Dont want to screw a good thing up
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| Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:49pm |
I will start-off with some background: I am female, 28 ; he is 37 - neither of us have been married or have kids. We have been dating about 3 weeks. From the beginning we definitely had chemistry. I am very picky, and have dated alot in my time, so I know when something is great. We have tons in common (so much its even kinda weird), he is kind, affectionate, fun, intelligent, outgoing, good looking, athletic.
He is a romantic, a "touchy feely" affectionate type guy. He is very active, "on the go" type guy. After our first date he asked "so when are we going to see each other next...tomorrow?" (with a smile) He unfortunately had to go away for 3 weeks, but its only an hour drive from were we live. He asks me to always visit on the weekends, and he calls me at least once a day. He asks me if I miss him, he misses me, etc (I have already visited him once) He's always complementing me, telling me how great I look, etc.
He obviously is old enough to not play games and such. From the beginning he asked if I ever wanted to get married, have kids, etc. He said he loves kids and wants to have them after he gets married. He hasnt been with a woman in about 8-9 months. He has introduced me to some of his buddies, and I heard him on the phone with his parents (he knew I could hear him) - he said he was with a friend and he couldn't talk long - then said "yes, she's here - here with me".
I guess my point to all of this is: we havent had sex yet. And since its been about 4 months since I've been with a man, and its been longer for him -- we're both very ready (if you know what I mean). HOWEVER, I do NOT want to destroy this relationship or go down the wrong path. I really want this to turn into something spectacular and long-term, if it heads that way. But I certainly don't want to demolish a good thing before it gets started. I know most of the articles we all read have a "rule of thumb" of about a month of getting to know each other outside of the bedroom before you have sex. I agree with that. But not only is he always heavily coming onto me, but the conversations keep somehow ending with flirts and/or blunt statements of lust and sex (mostly by him - not that I mind, it just seems a bit soon). I can't necessarily blame him for the sexual come-ons, but is it a bit odd for a man of his age to be talking like that so soon?
We are going to be seeing each other this weekend. That's a good thing, but I'm not sure if we should get to know each other at least a bit more before we do this or not. I mean, I don't even know some "little" stuff about him (and him of me).... (have a crash-course on each other, then let 'er rip! haha)
What do I do? Some people have sex soon and some dont - and some end up in marriage after that.... But how do you know if this is THAT relationship or that type of man that will be mature and not let this be a sex-based relationship? Thanks!

How do you really know this is a "good thing"?
You've only been dating him for 3 weeks. Not a very long time in my book.
He's told you he hasn't been with a woman in 8 or 9 months, yet you say your convos with him keep swirling around blunt statements of lust and sex on his part. And you really think he hasn't been with a woman in 8 or 9 months?
Ok, here's what I think you should do:
Hold off on having sex with him. Make him wait.
I've heard it said that deep down, guys really only respect women who make them wait. Those are the women they're looking to build a future with when it comes time to quit playing the field and find a good woman to marry. If he's only in the mode of "playing the field," and you hold off on sex, he'll buzz off. That will let you know his motives were suspect and he wasn't really in it to be with you (only to get with you -- and trust me, there *is* a difference).
You're 28, so that says to me you should already have a list of important qualities and characteristics that you're looking for in a good man to spend your life with. How does he compare so far to that list? In other words, do you have on the list: MUST TALK ABOUT SEX A LOT AND EARLY ON AFTER MEETING EACH OTHER. If not, then I'd say that's a strike against him.
How's his credit? He's 37, so that says to me he should have a substantial credit report out there somewhere, good or bad. True, you can't run it yourself, but check out how he pays his bills. Is he possibly robbing "Peter to pay Paul?" Over time, guys will usually let slip if they were late paying a bill or if they're being harassed by utility companies or other creditors.
How's his place? Is he a slob or possibly a neatfreak?
There's so much that you need to find out about this guy before you can rightfully start thinking about hopping in bed with him. Before you "go there" with him, I think you should have a talk with him and ask some hard questions: what would the next course of action be if you became pregnant? Some guys abandon women as soon as a baby comes into the mix.
No nooky. It's too soon.
All the best,
Heymum
Thank you for your indepth reply.
His place is neat, and he pays his bills. He has been a nurse for a long time, so he gets paid good. He takes care of himself. He has already told me some "pros" and "cons" about his past (and his present). I am fine so far with what I know.... I know I'm not selling myself short.
I dont mind the flirting and talking about sex, but there is a line when it becomes too much. I cant blame him, it has been a long time, he has needs/hormones...I can understand that. I too am VERY attracted to him and want to have sex this very second too. But, I'm trying to do what is right in the long-run. I know he's not looking for a purely sexual relationship, he just makes it seem like that.
