do we have to connect on ALL levels?
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| Mon, 07-18-2005 - 8:50pm |
So, I've been in a relationship for about 5 months --- very serious from the get-go. We're totally in love. We are a lot alike, but we're also very different in a specific area. I'm more of a deep, philosophical thinker (been told I'm an 'old soul'). Don't get me wrong, I like to have fun/light times & drink beer at sports bars on occasion, but also like to ponder about 'things'. I love stimulating conversation. He's more of an alpha male, likes sports, likes his buddies, likes drinking… not terribly cerebral.
Last weekend we went out in a big group, one guy said some philosophical quote… and I was the only one interested in expounding upon it. Everyone else (his friends - who are all in their 30's just like him) just looked blankly, then kept on drinking. Then last night my boyfriend says, "I think you're a deep, philosophical type. Deeper than me. Me? I like to keep things on the surface. Don't really like to delve too much below the surface..." (???) I wish I would've said, "so... what exactly does that mean?" But didn't. I just agreed. It didn't sound like he minded... I just fear that he thinks I might get bored w/ him... or that he feels he's not a perfect match for me (vice versa). Why else would he say something like that!?
Do I wish he were more into learning new things/deep thinking/etc? Sure... but is it worth ending things over? We connect on physical, spiritual and emotional levels, but how important is it to connect on an intellectual one?

It seems that you been the "intellectual" half of the couple care about these things more than your BF, otherwise you wouldn't have posted it here. I think that your BF admires your abilities to discuss a topic that he perhaps doesn't even understand. His comment of him been more superficial didn't sound to me like he cared one way or another. He was just making a comment.
It's possible that you like to be intellectually stimulated, more than your BF, and that when that opportunity presents itslef you jump right into it. Your BF on the other hand continues to chat and drink. That shows that you can be a couple -sharing some areas- but different at the same time.
The question here could be "How important is this to ME" and not "How important is this to my BF?". Ask yourself if you'd like to spend the rest of your life with your BF, who is a good, smart guy but who isn't the intellectual type. There is nothing wrong in looking for what you want, if that is the case.
how are your one-on-one conversations? how often do you find them boring? do you ever find yourself dumbing things down so he can understand? do you struggle to find topics that interest both of you? do you ever find yourself initiating sex, just to alleviate an awkward silence? does he?
all of these things are normal once in a while, but a big red flag if they happen all the time. in my experience, when a couple has trouble with conversation, it usually means they are mismatched in intelligence. eventually ends up being dissatisfying for both.
I agree with ccruise, what matters most is how much this difference bothers YOU.
Having said that, to answer your question NO you don't have to connect on all levels. One thing I have learned in my 33 years is just how important it is to maintain healthy supportive realtionships outside your relationship with your romantic partner. My fiance can't handle long conversations about relatinships or about some of the things I read and learn at ivillage. But my girlfriends can, to varying degrees.
Part fo why I come to ivillage is because I love to help people and I love to share my experiences and what knowledge I can. After about 10 minutes he'd be bored to tears. That's okay, it's just not his thing. Just like I love going to the race track with him, but i cna't go for the whole day, I get horribly bored. So half way through the day I go shop for a few hours and get lunch with a girlfriend.
If you have a deeply philosphical side and he doesn't that just means that you nedd to find a couple of friends that share that interest with you and maybe schedule a girls night with them or a large group activity where you can have your deep discussion at your end of the table and he can drink and talk sports at his.
When my fiance and I are out with our friends we frequently end up with two or three different conversations happening at the same time. No one feels left out and everyone gets to enjoy themsleves. You just have to be comfortable enough to get up and move to the conversation you're interested in and not stayed glued to your SOs side.
Thank you all so much for your responses! I completely agree.
A wise woman (my mom) once told me, "nobody can be your everything" --- and she's right. I am able to have deep/intellectual discussions with other male/female friends, at least. And it's not that my boyfriend isn't smart --- he is --- he has passions and is very knowledgable about a lot of things. I guess I just expect us to share our thoughts, dreams, desires and fears with one another... which we might do, in time. Heck, I think it might just be a mars/venus thing (???). ;)
But because we are so compatible in other areas, and do have that chemistry/spark that is so rare, I will continue to be committed. If it proves to be a problem in the future, then we'll deal with it then. I just fear that if I commit a lifetime to him (we've already talked marriage) with this NOT being a problem NOW, only to find that it does turn into one in the future...??? UGH. I should just stop over-analyzing/worrying and concentrate on enjoying the PRESENT! :)