need advice trust problem asap

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
need advice trust problem asap
6
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 7:58am
have been with someone since March of this year. We have had a rocky relationship so far but I do love him alot. He does not trust me at all because at the beginning of our realtionship he was fighting with me and broke up with me I went out with some friends and then later that evening one of my guy friends that I used to date stopped by. My boyfriend who just broke up with me kept calling my phone and then just stoped by unannounced and saw my guy friend at my house. He got very upset because he did not like this guy and especially because he was at my house even though we were just sitting there doing nothing when he walked in. Actually we were talking about him. We decided to get back together and work on things though. Every since then he think I am sneaky and cheating on him. He wants me to always answer my cell phone when he calls and if I dont he gets very angry and breaks up with me because he is always assuming I am cheating on him or being sneaky. I dont really go out much anymore and I have been trying to gain his trust back but I do not know what else to do. I have been trying to reassure him that I love him and that I do not want anyone else but I just dont know anymore. For the last 3 monthes I have been on eggshells with him with what I say and do. I really hurt him he said and he does not trust me and think I am a liar. Yesterday he came over after I was done work. He left and went to his sisters up the street from my house for dinner and I stayed at home with my son. I figured he would be right back so I did not keep my cell phone near by me. I was doing dishes, took out the trash, took some beach stuff I had outside and put it in the garage, got my son ready for bed then I went into the extra bedroom to watch tv. He came back an hour or two later and came upstairs asking why I did not answer my phone. I honostly did not hear it ringing he must have called while I was out side putting the trash out. I sayed no u did not I went down stair and saw he called. I asked why did he not call the house phone he said he did I looked and he did. I told him what I was doing (outside with trash and beach stuff) and he did not believe me. He told me I was lying and I must have been on the phone with someone or do something that I should not have been doing. He kept saying for me just to tell him what i was doing n he would not be mad and he would stay. I told him that I was not lying and that I have been stressed out about work, home, and everything with him lately. He told me he was leaving and until I was ready to tell him what I was really doing we are broken up. He left and we talked to about 2:30 in the morning and all he kept saying was that I am lying and to just tell him the truth about things. What do I do. I love him so much and do not want to lose him but I dont know what to do. He has no trust in me. He is with me everynite(stays overnite) and when I am off work. What do I say to him? I dont know what he wants to hear from me or wants me to say. What do I do? Should I make something up? What do I do? How do I get his trust bavk?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:19pm

Without trust, there can be no relationship.

No matter how much you love him, your love cannot compensate for his lack of trust in you. He sounds like he has some serious trust issues, and I don't think making something up just to satisfy his doubts will improve matters. It will only make them worse, making him even more accusatory and doubtful of you and your integrity.

And another thing -- having to keep the phone near you at all times just so you can answer it when he calls sounds very controlling and suffocating to me. His insistence upon badgering you after you told him several times what you were doing when you missed his call, in my book is abusive.

If it were me, I'd call it quits and free myself of the drama.

Sometimes you've gotta know when to say enough is enough.

Good luck,
Heymum

Avatar for swan577
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:35pm

Hi crk21,

Let me start by saying that you are not the problem...he is. This guy is very insecure and controlling and you are letting him succeed at controlling you. You have been telling him the truth and he contiunes to berate you for "lying" to him. Sweetheart, this is not a healthy relationship. I know that you said that you love him but this is not real love. What is it that you love about him? You can't be in love with the way that he treats you. Surely you deserve so much better than that. You are allowing him to control you by doing whatever he tells you to, such as, answer your phone whenever he calls or else he's going to break up with you. That's a threat honey...not the act of real love.

I was with a guy that sounds very similar to your guy. My ex would just snap off on me for no reason whatsoever. He was literally like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He would start arguments and then turn around and tell me that I was the one who started it. He would try to make me feel like I didn't appreciate him, he would always turn things back around on me when it was really him the whole time. Let me tell you, that relationship was short-lived. I knew that I deserved better but if I had low self-esteem, he would have succeeded at controlling me. If I had low self-esteem, I would have thought that kind of relationship was normal and that I was the problem.

Let me tell you this, when someone loves you, they will not accuse you of such things. They will not constantly berate you and try to control you. Your boyfriend has a serious problem and it has nothing to do with you. My advice, leave the nutcase (oops, that's what I called my ex b/c he really was although he appeared normal in the beginning). Things will only get worse (I know they did for me). You deserve so much better. You deserve a chance at real love and your son deserves better than to be exposed to a guy that doesn't trust or knows how to treat his mom like the queen that she is. (smile)

Best of luck.

-Swan

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:36pm

YOu can't do anything to make him trust you. HE has to CHOOSE to trust you or not. 4 months is a long time, and he should have SOME trust for you, at least have gained a bit back. But the fact remains, he doesn't trust you at all, he breaks up with you cuz he's insecure, and he's basically controlling you.

That's not a r'ship. I'm sorry to say, but you have 3 choices. 1. Tell him he needs to learn to trust you, because there's nothign more you can do to show him you're trustworthy, that has to also come from him too. And hope he's willing to give you more trust, and not be childish and break up with you when he's feeling insecure. 2. Break up with him because this may never get any better, or 3. Live your life always being scrutinized, alwasy being controlled, always being watched.

Hugs. Good luck.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 4:07pm

yes, i don't think this is going to get any better.
with such a person, one can forget about living a life!! u will be in a jail cell constantly having to explain urself over the pettiest of things!

u can do without all this DRAMA.

how can u focus on other important areas of ur life, if all ur thinking about and working hard at is NOT to make him doubt you. not at all the way it should be like.

the right relationship supports us with problems. it doesn't become "another problem area" to fight with.

and keep it in mind, that NOT everybody who we "love" is the right one, or is meant for us. the heart can be silly.....so always use ur mind too when it comes to making such decisions.

if it isn't working out despite ur efforts, it just isn't.

when u really experience what a trusting relationship is like, you'd be wondering why u wasted so much time, energy and emotions on this guy.

life is short.
no one has to spend it like this.

put ur foot down and tell him u have had enough, that this is not healthy, that it's taking your peace of mind away, and that you don't have the energy nor the inclination to keep having to explain yourself. that's it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 6:02pm

What should you do? Leave him immediately.

Oh Hon, why is it even remotely OK with you that he should treat you this way? There are so many red flags with the way he treats you that I don't even know where to begin.

What is this jealousy about you being with another man? Your boyfriend had broken up with you at the time!!! And as such, what you did is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. Even if you had been swinging from the ceiling with this other boy, it is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. He has absolutely no right to be angry with you if he had broken up with you. Why do you let him hold this over you?

If you truly love this man, you need to get some professional help for yourself. Not to fix the relationship - but to help you figure out why you would settle for so little. I can only imagine that your self worth is at rock bottom.....and by the time he's done with you it will be underground.

You are worth way more than this. Leave him and do some individual counselling to boost your self esteem.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 8:00am

Yeah, what they said.

This guy isn't good for you. The relationship is unhealthy and it's you that should be saying, "Until you get help and adress your trust issues it's over." not him saying you can't get back together unless you lie to him.

Which by the way is exactly what he's doing. He's telling you to lie to him and conform to the twisted inaccurate image he has of you or he wont love you any more. Unless you prove he's right about you by lying to him and saying you were doing something wrong he wont love you any more.

He doesn't care about you or love you. All he cares about is forcing you to match his image of you so he can be right and then through it back in your face.

Been there, dated him. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Bail.