Should I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Should I?
3
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 3:49pm

A few months ago I met someone and we started to talk. Although we never officially sat down and asked eachother, "Do you want to be exclusive?" whenever someone would ask at school we often said that we were 'talking.' I'm sure that many of you are familar with the phrase.

Anyway, everyday at school we would talk, hang out after classes together, and even take a few trips off of campus together. We held hands and we kissed in various locations around school. He would call me when he left for work, at work, and usually some time after he got off of work. I've even visited him a few times at work.

We've been out of school for a month now. Since we've been out of school, we've still managed to visit eachother. He has been to my house a few times to pick me up (20 miles or so outside of the city)and we've gone back to his place to hang out, watch movies, ride around town, or walk around the local lake.

Our last date was July 2nd and we went to see War of the Worlds (12:15 a.m. , so technically early Sunday morning) and afterwards we went back to his place and I made it back home before 7 a.m. Since then I've seen him a few times in between. On July 16th he was in a car accident and I was one of the first people that he called. The Tuesday following his accident I went by his place and that Thursday (21 st)I went by his place to help him run some errands because his radiator pipe had busted the previous day.

He enjoys my company and I enjoy his. Although we never sat down and had the "I want to be exclusive" talk it's something that I want to have. I've never truly been in a relationship before, but I find that this is something that I want with him. I once left him a voicemail message on his phone saying as much, but it wasn't something that we ever really discussed. Instead, he often played the message because he knew that it would embarass me. Still, the fact and point remains. Neither of us is seeing anyone. I would just like to make this official, but it's not something that I have any experience with. I would appreciate any suggestions that anyone would have.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 5:14pm

It's time to say to him, "I'd like to talk about being exclusive" and talk to him about it. Make sure that he specifically syas that he will not date anyone else, not have sex with anyone else. PERIOD. Be sure he says it though. Because many men will say things like, "you know I'm not seeing anyone else" or "I don't want to see anyone else" or "you're the only one", however, to me, that means nothing. Because many men just say that, and mean it AT THE TIME. I'd even make sure he says it flat out "I am agreeing to be exclusive to you sexually and romantically". Trust me, after hearing my bf say things CLOSE to it (basically the above in quotes), and then have him tell me we're not exclusive or in a serious r;ship, etc, etc, etc. It hurt.

Don't read into anything. Don't read btwn the lines. Make sure he says it.

It's going to be weird and awkward to bring up, but trust me, better to do it now, than not to do it at all. Hugs and good luck.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 7:26am

I agree with pineapple girl.

And may I add, don't be afraid of scaring him off. Odds on, he'll feel the same way as you.

However, if he does scare off at the prospect of settling down with you, then you will know for sure that he had no intentions of staying with you anyway. As they say, every cloud has it's silver lining.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 8:21am

I agree with Pineapple Girl; but, I want to add this, if you feel like you have to get a signed affidavit or something signed in blood from the guy to make sure you can trust he's going to be exclusive, you should move on.

When my fiance and I had "the talk" it went something like this...

Me "So I'm kind of getting the impression lately that you probably wouldn't care for it if I was still seeing other people."

Him "You noticed that, huh?"

Me "Yup, and truthfully, I feel the same way. So, I just have one question for you, are you ready to take this to the next level and be exclusive?"

Him "Yeah, that would be good."

Me "Cool. So we are now officially exclusive."

End of discussion, no big deal, no angst, relatively little stress. Granted I was 32 and talking to a 31 year old when I was having this conversation and that probably helped. But the basic thing is having "the talk" doesn't have to be a big deal. Half the reason guys dread it so much isn't because they don't want to commit or becasue they are secretly looking for a loop hole out of it, it's becasue we girls make such a big deal out of it.

If a guy is going to use a loophole or a technicality to try to get out of making a commitment or to justify messing around, he isn't the guy for you.

So try not to stress about it. He probably isn't. He probably thinks it's kind of cute and endearing that becasue you haven't heard the words your insecure about how commited he is to you.

If I were you I would approach it like this, "I know this may seem kind of silly because I know that we've only being seeing each other, but for my own piece of mind I want to clear something up. We are agreed that we are only going to date and be intimate with each other, right?"

IF he tries to weesle out of saying "Yes" in a direct way, I, personally, would dump him. He's the kind of guy who is looking for a loophole. Maybe it's becasue he genuinely likes you but isn't ready for a commited relationship, maybe it's becasue he's a player. Why he feels the way he does is irrelevant, the fact is you want and need a commitment from him and he isn't willing to give you one.

Don't make the mistake that myself and millions of other women make and have made, of waiting around hoping he'll change his mind, dont' fall for any BS about his "fear of commitment" or stories of other girls that done him wrong. It's all BULL, just walk away.

Personally, I think the chances are pretty good he'll just say "Yes" and giggle at you. But you absolutley owe it to yourself to dig deep for some courage and ask the question.