Love Triangle

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Love Triangle
7
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 5:37pm
I am 22 years old and I have a 16 month old daughter. Her father was my first, the only man I have ever been in love with. We had a pretty decent relationship but we broke up last summer. From the time we were together, even after we broke up, we were always close. Well, about 3 months ago, I found out that he was having an affair with one of my friends who is married. I have known her my whole life, we were pretty close, I even used to talk to her about him and she would tell me he was no good and I could do better. So when this happened it just devastated me. I realized that she was pretending to be my friend to get closer to him, that I wasn't over him like I thought I was, and the thought of him with her made me sick to my stomach. I tried to let it go and move on but I couldn't.I cried all the time, couldn't eat, didn't want to talk to anybody, just depressed! I told him how I felt and that I didn't want him with her. He told me that he realized he felt the same way and he wants to give us another chance. Now that I have what I thought I wanted, I'm not sure he's right for me. I also feel like if he and I were meant to be, we could have made it work while we were together the first time or while we were friends, we would have let it be more. But at the same time, I feel like if I don't give him another chance, I will always wonder what could have been. I am afraid to make a decision either way. The only thing I know for sure is I cannot handle him being with "her". Does anyone out there have any suggestions or thoughts on this because I am lost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: idolphin24
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 6:32pm

Before making any desicions as to "getting back together" OR "moving on for good" I'd think about the reasons why you two broke up. Was it that he was cheating on you OR else? That's not clear in your post.

I'd think that given his actions, of having an affair with a married woman, this man is not the type of person that is honest and likes to have a respectful relationship. He had an affair with a married woman, your friend, behind your back. Do you really think that he's changed?

If you want to find out if you can make it work the second time go ahead, but by this man's actions it might not work. Unless he is a changed man that is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: idolphin24
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 10:23am
The reason we broke up was because he didn't like that I had male friends that I was close to, specifically one that I used to want to be with. He saw that this person had called me one day and he thought I was cheating on him with him. So he broke up with me. He was a little jealous and possesive. It bothered me a lot at the time so when he tried to hook up again like a week after we broke up, I said no. But I think I could adjust to it now. I was told by a couple of my friends that if we had been apart for almost a year when he did this with my so-called friend, I should be able to move on easily. My guess is he has such a tight hold on my heart because he was my first in the most important areas. I kinda confuse myself. When I tell him I want to be with him, after that I ask myself "what is wrong with you? You don't really want him" But if I say "I don't think we can work" I ask myself "What are you doing?! Why are you letting him get away?" What does that mean? I feel so dumb sometimes
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: idolphin24
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 4:31pm
Having a controlling, dominating, possessive and jealous BF is never a good sign. He could have been your first in many areas BUT he doesn't own you. Noone can forbid another person of doing something, normal people talk about it and reach an agreement. The fact that you're indesive could be due to NOT feeling that he's right for you. I'd ask the questions of is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is he giving me what I want? Do I feel happy and fulfilled in this relationship? What makes you think that he's changed his way, regarding the event with your "so call friend?". What makes you think that he's not going to do it again? There are many red flags that you're overlooking. It's possible that you feel that if you let go of him, you'll never find someone who'll love you. OR maybe he's a secure BF, even though he's not the man you want. Think about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
In reply to: idolphin24
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 9:36pm

Hello! I just want to let you know that I was once in a very similar situation as you. I'm 24 and my daughter will be 2 in Sept. I was with her father off and on for almost five years before I got pregnant. We were "off and on" because he was very jealous. He got upset about me having guy friends, getting dressed up to go out (even if he was with me!!), and used to accuse me of flirting with guys when I was just being sociable. I would get upset when he was the worst and we'd break it off, and then we'd get back together when he would promise to change. He never changed.

We officially broke up a month after my daughter was born. I was not going to subject her to that sort of mental abuse. I wanted/want her to learn what a healthy relationship consists of and I knew her father and I did not have one. When my daughter was 10 months old, I found out at a court appointment for child support that my ex had a child he never told me about. I didn't know the mother, but found out their son was born four months before my daughter. I was devastated even though we had been broken up for over eight months. Not only did he cheat on me and impregnate another woman, but he never had the decency to tell me about it.

