Am I donig the right thing?
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| Mon, 08-01-2005 - 2:11pm |
Hi.
I am a lurker around here quite often, but have a situation i decided to post about. Hope thats ok. Sorry if it gets a little long.
I have been dating my bofriend for a year. Things were going great. He told me he loved me about 7 months into the relationship and I felt the same way back. About a weekago, I found out he had been talking on-line with an ex-girlfriend (or really an ex-friend with benefits). The talk I found out about was about what they used to do physically together. I confronted him about it and he said it had only started two weeks ago and it was just talking on-line, that's it. He doesnt know why he was doing it, but he was very sorry, that he loves me very much, has never been happier in a relationship and doesn't want to lose me. But he understands that he screwed up and broke my trust and needs to work to get it back again. So I agreed that I didn't want to loose him either and I wanted to try to work it out.
This past weekend, I went to visit a firnd and he went to his parnets house and hung out with some old friends. I was a little nervous about the weekend apart, but thought it was a good test of my being able to trust him again. Well, I was fine until yesterday. We tlaked several times over the weekend and I was confidnet in what he was doing and in our relationship. Yesterday I spoke to him in the mroning and then called him later on in the day (as he told me to) and he didn't call me back for 3 hours. Normally he calls back right away. So of course I think the worst and start freaking out. When he did call, his explanation made sense. we hung out last night and everything was great.
The problem and question is that I feel myself questioning everyhting he says and does. How do i not do this? How do I believe him and move on? He says he is williong to do whatever it takes to get back to where we were, but how do I know he means it? He seems sincere when he says it, but I don't want to get hurt. But really its too alte for taht anyway. I am trying not to analyze everything he says and does for hidden meaning, but that is easier said than done. I will be away for a week with my family and I am nervous about it.
Any insight or suggestions you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Anna

This is a tough one.
My question to you is, has he ever admitted to cheating in any of his past relationships? History can sometimes be a very good indicator as to what a person will do in the future. If he's admitted to cheating before in other relationships, I'd end it, but that's me. When it comes to infidelity, I tend to take a very hard line, only because I don't want to deal with the doubt, worry and obsessive thoughts that come along with being in a relationship with someone who, on some level, thinks it's okay to cheat. And I surely don't want to deal with the pain of being cheated on again by the same person.
In your case, it went on for two weeks. Would it have gone on longer had you not found out and confronted him?
Think long and hard about whether you think you can get beyond his "indiscretion". Consider your own peace of mind and whether this is something that will eat away at you and feed into your own insecurities. No matter how much you love him, you can't keep him from cheating on you or having inappropriate conversations with other females again.
If the doubt surrounding his lack of integrity and fear that he'll do this again eats away at you too much, I'd end it.
Good luck,
Heymum
Edited 8/1/2005 2:49 pm ET ET by heymum
The problem, as I see it, is that you let him get away with his lame "I don't know why I did that" attitude. Unless and until you get an answer to that, and figure out whether he is willing and able to change the underlying moral or value that allowed him to rationalize what he did, you'll never be able to rest easy and trust him (because he probably WILL do it again).
I would insist on couples counseling to get to the bottom of this issue, and on him living his life as an open book for as long as it takes for you to get back trust.
An excellent book on that process (of regaining trust) is "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward.
Good luck, this is a really tough thing to overcome.
Sheri