i did a bad bad thing... any future now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
i did a bad bad thing... any future now?
4
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 8:21pm

i had my first date with an online guy yesterday, he came from the city (NYC) on a subway to my area, took him over an hour to get there (and usually city boyz try to stay local, lol). before we met, he joked that if we hit it off, i would have to come to the city for the second date.

we had a few drinks in a nice lounge, we had great time, he kept saying that I was cute and funny, then he suggested to get out. when we walked out he jokingly asked whether I had HBO... he said he was harmless...oh well, i know the rules (no sex on the first date) but i figured some making out would be OK... what did i know?..
we got to my place, had some wine, watched Sat Night Live and kinda ended up by having sex.... in the middle of it i started freaking out that i was making a mistake and we stopped.. he said it was cool, he understood that i wanted to get more comfortable with him first, he could see that i was a "good girl" and asked whether he could just stay over and cuddle. I figured it would be very awkward in the morning so I sent him home (turned out, it took him 2 hrs to get home). before he left, he said he would like to hang out sometimes next weekend (he lives and works in the city, takes some classes after work) as his week is very hectic, i agreed.

i thought that I messed things up and i would never hear from him again.. he called me next morning joking that i took advantage of him the other night, asked whether he could see me next Saturday and said that he is willing to come to my area again and even go to the same lounge... but this time he said he would stay on the couch or kitchen floor as it's a suicide to go home that late with the commute. i suggested a daytime date, some activities like a park or a zoo but he just laughed at it... i even suggested meeting in the city after work but he said that I was weird as I would not stay at his place and would insist on going home...he said he would be in touch over the next couple of days to schedule something for next Saturday....

so, do I officially have a F%ck Buddy now or is there any way to turn this into something more meaningful? in the worst case, a FB is needed sometimes too....
and, BTW, i am 29 and he is 33...

guys' opinions would be great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 9:50am

well, after calling me Sunday morning, the FB called me again at night.
he basically said that after getting home from the date at 5am, he was a mess all day long, he had to get a nap and then missed out on all the work he had to do, had to catch up on work at night. he also said that he liked me and wanted hang out and to get to know me, however, he wouldn't last long with those commutes. he suggested us to be adults about it and allow him to stay over next time after the date (again, couch, kitchen floor, etc.)

he said that it was a 2-way street, if he is willing to go out all the way to my area hang out, then i need to be an adult and provide the shelter afterwards... he suggested that if we hung out in his area and it were 3am when the date was over, he would offer me his bed and stayed on the couch so that i wouldn't have to take a train at night...

i finish work at 5pm, and twice a week i am at the gym after work until 7pm, so I suggested him to meet me afterwards and then i would go home around 10 pm. he only finishes work at 7pm and he is 30 minutes away from where my gym is, plus he said that this week will be crazy... then i suggested spending the day on the beach but he said that that he was a night person and usually had tons of things to do during the day (chores, homework, gym, etc.), but it's still a possibility (and this entire week is supposed to be raining, no beach on Sat).

i mean, if i change my attitude about it and just see it as a FB, then maybe it will be less complicated. we both know that nobody will sleep on the couch but all this dancing around is really weird.

i guess if i want to see him, he is to stay afterwards, so technically, it is a FB, right?
oh well, i am setting my own trap...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 2:45pm

You said it yourself it's "weird". I'm sorry, but to me something is up if a guy is prerssuring you after one date to let him stay over (sleeping on the sofa or not).

I'd cut this one loose if I were you. I'm just not getting a "nice guy" vibe from what you're sharing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 8:55pm
Nick is right. He doesn't sound like a "nice guy". He is pressuring you after you already told him you were uncomfortable with him staying over. If he wants to see you he will make arrangements that YOU can find acceptable. Just because he stopped the first time isn't a true indication of his character. A lot of guys will start out acting like you are the one calling the shots so they can get you to feel comfortable with them until they can get what they want without worrying about "date rape" being considered. If it was your company he wanted he would compromise and accept the daytime date you suggested. You are an adult, and by implying you aren't he is trying to manipulate you into doing things his way. Cheap trick and it only works if you lack self-esteem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 2:04am
This guy is probably thinking in "picking up where you left off"....more of the same. If you suggested day time activities and he laughed and such I'd tell him directly to his face that you're NOT going to have sex with him on the next date or any time soon, if that's what'd like to do. Look for his reaction and that will tell you if this man is willing to get to know you for you OR only wants to get in your pants for free.