Can Booty Calls Ever Be More?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Can Booty Calls Ever Be More?
9
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:32pm


Booty calls and friends with benefits. Either way you look at it, it's casual sex. There's nothing wrong with either of these situations as long you set boundaries...and stick to them. Many of us think we can handle casual sex, even with friends, but it often proves to be more difficult and/or emotional than you would have thought. All of a sudden you begin to wonder if it could be more. After all, you are friends, have great sex, and laugh together. It can work out, right? You wouldn't believe how many letters I get regarding this exact situation. Well, can this ever be more?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 7:43am

I've had several friends with benefits relationships. I say relationships because I was genuinely fond of and friends with all of the guys. In more then one I would go through stages just like you described when I would begin to believe I was developing more romantic feelings about the guy.

I think it's only natural to feel that way. After all this is a friend that you care about and have connection with and once you through sex in the mix it's easy to start to believe that companionship + sex = love. When this would happen I would talk t the guy about it and we'd take a break from the sex and see each other a little less. Usually within a month I realized I was confusing friendship with sex for real romantic love.

Once I could my feelings in check things would resume as the were before. All the guys were totally understanding and respectfully of me when I needed to back away.

We always set the ground rules right up fornt and everyone was clear that as soon as either party was interested in someone else romantically the sex was over but the friendship remained.

I'm still acquainted with two of my FWBs. We don't hang out much because I'm busy getting married and they are both involved as well. As far as I know no one has ever been hurt in the FWBs I've been involved in.

The key is to just keep your head screwed on straight and take breaks and give yourself periodic reminders that there is a reason this is an FWB and not a romantic love relationhsip. Some people can handle it. Some people can't the keys to being successful is recognize whether or not you are and whether or not the eperson your with is the type that CAN handle it.

There's nothing wrong with not being able to separate love and sex, but unless you want to get hurt a lot you better know for sure you can before you give BCs or FWBs a try. OR heck even give it a try but once you start to feel invested in a romantic relationship that doesn't exist, talk it out; and, if you can't separate it, I wouldn't advise trying it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 9:32pm
Personally, I've only had one FWB situation and I couldn't handle it. I equate sex with love and emotion and always have so ever since that one situation I haven't put myself in another one like it. I know some people that can handle it (usually men) and some that can't but still do it anyway. I always warn my women friends that if they can't handle it not to do it because you can end up hurting yourself. When I'm starting a new relationship or dating, I usually wait awhile for the sex part because I want it to be meaningful and I want the man to respect me because I respect myself. It's also a good way to weed out the ones that just want booty calls. If a man runs and doesn't want to wait at least for a little while (I'm not talking years or until marriage) then he's not worth my time and that's all he was out for anyway. It's really difficult for me to understand how some women can handle the FWB situation and not have some emotions involved. It's difficult because I'm single now so the temptation I know will be there but I'm going to hold out until I meet someone special.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 7:53am

It isn't something you can really do unless you're basically okay with casual sex becasue that's what it is. It's casual sex on a regular basis with someone you know and trust, but it is casual sex.

I'm okay with casual sex, so that's a big hurdel out of the way. Another thing that helps is I learned to acknowledge that FWB or a BC isn't a romantic relationship. It's an arrangement between adults who are friends. I tried to never consider my FWBs to be potential boyfriends.

The times it became an issue were largely because the guys I was dating didn't have much potential and then I'd start thinking of the FWB as boyfriend potential becasue I wasn't finding any boyfriend potential in my dating. I'd explain to my FWB and distance myself for a week or two and then I'd be able to resume the FWB arrangement. I just needed a break to remind myself that the FWB was my friend not a potential boyfriend. If he had been a potential boyfriend I would have asked him out.

