What do you women think about this?
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| Thu, 07-28-2005 - 12:56pm |
Ok I want everybody's honest opinion here. I've been dating this girl Sarah fairly seriously off and on for a couple years (we've been on now for a month since she had moved back from living for 9 months on the west coast), and things are going pretty well. We had a party at a mutual friend's house last weekend, and I asked her if she was going, she said she was. I asked if she wanted to go together, and she wanted to know when I was going to go. I told her around the same time she was. Then she asked how long I intended to stay, I said 7 or 8PM, she said she might want to leave earlier than that, so she decided to go alone she said. I offered to adjust the time for her so that we could leave the party together, but she resisted and really sounded like she wanted to go alone, so I let her.
So I went to the party, and was having a great time on this guy's boat. As I'm coming to shore, I see that she arrived, and was talking with some guys (one of them named Steve) on the pool deck. As I went to my car to get my dry clothes I noticed I didn't see her car in the driveway, since she said she was going alone. So later when I was coming out of the bathroom from changing I saw her there and said, "Hey I didn't see your car in the driveway." She said, "Oh I got a ride from Steve. He lives a few miles down the road from here and I thought we'd carpool." I thought, "why would it matter that HE lives nearby when SHE still lives 30 minutes away? She would still have to drive to his place." So I sarcastically said, "Good for Steve" and went back to put my wet clothes in my car. When I came back Steve was right next to her, like a puppydog following his mother. I knew they were probably just friends, and I didn't feel threatened by him, just hurt that she said she didn't want to ride with me, and then shows up with somebody else. Why couldn't she have told me before that she wanted to go with somebody else? Why hide it? The few minutes that Steve wasn't right by her side I was able to talk with her for a little while, but then he was right back next to her. I would've gone up and talked with her more during the party, but Steve was next to her almost the entire time, and I didn't want to cause tension or make a scene, as he clearly felt threatened by my talking to her.
Not long after that I was down stairs watching the big screen with some friends, and she walks in with him right behind of course (she's leading this poor guy on, cuz I honestly don't think this guy has much of a chance), and she lies down on the couch. Well Steve comes over, lifts her feet up and sits down and puts her feet in his lap and starts rubbing her feet. She didn't stop him or anything, so that's when I thought, "she's trying to make me jealous, but I'm not going to respond to it and get Steve riled up about it and make a scene", so after awhile I got up and went and talked with some other friends. I actually was having a pretty good time getting to know other people.
Near the end of the night I had tucked myself away in a corner of the house with about 6 other friends, and I was talking with this new girl. I never touched her or anything, not even once, but I was trying to get to know her as she was visiting for 2 months from out of town and about to go home in a few days; finding out what she does, where she's from etc, when Sarah comes up and sits down in a chair behind me with her poor sucker in tow still. (I was thinking, "Will this guy ever leave her side? Isn't that annoying for her?") Well, I still didn't want to respond to her coming to this party with somebody else, or the fact that they were hanging out all night together (friends or not). So I kept talking to this new girl, when out of the blue I get a text message on my phone from Sarah saying, "Just so you know, you acted like a real ass tonight if you want to do anything about it." I couldn't believe my eyes. So I looked around and saw that both Sarah and Steve had left, she must be texting me from his car on her way home.
So I'm in shock that she was upset at me, when I felt I should be the on upset if anybody. She was the one who came with somebody else (and didn't tell me) after I offered to take her 3 times. She was the one with this other guy all night. She was the one who just left with this other guy. I was just mingling and trying to enjoy myself, she wasn't the only reason I came. I had a lot of friends there and was talking to all of them.
I asked Sarah why she thought I was an ass, and she said, "Com'on you were flirting with all those girls all night right in front of me." I thought, "I wasn't trying to do anything in front of you. In fact, I was watching TV with friends when she came in the room with Steve. I was the one that went to the other side of the house with some friends when she came in the room with him again. I never entered a room all night that she was in, in fact I kept going to the other side of the house if I could."
I wanted to let her have fun with Steve (whether they were just friends or not) since that's what she seemed to want. You can't change a girl's behavior, she's gonna do what she's gonna do, so why try and make a big deal about it. If she wanted to be with me, she could walk over anytime. She's the one that came AND left with somebody else. I came and left alone. She claims that Steve and her are just friends, and I believe her. However I was talking with "just friends" the whole time too. She's making such a big deal about it, when I really don't feel I did anything wrong. If anybody did something wrong I thought it was her. I mean what did she want me to do? Should I have walked up to her and Steve and start having a verbal fight with this guy and make the situation worse? Did she want me to get all jealous and throw a spat? Steve was clearly insecure about her leaving him since he was glued to her all night, so it would've gotten ugly had I tried to pry her out of his hands. I think fighting is lame, so I figured Sarah and I would talk later, no big deal. However she kept texting me that night saying I was insecure not coming up and talking to her more, and it was disrespectful and immature to flirt with other girls "right in front of her" when I was never trying to flirt with anyone. I don't play games. I'm 27, I have no need to. I was just having fun at the party minding my own business. I will admit I didn't mind that she happened to come into the room when I was talking with another girl. It let her know that I wasn't worried about her and Steve, and that if she wants to play games I'm not interested.
