), and we continue to talk about plans we'd like to make together. Everything has been great. But I'm freaking out. It seems to be going too well if that makes any sense. I'm scared of how fast I'm falling and the chance that I'm setting myself up to get hurt. Should I talk to him about my fears (losing him, screwing this up)? I've always been a go with the flow girl so this has really thrown me for a loop. After a short 2 months, I honestly feel that if I were with anyone but him, I'd be settling. I think my insecurity started setting in when we were talking about the last person we'd dated -- his was 8 months ago, a short 2 month relationship that apparently broke his heart. Now I'm wondering if I'm measuring up to that girl, if I don't come close or if I'm exceeding. Nothing he has done or said makes me think he isn't as into me as I am into him. It's taken me 32 years to find a guy like this and I'm scared it will end. I'm usually not so pessimistic but I've finally found someone that I don't want to lose. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 3:04pm

This: "I'm usually not so pessimistic but I've finally found someone that I don't want to lose." is exactly why you're feeling this: "But I'm freaking out. It seems to be going too well if that makes any sense."

Most of our adult lives it is ingrained in us that "relationships are hard work", "if it seems to good to be true it probably is". IS it any wonder that when things go really well and flow EASILY and naturally we become suspicious of it?

Not really, I know I did it. I've probably done it more then once.

You know what, all realtionships aren't "hard work". They all require effort, but they don't have to be "hard". There doesn't have to be strife and "issues" to deal with ALL the time. Okay so you're dealing with a little issue right now. You're looking for trouble where there, more then likely, isn't any, because you're feeling a little insecure because of some new information which is being topped off with a heavy dose of see-I-knew-it was-too-good-to-last.

Follow your instincts and talk to him. If he's REALLY ready for the kind of realtionship you want. If he isn't still in the part of his life where he's just throwing out lines and seeing what bites. If he's learned from his past and is ready for a mature adult realtionship, he'll understand. He'll want the two of you to work on it together as a team and he'll offer support however he can.

If he doesn't, then you may need to move on.

The last good relationship I was in before I meet my fiance ended about five years ago. He was soooooo close to being the right guy for me. Soooo close, but still not the right guy. Darn it all.

Then at 33 I FINALLY met the right guy the guy I was on the same page with in every way that mattered to me. And I went through the same thing you're going through. I made it harder then it needed to be. But I talked to him and he did all thse things and we made it through with fairly little trouble and I did some "hard work" on me in the process, but I can honestly say the relationship itself really didn't need a lot of work, just a little tweak, it was mostly me worrying too much and trying to make things tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 6:19pm
Thank you for your reply. I think you hit a couple nails on their heads. One, that I'm being naturally (by default) suspicious about us being "too perfect" and two, I am making more out of what he told me about his last girlfriend than he ever meant for me to hear (I'm sure he would feel badly if he knew I was dwelling on it). When I'm with him, I have no doubts or insecurity. We live an hour away from each other so we are only able to see each other a few times a week. If we lived in the same city, maybe I wouldn't wonder so much about things. Because honestly, he's never given me any reason to doubt him or his (new) committment to me. He's kind, considerate, sensitive, affectionate and I just melt when he looks at me. It is my past, unfortunately, that is contributing to my insecurity. Being single at 32, I guess I'm used to failed relationships not (gasp!) successful ones. I realize that whatever happens will happen for the best but at the same time, I am certain I will be quite devastated if it doesn't evolve into what I'm hoping it will. Let's hope I don't completely screw it up when I spend the weekend with his parents! ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 7:55am

Wow, I could have written this post about a year ago. One thing I have learned is that when it's really right it 's next to impossible to "screw it up".

Some of the things I said and did in the beginning would have sent a different guy running for the hills. Some of the things he said and did in the beginning would ahve normally sent me runnign for the hills. But it was right and we were both at the right time in our lives and instead of running we talked and everything worked out.

It wasn't "easy" per se but it wasn't hard either. It was scary but seemed like the natural right thing to do. It just wasn't a struggle the way past relationships have been. Even when it wasn't easy it didn't feel hard. I guess because I was still happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 12:27pm

Hi Webgrrrrl!