For a long time I didn't trust anyone. I truly thought he and I were meant to be together. He was also my first of many things. I indulged myself into anything that would help to take my mind off him. Joined a gym, went out with my friends, got into scrapbooking, spent tons of time with my daughter...etc. Even now it hurts though. The pain will never go away. And, it doesn't make matters better that he still contacts me hoping we can work things out.

However, in time I realized I could do better. Why settle for less than you are willing to give? I read a book called "All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise." I know, it sounds corny, but it is a wonderful book to read when trying to find a good, quality relationship. It helped my self esteem and outlook on relationships tremendously.

I have been able to put the past behind me and move on. The most important thing to me right now is my daughter. As I'm sure yours is to you too. I'm not sure what involvment your ex has with your daughter, but I do believe that it is important to seperate the relationship you have with him from the one he has with his daughter. Mixing the two will only cause your daughter pain.

Right now, in some ways I do hope that my ex will change, but I do not see that happening. Keep your doors open. Date other men and write down qualities that you want in a relationship. Slow down. Don't rush into anything...with your ex or anyone else. Have them prove themselves they deserve to be with you. Why wouldn't you be worth it? Don't you want your daughter to have a strong role model? I tell myself this everytime I'm making a decision. If you wouldn't want your daughter to be in a jealous, distrusting, hurtful relationship why would you want yourself to be in one? Set an example. If you don't feel like he's right for you, then he's not. You're not letting a "good one" go. You're building a stroger foundation for a stronger relationship that will come in time.

It hurts sometimes, believe me, I know, but just remember to be strong, for yourself and for your daughter.

Good luck and write back with any more questions!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
In reply to: idolphin24
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 12:43pm
Thanks I appreciate your response. I have been battling myself for a while now and I was soo stressed out that I was to the point where I'd rather be dead than feel how I feel. That scared me. I have a daughter who needs me so why would I let myself feel that way? So I called a couple of my friends that I had pushed away and basically cried for help. They're a little older than me, late 20's early 30's. We met at one of their houses, they sat me down,three of them, and talked to me for 2 1/2 hours. To my suprise they had been in VERY similar situations and knew first hand exactly how I feel. Like you, they told me that I should not settle for someone who I am not utterly happy with. If I feel low now, I'll continue to feel low with him. I need to let go. Then they told me what they did to get out of the rut. Now I am working on putting their advice into action. This was Sunday night that I talked to them so I have a little ways to go but I am trying my best to just do one day at a time not talking to him, not wondering what he's doing, not trying to predict the future. This is my time to focus on me. Hopefully I will come through successful.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: idolphin24
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 1:35pm

I'll say this first - the man is your child's father - that is tantamount to making it work. If he is willing to make a go of it, so should you. Your concerns are based on your vascillating feelings for this man mixed with an curiosity about what else might be out there. You have to make a mature decision based on what is best for your future and especially your daughter's future.

Let me ask you. Does this man treat you and your daughter well? Does he take care of you and help pay the bills? Does he have a job? If you answered yes to these questions, he's got points in the "keeper" bucket. Is he a drug or alcohol abuser? Is he in and out of jail regularly? Does he stay out nights? If you answered no, then add more points to the "keeper" bucket.

In other words, if you have a decent man, especially one whom you share a child with already, you need to stop the wondering and start rebuilding this relationship. You had a rough start, but put things back together and make your family work.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
In reply to: idolphin24
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 1:17pm

Here's my two pesos:

He cheated on you.
He cheated on you with one of your "good" friends (blech).
He cheated on you with one of your "good" friends who was also MARRIED.

Now since he's already cheated on you outside the bonds of holy matimony with a woman who IS married, what makes you think he's going to remain faithful to you if you reconciled? Please...this man wouldn't know faithful if it kissed him on the lips and then slapped him upside the head. Creepin' with anyone else, but esp. a married woman is just too nasty in my book.

Think of it this way: to cheat on you with her means that he doesn't respect you, doesn't respect her husband, doesn't respect their marital union, doesn't respect her or himself...

Let her have him. Chances are, it will only be a matter of time before he'll turn around and cheat on her too. You have enough on your plate with a child to raise than to be worrying about whether or not your man is creeping again with another female.

Move on.

All the best,
Heymum




Edited 7/27/2005 1:18 pm ET ET by heymum