I could be totally wrong here, but my guess is that she wanted me to stake my claim by coming up and spending the evening with her with or without Steve right there, and then taking her home, but isn't that just a dumb game? That was my feeling all night sort of, but I'm not going to respond to games and tests. I won't jump through silly hoops. Why can't we act like adults, this isn't high school or even college anymore. I've told this woman I really like her several times (everyday pretty much). Again I'm not sure if I'm right about this, but if I am I think this whole thing was very silly. Sorry, I just don't date like that. I'm not 19 anymore.
I know it really doesn't matter who's at fault, as I am completely willing to look past this pointless arguement, but is this MY fault? Should I have tried to talk to Sarah more with Steve right there? I know he would've tried to start some kind of arguement with some sly comment, so I thought I'd leave the situation be. Is this her trying to make me jealous? Is this both of our faults? Is it something else? What should I do in the future if something like this happens again? Thank you for your thoughts.

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MFG,
Are you sure that you and Sarah are "back on"? How can she be your girl, go to the same party as you, but show up, spend time with and leave with another guy?
This makes absolutely no sense to me.
Her TM to you sounds childish. From what you've described, she's clearly playing games with you and acting as though she's still in high school.
So no, you're not at fault. Forget about Sarah and go have fun with a woman who's closer to your own age and level of maturity.
Heymum
I believe you just posted to another guy about immature women. Well, I hate to say it, but Sarah was being immature. I mean, to SAY you were flirting, which you could've been, but IMHO, the fact that she lied on the couch, Steve sat down and rubbed her feet and she fully was okay with it, was more than flirting. She arrived with a man, obviously wasn't into him, but he was into her, and left with him. That says a lot. Especially since she didn't want to show with you.
Maybe she felt if she took that guy, you could see she was desireable, and you'd claim your prize, unfortunately for her, yu're not that type.
MY two cents. Move on. She's not ready for a serious r'ship. If anything, a mature woman would've called you and DISCUSSED WHY she felt you were being an ASS. Honestly, I don't think she had ANY reason to text you what she did. That was flat out rude.
You asked her to join you. She declined. You had fun, she didn't cuz she was hoping you'd lay claim to her. Not my cup of tea either.
~pineapple_girl
I think she acted like a jerk, regardless of "why" she did it. If she was trying to test you, that's totally immature, and if she was just doing it for no particular reason, then she's totally inconsiderate.
Do you really want to be with someone who would behave like that?
Sheri
I agree...move on from her.
hmmm. half of me agrees with what the other posters are saying, but i will tell you the first thing that occurred to me when i read your post: Sarah wants exclusive GF/BF status and is waiting for you to bring it up. that whole process of going from dating to relationship can be really frustrating - makes some women do stupid things, because they don't want to be the one to bring it up directly.
if that's what's going on (which you would need to determine by flat-out asking her) then maybe her behavior is forgivable... just a thought. it's up to you.
Oh, I forgot to mention earlier that she got out of a rocky relationship about 4 months ago, and maybe she's feeling the effects of that still? Maybe she needs time and space and I should back off. I'm willing to be there and support her or slow down too. I just want both of us to be happy whether that's together or apart. Of course I'd rather it be together. The funny thing is that if she would stop over reacting to things and just openly discuss things with me I would definately consider an exclusive relationship. Just not if it's going to be like this. I won't stand for an emotional roller coaster-type relationship.
I suppose it's possible, but if that's her reasoning, then that's pretty messed up!
So, what are you going to do? Are you going to talk to her about stopping with the game-playing?
Sheri
Edited 7/29/2005 1:38 am ET ET by northwestwanderer
It's clear that you and her have had issues in the past. you mentioned that you've been dating on and off for a couple of years. I wonder how many "offs" and the reasons for them. By the way you posted this message, it appears that you were "off" and not communicating very well. It's possible that she'd felt resentful for a long time and that's why she didn't want to come to the party with you. In addition, seh possibly knew that Steve is harmless and that's why she let him follw her like a puppy, Steve is clearly into her. IMO, she acted like an ass just like you did. She wanted to make yoiu jealous for some reason and you got the message. You ddin't want to to feel hurt so you went and had fun with your buddies and then got into talking to this new gilr. You GF, seeing your behavior took it like "you wanted to make her jealous", just like you thought of her behavior. It's like a game between you two. There is no respect or communication.
In this situation, noone won. She thinks you acted like an ass and you think she was the one who acted wrong.
Intead of analyzing who dod waht and such, I'd analyze my relationship. It appears that you're together just for the sake of being together and have fun, but not for the right reasons, such as repsect for each other, common goals, responsability and honesty and the desire to work toward a common goal in life.
My two cents
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