I hear what youre saying about the respect thing, I agree. But there is also a "line" I've heard where if you make a man wait TOO long, then he becomes disinterested and thinks youre a "prude". Men want to know if youre adventurous and such. Hmm, I guess I just need to have a non-chelant coversation with him about holding off on sex, getting to know each other, doing the right thing, whatever....?
You're quite welcome...
Hmm ok, I know what you mean about some men thinking a woman is prudish if she makes them wait too long for sex. Truthfully, I think it really boils down to one's values, standards and beliefs. When those conflict, then there's bound to be a disagreement as to how long to wait, etc.
I'm glad a number of things have checked out for you and that you seem to be approaching this with a clear mind. Since you say he only makes it seem like he's looking for a purely sexual relationship, I think you'd be very wise to pay more attention to his behavior and actions than what he actually says.
All the best,
Heymum
My two cents. Talk to him about sex. About exclusivity. I mean, what if you have sex, and a few weeks later, you find out he's been having sex with a few other women? But, you can't complain cuz you never agreed to exclusivity, instead you just assumed.
What if he has sex with you, and that's all it becomes? well, then you'll know that it's mostly physical btwn you two, nothing more, and you can move on.
I would talk to him, about sex, excluvity, at least to being monogamous, about getting tested PRIOR to having sex, etc. I would talk to him about pregnancy. What if you get pregnant (good point heymum), will you keep it, will he demand you keep it, what if you abort it and he doesn't believe in that? Etc, etc, etc.
And then, I'd go ahead and have sex with the guy. And then, for the first month, it'll be nothing but sex, but after that first month, you can start to slow it down, instead of "staying in" all the time, you go out again, get to know one another, instead of talking about sex. You have to basically learn how to put a stop to all the sex sex sex thoughts and remember to get to tknow the guy, on the inside. Not the outside.
Jsut cuz it becomes sexual, doesn't mean it has to be the end all.
(and we can hope that's not all he wants).
~pineapple_girl
ok, he sounds great but just a minor reality check... have you talked yet about why he's never been married? if you look at the total population of 37 year olds who've never been married, I would break them down as follows:
20% confirmed bachelors
20% workaholics
20% emotionally stunted or baggage-ridden
20% married/recently separated and LYING
20% great guys who've been incredibly unlucky in love
that's just my sense. the odds are against you. i've never actually dated a 37 yo though, so what do i know... i do worry a tiny bit that he might be in the married category - especially because he's having you drive out of town to meet him on weekends only. sounds a little "scott peterson"-ish. on the other hand, he introduced you to some friends and that's a good sign.
so all that being said, i think you're wise to wait a little longer on the sex. just tell him you want to go slow because you think the relationship has potential. it sounds like he's mature and a good communicator, so that should be fine, right? if it's not fine, then something's wrong.
I agree with what youre saying, and I thank you! I guess we just need to have a little talk about sex, truth on the table. However, I dont want to make it into this "big talk" to where I am seeming like I want a committment right away. That might scare him, while we're at the stage of "getting to know" and "having fun".
Some people (even some guys) feel that sex is apart of getting to know someone youre interested in, and that it even enhances your relationship to become more intimate. Now this depends on the guy (or girl)....
He is not married because he's been in his fair-share of long-term relationships (probably held on too long), but didn't want to marry the wrong one. I think that's a good quality, especially now days when people jump into marriage, and then get divorced. I know I havent been married yet because I keep finding "toads", and unfortunately I dated these "toads" for longer than I should've, thus years going by.... I have definitely come to grips and I definitely know what I want in a man to marry.
I have been to his place, he definitely lives alone (no wife or anything weird or sneaky). The reason we meet out-of-town is because he is currently and temporarily living out-of-town, he'll be back in 2 weeks.
Hello Heymum and ITA w/you. I believe that you're fairly new here as am I. But, I've read your responses to a lot of posters - and IMO you are fierce (in a good way). I will make this brief, keep up the good work!
P.S. - to the OP, please take Heymum's advice - I couldn't have said it better myself. Take care and God Bless you.
Coming from a guy's perspective, I respect a woman that doesn't allow sex early. If I were you I would hold off as long as you can. There are so many things you both can still get to know about each other before sex. Sex is not that important until you both really know each other. Plus it will be better once you do know each other because you'll both be more comfortable with each other.
Remember this, if having sex with him was the right thing for you two right now, you wouldn't be asking this question to all of us. I think you know what you should (or should not) do. Good luck.