I am new to this board but I definitely know where you are coming from!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 7:04am
Me and my boyfriend have been seeing each other on and off for about a year and a half now. He has hooked up with other girls in the process of our off moments all of which were "text-book beauties". I know exactly how you feel in the sense that, even though he comes back to me, I dont know if I measure up to them. He always seemed pretty proud to be going out with them and the mood seems kinda different when he's around me.
I think you should tell him your concerns, by the sound of him, he's bound to reassure you. See how things go, stay positive and go with the flow.
GOOD LUCK!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 4:42pm

I'm starting to feel more at ease now. Both by the posts I have received and by having a couple more great dates with him. We celebrated my birthday this week and he couldn't have been more perfect and considerate -- beautiful flowers, wine, and a wonderfully romantic restaurant. After a bit o' wine, I briefly told him what was going on in my head (why is it always AFTER the wine?!? haha!). I didn't want to go into it too deeply but just told him I was crazy about him (he replied that he was nuts about me too) and that I was scared I will get hurt. His reply of "I hope you don't get hurt" wasn't the answer I *really* wanted but I understand that we both can't be 100% sure of where this is headed. And he's a guy and communicates differently, right? Anyway, I need to relax. Especially when I go on the trip -- don't want to come off as too needy/lovestruck to him or his folks. I wish my neurotic little brain would give it a rest sometime so I can just enjoy it to the fullest. An analytic mind is great but sometimes not so healthy (at least in my case!). He's meeting my family tonight. I know they'll take to him right away. Hopefully they don't embarrass me in the meantime!! They've teased (threatened?) me that they're going to ask him his intentions. Of course I warned him about this so hopefully he'll throw something back to them like "well, now that she's pregnant..." just to catch them off guard. ;) Thanks again for all your replies. I truly appreciate it.

And Kaydz -- what's with this guy you're dating? Are you dating other guys in your off moments too? How is he displaying this pride of dating these beauties? What keeps drawing you back together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 12:31pm
This is all hitting very close to home, but helpful to read. I was dating someone for two months and it moved so fast. We spent so much time together and talked to each other everyday. I, of course, started to get a bit concerned about whether we were on the same page cause I really just did not want to set myself up for a fall and he had never had a relationship longer than six months (he's 31, this should have been a huge red flag!). So, I broached the subject of what was going on between us and he said we were "having fun" and I was a "fun girl." This really was not what I wanted to hear, but he's not all that articulate so I let it pass, but he mentioned how "fun" I was on a few other occasions and it really got to me. So, the other night, I tried to really nicely explain that "fun" is not necessarily the answer I was looking for and if he actually means that this is not just a passing thing or a bit of fun, to tell me. The next morning at 6:30 a.m., I got an email from him saying that it was over because I was pressuring him and he didn't think he could say anything right in my eyes. This was yesterday. I still haven't even spoken to him and I don't think I want to. What is the point? If someone can just walk away, the minute they feel any sort of challenge, then I don't think they're the right person. But, I am so disappointed and can't help like feeling that I should have just kept my mouth shut and gone with the flow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 7:09pm

On our "off-moments" the first time, I was too heart-broken to get involved with anyone else. He was off with another girl, (younger than me!) but after about a week he came back to me apologising and saying it was a mistake. Now that you ask, I suppose its just my own insecurity (i ask myself, what makes them better than me?)
I have got involved with others on past occassions, but more often than not, I've put alot of other potential men on hold, for the sake of this relationship.
What makes me take him back?? I just love to be with him, he makes me laugh and feel so comfortable; I convince myself that the next time will be better than the last.

Im glad you spoke to your boyfriend!! Hope the meeting with your parents went well, it would be interesting to see the look on their faces if he told them he got you pregnant! haha!
He might not have said it in the way you might have hoped but at least it put you at ease, read *understanding men* on ivillage, (if u havnt already).
Deffinatly RELAX and ENJOY youself on your trip!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 7:53am

"...can't help like feeling that I should have just kept my mouth shut and gone with the flow."

Try to not feel that way. All not expressing yourself would have accomplished would have been prolonging the inevitable. You shouldn't conform to try to extend a relationship and you shouldn't holding back about discusisng your feelings. When the right guy comes along at the right time, he wont be scared off by your honesty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 3:14pm

Don't worry. If things are going well, that's a good thing. If you are having some serious feelings for this guy, let it happen. Do what feels natural. Be yourself. No reason to bring up your doubts to him, this will bring in a negative vibe. If the vibe is positive right now, ride the wave. Enjoy it, you're in love! How often does that happen? I've learned in life that in order to get what you deserve, we need to put something on the line. Maybe you just need to let go of your insecurity of wondering if you measure up to some other girl. He's with you right now isn't he? He could be with somebody else, but he chose you. He keeps choosing you. That is the loudest form of praise a guy can give. Don't rock the boat just because there aren't any waves. Smooth sailing is a good thing. Keep on being you and it will work out. It's so hard to surrender yourself in a relationship I know. But if you let fear and doubt creep in, where does it get you? Don't make something out of nothing.

Midwest Jake