Is this our sencond chance?
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| Wed, 07-13-2005 - 7:43pm |
I am going through a divorce from an 8 year marriage. We have 3 kids together. Anyway, I tracked down an old boyfriend (ex-fiance) through an internet site and emailed him. He emailed me back, giving me his cell# and telling me that he would be back near my area yesterday afternoon. I called him Sunday night, just to see if he actually would speak to me. (We dated for our senior year, and he had joined the Army shortly after high school. When he got his station in upstate NY, six months later, I cheated on him and got pregnant). Anyway, he did want to talk to me. He told me that he is going through a divorce also..has a son, and is getting station to a base about 2hours from me in a week. 3 hours later, we ended our conversation...saying that we'd talk more the next night. I called him the next night and got his voicemail. He called back about 30min later and we spent another 4 hours on the phone. He said that he wanted to come see me on his way home the next day, and I said sure. So he calls yesterday to tell me he's on his way over, I give him directions. About an hour later, he's pulling in my driveway. I was such a shock to see him after 10 years and everything that has happened. He told me that he didn't hold what I did against me, and didn't hate me for it. He probably would've done it if I hadn't. We watched movies until 2am then tried to go to sleep. Our kids sacked out in the living room. Needless to say, not much sleep happened. Waking up with him this morning was amazing.
Here's my dilemma: is this our second chance? I don't want to let him get away again. It was the perfect relationship, and think it could be again. He gave little hints and made comments to the same. Should I let things lie for the time being and see what he does, or should I make a move? Neither of our divorces are final, and I understand that he doesn't really want the kids to know anything right now. He didn't even kiss me good-bye this morning when he left, and I understand why.
I'm confused and could really use some help on this. Thanks in advance.

Try not to jump ahead of yourself. Your both at a very vulnerbale time in your lives and it's only natural to look up old flames and wonder about rekindling the past. But you aren't the same people you were ten years ago, and what seems wonderful now may not have actually been all that great. The old roses tinted glasses...
Personally, I prefer not to look back other then to learn from my past mistakes. Generally, the past is the past for a reason and it's best to simply move forward smarter then you were before. Having said that, there are always exceptions.
Just be sure that you aren't letting your emotions get away from you and your need to be with someone isn't compromising and coloring reality. It's easy to let happen. You probably could both use a shoulder to lean on. Just becareful and stay grounded. Which, honstly it sound slike your having a little trouble doing right now.
After all you're already thinking in terms of him being the one and you've only had a few hours together and a few phone calls. You're definitely putting the cart before the horse, never a good thing to do.
It isn't dumb, it's something that you needed at that moment. There's nothing wrong with that. We all need that feeling of liking someone and being accpeted by someone and we just plain need human touch, and sex provides that.
The tricky part then becomes not confusing something what fulfilled a need of the moment with love and something that can fulfill a need for a longer period of time.
I've had several friends with benefits and I see nothing wrong with that. I think it's possible for that sort of thing to become more though I think it's unusual. Maybe that's what this will become maybe it will become soemthing more and maybe you'll just remain good friends.
There are two men I loved before my fiance. They both have a place in my heart and I believe I have a place in theirs, it doesn't mean I could have made a marriage work with them. That simply wasn't in the cards. I would have liked to have remained friends longer afterward, but that wasn't in the cards either.
You can be sad when something ends and still acknowledge it was meant to be that way. Life just has a strange way of giving you the opportunities you NEED if you are wise enough to recognize them for what they are. If they are transient, that's okay, that's life.
Some maybe this was what you needed in the moment and maybe it will become something more. Don't try to force it, if it's right for you it'll happen. And keep trying not to make yourself nuts thinking about it and analyzing it that'll only make you more tempted to force it.
Over the last couple of days, I've done a lot of thinking. I tend to be on the pessimistic (sp?) side of things when it comes to relationships. I guess I've convinced myself that he's blown me off and it was a one-time deal, but then I start thinking. He had a lot to finish before his trip, he had his son with him...etc. Then I realize I'm over analizing. One extreme to the other. I'm so messed up.
I was able to speak with him for a few minutes Friday night. He had to go to Tenessee this past weekend to take his son home and pick up the last of his things to finalize his move down here. Said he'd talk to me when he got back (tonight).
Why is it that I can't stop thinking about him? Remembering the sound of his voice makes me smile. Remembering the night we had together makes me smile. Remembering HIM makes me smile. What's wrong with me?
Under the circumstances you're reacting perfectly normally. It's only natural to feel the things you're feeling. Wht you need to learn to do is set those feelings aside and not allow them to become the focus of your day.
It's so easy to allow yourself to get worked up iver what in reality is not a major life changing thing. I've done it plenty of times and I still do from time to time. When I find myself doing it I try to address WHY I might be doing it rather then continue harping on the thing itself.
For example, when I first started seeing my fiance I was very insecure about the relationship even though it became serious quickly. In particular there was one female friend of his that bothered me. I came to realize that there was no reason for me to be insecure. The insecurity wasn't really stemming from his friendship it was just a conveient excuse. The insecurity was really coming from how fast things went and form bad experiences in my past. I was finding it difficult to really trust him becasue i'd been burned. It was only normal for me to feel that way but to work past it I had to put those feelings aside and figure out what the real casue was and work on that.
It seems to me that the main reason your probably so hung up on this man is becasue you're on your own again and probably a little lonely. Probably missing male attention, in general. So it's only normal that you would reach out to a lost love and that you might obsess a little about it. The reality is though that your freshly divorced you have three children and your on your own for the first time in a very long time.
Don't try to make more out of the situation then there is. Right now myabe it looks like it was just one night that you both needed pretty bad. Accept and be greatful for that and then if it does develop into more it's just icing on the cake. If it doesn't you got a much needed confidence boost and adult interaction. Try to look at it from what you DID get fromt he situation not what you might not.
ANd when you find yourself obsessing do soemthing else, distract yourself. I know it may seem like oyu can't stop thinking about him, but you can you just have to make yourself. I'm not saying it's easy, but trudt me it can be done. I've done it MANY times.