I also think I've never really confused love and sex. Sex is a part of being in a loving relationship, but love isn't always part of sex. The first guy I ever had sex with was my high school sweetheart who I was with for seven years. By the end we were like an old married couple and sex was a little on the boring side and my emotional needs weren't being met any longer so I slowly realized that the love I had for him had changed and there was no turning it back. Loved him as a friend not as the man I could live with for the rest of my life. Looking back I wonder if I didn't mistake the love I had for a friend for something more all along. So in weird way, my ex-fiance was my first FWB. I think that might have been the only time in my life I truly confused the two things.

So that's probably why I don't find it confusing, other then momentarily. And the times it was confusing were caused purely by my desire for something more and the lack of potential I was finding for that in the men I was actually dating.

Also, anyone who stops dating when they have an FWB probably shouldn't have one. That's not what it's about. FWB is about having something (sexually) until someone you can have sex with AND love comes along. Honestly, I wouldn't even recommend trying FWBs to a person who is taking a break from dating. Becasue we all have that desire to pair up and bond with someone special, if you aren't looking for that person by dating you're that much more likely to find FWBs confusing because you're more likely to start looking at him for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 1:47pm

I currently have a FWB for the past 4 months and am beginning to develop feelings for him, which really sucks. But the worst thing about the whole thing is that he is extremely affectionate, spend everyday and night with me, hangs out and has adventures all summer long with me. How could I NOT develop feelings for him? He is like a boyfriend at this point and I get hopping mad when he decides to hang out with other girls ( which he says are just friends).

I think there is this fine line that keeps getting crossed here. Actions and Words getting mixed up. I am from the school of " if it walks and talks like a duck, it probably is". He acts like a boyfriend on all accounts...EVERYTHING.. down to sharing money when the other doesnt have it, which we both do for each other, food shopping, and laundry. But the flip side of this is that whenever he feels like we are spending too much time together, he puts this HUGE wall up for 24 hours and runs away.

???? can someone expain this?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 5:22pm

All the boyfriend-like actions in the world don't amount to a hill of beans if he doesn't have the INTENT and the DESIRE to be your boyfriend.

It's not inconsistent for him to act that way, but still not want a committed relationship. He enjoys your company, the companionship and the sex. If you want a committed relationship, though, you need to find someone who wants the same thing. Almost doesn't count in the relationship arena!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 1:09am
he enjoys intimacy for the sake of intimacy, but he does not regard you as girlfriend material. that would explain his behavior... sorry - just my read on the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 10:29am
Maria and Sherry are correct. Guys like hanging out but many women take that as what boyfriends do but actually that is what friends do also. Hence the FWB. As Sherry said if you want a commitment then go find someone who wants it because you will be really disappointed when he says he is dating someone but is still wanting to sleep with you as they aren't to that level and once they get there he leaves.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 9:56pm
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for this discussion!! My best friend works with a guy, "V" who I met when a group of us went out about a month ago. She was hoping to hook us up. "V" started calling me a couple times a week, but it was always casual conversation. If the group of people from my friends work were going out my friend and "V" would always call me to make sure I was coming. Recently at one of these gatherings "V" and I were dancing and ended up kissing. "V" is a gorgeous, sweet, guy who I know I would end up falling for if we ever continued on physically. I have not talked to "V" about whether or not he is looking for a relationship, it is much too soon. However, after reading people's input on this discussion, I realize that if all "V" is looking for is FWB or BC I could not handle it. I will be keeping my distance just in case!! Thank you again everyone!!
Avatar for marsgen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-24-2005 - 9:24am

Hi,

One of my best friends is exactly in a such a situation.

She has been seeing a guy at work for 9 months now. At first, he would call her every two weeks, then once a week. There were weeks he would stop calling her altogether. He would constantly, and still, tells her that he is not in love with her.

However, my friend is on vacation now and she has been for the past two weeks. He has been calliing her constantly almost every day. He confides in her and he wants to see her all the time. So I am thinking that there may be some potential there.

I have to admit I never would have believed it if I did not see it for myself, but hey I guess things can change.

Take care,

Ginny