what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
what to do
10
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 8:52am
so i broke up with my only real bf back in february. and i can't get over him!!! he is such a good person, and knows me so well. i feel like without him i have nothing. we tried not talking....didnt work. we tried talking, then that lead to seeing him, which lead to sleeping with him. i have such mixed feelings about him. i get mad at him so much, that y we broke up. but im going crazy without him. right now we email a bit, but i havent seen him in about a month. any advice??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: taurus084
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 8:30am

taurus084...

Haven't you posted this problem before on some of the other L&S message boards? PG recognized it from the words you used.

What's with the desperation? Is your EX the only man who has EVER meant ANYTHING to you?
.

After 6 months, it's time to move on. So PLEASE stop wining and crying about this! If the man had any real interest in you, he'd make more of an effort than sending you an occasional email!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
In reply to: taurus084
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 5:12pm
first of all, no i havent posted this before. i dont believe that i have ever posted anything on the message board before. second of all yes he is the only guy who has ever really treated me like i should be treated (better really) and the only one who really took the time to get to know me. and no, i don't live a sheltered life, i am just a very unique person, and it takes awhile for me to open up. not many people give me a chance. and lastly i didnt think that i was "whining and crying" just looking for a little advice, and i guess i got it. and he does have real interest in me, he doesnt talk to me anymrore because i wont let him because that just leads to missing him more and blaha blah blah.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
In reply to: taurus084
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 7:14am

It's rough when someone you care about is no longer part of your life. I understand that.

But if you broke up then you need to move on. Seeing him leads to sleeping with him so cold turkey (as gut-wrenching as it will be) may be your only option.

Go to your friends, your family. Make more guy friends, and live. Most of all live, becuase you're sticking yourself in a time warp and you will regret it.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: taurus084
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 7:48am
It must be hard. The last message sounds good advice.
But well I have a friend who split up with his girlfriend at the beginning of the year. He loves her so much and is hurting. They have known each other a very long time. The problems were that she kept playing games with him and would not be intimate which confused him. He also has problems he is trying to address. He wants to make the best life for him and her he possibly can but it seems the two of them cannot work through the problems. If the two could address a future of well being for each other it could work out but if they don't address the problems in the long run will be a circle of pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: taurus084
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 10:12am

I'm curious. Why did you break up with him? What irritates you so much that you get angry? I believe there's a reason you broke up with him, it could be him, or it could be your own issues. We can't really give any advice, w/o really knowing the TRUE story.

I mean, you say he took the time to get to know you and he treats you the best. For all we know, "treating you the best" means not beating the crap out of you everyday (at one point, that's all I was asking for in a man, so I'm not just saying to be a bitch or anything). And many men will take the time to get to konw you, IF you 1. allow them, 2. get over an X (many ppl can tell when you're not over an X), 3. stop using the "I'm so unique" bit

Everyone is unique. And some ppl require more time. If the guy isn't willing to wait to see, then he's not interested in you THAT much. If any man is, he'll stick around, at least for awhile.

Hugs. But I am wondering, what is the true story.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: taurus084
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 11:11am

It sounds almost like your usign the pain of your past to guard you from pain in yourfuture. In other words using your pain as ashield to prevent future intimacy and future heartbreak.

It's a perfectly normal thing to do but until you release that pain you'll never be able to let anyone new in. You have to learn to let go and that it's okay to love soemone.

Unfortunately heartbreak is usually a part of finding the right person. Who have to leanr what is right for us in a longterm partner through trial and error and that's going to mena being hurt, probably more then once and letting go of the pain and moving on from guys who are great but not quite right for us.

Yes it hurts and sometimes it takes longer to move on then others but you have to open yourself back up and be vulnerable to that pain again if you're going to fall in love again. There is no "easy" way to get over a lost love you just have to do it day-by-day and try not to dwell on it by occupying yourself with other things including new guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
In reply to: taurus084
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 4:21pm

alright so the true very long story made as short as possible is: i met hime while i was away at school. he was on drugs and drinking wayyyyyyyyyy too much.i was with him for a couple weeks when he was like that, but then he went away for a week and i decided i had to get over him. he was not the kind of person i wanted to be with. but then he came back, and quit all the hard drugs and the drinking. we only had a couple months left of school by this time and we bonded alot during this time. we didnt spend much time apart.

