he loves me, but i'm still not sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
he loves me, but i'm still not sure
5
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:48pm

there is a guy who is head over heels over me and thinks i am the best thing that ever happened to him
i have become his social life on weekends.
he even asked about the status of our relationship when he interviewed for a job in another state, would i want to to go with him.
my mother met him last weekend and thinks he's wonderful.
my therapist already is talking about what i would need to get ready for marriage

the only problem is is that my heart does not go all aflutter about him
he does not occupy all my thoughts all the time
i don't feel the least bit light headed or when i think about him. i do not want to swoon everytime i see him. in fact, a lot of times, i wish he would wear a different, more stylish shirt.
i started dating him because i did not want to hurt his feelings or make anyone else at work mad at me (we work in the same office and everyone is rooting for our relationship)
despite my slight embarrassment over his choice of clothing--- i do laugh a lot when i am around him and i do like to have my hand held.
i enjoy being kissed, but when we were intimate saturday, i did not go into an orgasmic frenzy.

is there somethin wrong with me?
maybe over time the relationship will grow---
but i just don't have all those strong feelings that they talk about in the songs or on Dr. Ruth.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:52pm

How long have the two of you been together?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:34pm

since april

yes, i enjoy being with him,
i can laugh with him and say funny things, even act a little silly--- i feel like i can be myself
We went to see March of the Pengiins because he knows I like penguins--and I don't thik I ever had a better time at a movie and being able to share it with him (yes, I realize the movie is not what most women would think of as a good date movie)
I know what types of books or dvds i would like to get him for Christmas.
he's sensitive. he's very caring, and nurturing, and opens the door for me and pulls out the chair,.... the kind of qualities a woman would dream about in a man.

I'm 46. he's 49.
but he's not textbook handsome. he's cute in an Ernest Borgnine or Fred Mertz kind of way. He reminds me of that guy on "Frasier" who has the big crush on Roz Doyle. but i like him a lot more that Roz does that guy (i don't think that guy on "Frasier" is all that bad)

He's short, (so am i) but shortness doesn't bother me , though I read that shortness is supposed to be the number one turn-off for women.
I don't think he's bought a new shirt or pair of shoes in ten years. it wasn't until last month that he bought two new pairs of trousers --- and now his shirts clash with his pants sometimes. I bet most women on these message boards wouldn't want to be seen with him.

but am i in love?
I don't know. i don't know what "in love" really feels like. other than what i read about in these message boards.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 12:10am

Well, that's only 3-4 months...to me, that would be on the soon side to love someone. Falling in love, sure, but to me, love takes more time than that to develop, as it involves knowing someone intimately, inside and out.

To me, love is much more a sense of calm and rightness, if you will, than butterflies and the other romantic notions we are fed by the movies.

Are you at least somewhat attracted to him, even if it's not the over the moon type of attraction? If you are, and you enjoy being with him as much as you say, why not continue to give love a chance to develop?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:43am
I was in a relationship like this once--just couldn't match his enthusiasm, even though I had fun spending time with him. There were no sparks. I ended up breaking it off, telling him that "if I had been able to fall in love with you, I would have by now." He tried to convince me that love would grow, but I know now that it has to grow from something, from a spark. Splitting up was definitely the right decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 12:03pm

I'm mixed about this. But, I think more time will help you to tell. All those things you talked about, it's not love, it's lust, it's excitement of a new r'ship, it's what movies, songs, books, etc wants us to believe love should be. Honestly, I bet if movies, songs, etc, showed what REAL love was/is, either our box offices would suffer, or there'd be less divorce.

Also, I think, it depends on how much you need. How much "passion" "chemistry" and "spark" you need.

See, for me, I used to need it a lot. I had that storybook love, but it didn't keep the marriage together. I am with a man, who I do love. Who grew on me (and I joke, like fungi). He wasn't very attractive to me in the beginning, he is short, etc. Granted though, he dresses nicely, but in my opinion, it was over the top (name brands all the way). Remember, over time, you can change the way he dresses. You can help him buy new shirts to match his new slacks. My bf went from silk shirts and shorts/pants and wearing Kenneth Cole slacks and sweaters to wearing Columbia shorts from Sportmart and golf shirts (granted though, they are nicer golf shirts, but still under $100, whereas his OTHER golf shirts were in the $150-$200 range). So, clothing can be adjusted.

But the one thing my bf had that no other man had.........he made me laugh or smile EVERY SINGLE DAY since I have been with him. That's 3 years of at least a smile on my face. We are very compatible. We enjoy everything from going out on the town, to staying in watching tv. We just enjoy spending time together.

But for the first time, I don't NEED to have him near me 24/7 cuz I can't stand to be away from him. I don't have to have him call me all the time, cuz I can't stand to be w/o his voice. I don't NEED to have him reaffirm his love for me 24/7 because i think tha'ts what love is. All those things you listed, I realize, is not love, is not what I NEED. It's what you MAY or MAY NOT have at the beginning of a new r'ship, but it's not what will sustain a LTR.

To me, love is acceptance of the other person. Love is getting enough of what you need to be happy. Love is knowing them fully and being okay (that he may not always match).

The ONLY reason I worry about me and bf, is because of the lack of passion at times. I worry cuz I went from a VERY passionate r'ship, to a no passion r'ship and I also went from 30 years of unhealthy r'ships, and this is my first, AFTER me trying to learn what is healthy, and change myself and what I've always known. So, its not easy to know, is this healthy, or not.

Hugs. You don't need to be sure after such a short period of time. I personally still believe the BEST r'ships are those that are built on solid foundation of friendship, that is sparked later with passion. (not movie passion, but some passion).

~pineapple_girl