Then the summer came and we both went home to live with our parents for the summer. this is about 4.5hr drive apart. we still talked on the phone every night and saw eachother every 2 or 3 weeks. i started to realize that he might not be the one for me around december i think. but we got along so well i just didnt know what my problem was. so i told him that i didnt want to see him for a month or so to try and figure things out.

i ended up breaking up with him over the phone (i know its not the best way to do it) in february. he was very hurt by it at the time and we didnt talk for a couple weeks. then i called him and we started to talk more and more frequently again until we were talking everyday. then he moved about an hour away from where i live so i went to see him, with no intention of kissing him or anything...but that didnt work. so i started to see him every week or so. we wern't "together" at the time but we were getting close again. i still didnt know what i really wanted. but then he started smokeing and drinking and partying again. a saw him a few weeks ago and i got mad because he had to leave to go pay some lady for drugs....real cool. so we were supposed to go camping this summer but i told him i didnt want to anymore. after that he actually quit calling and now he emails me occasionally, and thats where we stand now.

he did actually treat me VERY good. he would do anything for me. he listened to me and supported me in everything. he held me while i cried (which was very often) without saying a word...just to be there. we really meant alot to eachother. we are both going through hard times. now i just think that the drugs are taking my place. he seems so differnet on them...he doesnt notice as much. i just wish we cold be friends, but it is so hard. i cant be friends with him when he is partying all the time. but if we got back together i dont think that he would. i really dont even know why we broke up...there was just something missing for me. but he still means the world to me and i think he always will. im so confused!

thanks for the advice everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: taurus084
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 5:41pm

minus the durgs bit, because I won't say dump him cuz of them, because he obviously quit at one point for you. So, we'll assume he'd do it again ifyou stayed with him.

Therefore, my question is.....

what was missing for you? why did you feel he's not the one? which man did you fall in love with? the one w/o drugs, or the one with? what if he continues to do drugs if you date him again?

I guess, I'd have to wonder why you felt he wasn't the one, in the first place. and then yet, you still want him in your life. It seems to me, that you miss his company, more than you miss the actual person he is, because obviously something was missing....maybe you should think about that. what was missing?

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
In reply to: taurus084
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 6:03pm

what was missing is what i am really tryint to figure out myself. i guess its just kind of a personality thing. which is a big issue really. he is wild and crazy, and i am reserved and quiet. it's funny because i am a taurus and he is a leo...and we arent supposed to be very compatable. i liked the guy who wasnt on drugs for sure... the one on drugs was just trying to hide from something i think. he just couldnt handle the pain of the cruel world (which is somehting we had in common). he is a musician and just wants to play music, but its not always that easy. i guess money was an issue for us too. he spent all he had pretty much...and i saved saved saved. i wanted to go to new zealand with him, but he didnt have the money. i guess i just felt like i always wanted to change him, but i didnt want to at the same time. i wanted him to be himself, but i know i wouldnt have be satisfied with that. i guess we just arent right for eachother, but we both want it to work so bad because we like eachother so much. we just dont understand how it could be like that. to like someone so much, but not be happy?? it just really hurts not to see him...but it might be the only way to get over him.

thanks for the advice pineapple girl...its the best i have gotten so far! everyone else just says "GET OVER IT!) but im glad you realize it isnt that easy...you must have been in a similar situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: taurus084
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 6:44pm

for myself. It's not always about not liking someone, or can't making it work. but it's more like. what's the true story? what happened in the first place? i learned that love can't conquer all, and that sometimes, no matter how much you like someone, it's not meant to be, because your personalities aren't compatible, or he's too much of one thing (like the wild and crazy part) and you're not. It can be worked on, but I guess, the question is, who's willing to compromise and can you do it?

i.e. my bf is very outgoing will talk to anyone loves to be around people. Me, I'm totally opposite. I like solitude, prefer to be alone, and am shy and not crazy about talking to ppl I don't konw. Well, our compromise is that he understands that when we're out, he can't ditch me, that I may not be my "normal" self that he knows, and that I may get pooped out a LOT faster than him, and want to go home, whereas he may think the party just started. And for me, I realized, he's a homebody. He loves ppl, but he can be with me and be happy. So I'm okay with him, cuz he doesn't have to be "out" all the time and with his friends. He's okay being with me only.

Yup, I've had my trials and tribulations and am learning more about myself because of them. Yeah, things may not be perfect, and ppl may tell me to leave him, but overall, we're both willing to work on things, and find our middle ground (which is VERY crucial for opposites, like me and bf), and always be willing to do this "work".

Hugs. Maybe he's not the one for you. Maybe he is, but you both need some tweaking. Who knows. Only you and him know what you're willing to try, or not try.

~pineapple_girl