Questions about "Space" after a breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Questions about "Space" after a breakup
7
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:26am

Me, and my boyfriend broke up one month before our 2 yr. anniversary. I'm 23, and he's 22. The first year we had no problems, got along great, did everything together,etc... However at the beginning of the second year he started being very weird with me like not calling me as much, or making as much of an effort as before to se me, etc… So basically for the last year it was like this rollercoaster ride of me not feeling like much of a priority in his life.Even his sister, and his mom would tell him to dedicate more time to me or else I was gonna dump him soon! I would talk to him about us breaking up because of this, but would always tell me that he loves me and wants to be with me, etc...And since I was very in love with him I would give him a chance, and he would change for a while, and then he would go back to like before. I was very confused during this time because it wasn’t another girl for sure, and he wasn’t having any meaningful problem in his life that I knew of at the time. On the outside there just seemed to be absolutely no reason for his sudden change.

During the last year of our relationship when things started going downhill he always seemed to be struggling against something inside himself because he really seemed to want to be with me, but it was like something inside of him was preventing him from giving his all to the relationship. My mom told me that maybe he had some personality problems, or depression, or maybe even that he might be in the closet and having an internal struggle against that like a sexual identity crisis. So I got fed up of being on this crazy rollercoaster ride with him and trying to make things work, and broke up with him to which he said he understood that his behaviour towards me would make me wanna break up with him, and that was that.

Two days later he sends me 5 very confusing messages to my cell phone which are:
1)I know this is all completely my fault what is happening between us. Please don't feel
bad.
2)Please forgive me for not giving u all the time u deserve.
3)The truth is that I really care about u a lot, but I feel that I don't love u anymore, and I don't know all the reasons why.
4)The truth is that I feel very immature, and don’t really know what I want in my personal life right now.
4)I love u so much but I don't know what is happening to me. I need help from God I swear.

Then he calls me a week after the breakup saying that how could I just stop calling him, and I said that I couldn't just keep calling him like we were still together. But then he said that I should call him once in a while which just confused me even more. Then he said that we should get together and do something sometime. During the next 2 weeks he sends me messages to my cell phone telling me that he misses me, that he still thinks about me, abd that he doesn’t want our friendship to end. I decided that I had to value myself more, and that him sending me a few text messages instead of calling me or trying to see me was not showing that he really missed me. We are in the same school and it would've been more than easy for him to talk to me or see me.

A few friends have told me the phrase "If u love something let it go, if it comes back then it was always yours to begin with", and that if he's really meant for me he will realize he loves me and do anything to get me back. So I cried many many tears, but remained firm and stopped calling him altogether. It's been 2 months, and instead of getting over him I realize that I want to be with him more than ever because I see that my love for him is still the same. How much time without him showing any signs of wanting to reconcile should pass before I bury all my feelings for him completely, and also bury the hope of ever getting together again. It's not that I'm going to sit day after day pining for him and wondering. I'm going to go on with my life, and do my things, but I would like to know what would be a reasonable timelimit. Some people say that it should be half of the time u were together. We lasted 2 years, so should my timelimit be a year? Also I know that for him to find out if he loves me or not he needs his space. But how big should that “space” be? Does it mean not calling whatsoever and not getting together for a casual event ever? I’m so confused, and still so in love with him right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

sweeteuphoria6...

Pianoguy has a question for you:

Is it possible for you to look at this relationship from the way it ACTUALLY TURNED OUT as opposed to the way you WISH IT WOULD BECOME?

The man you were in love with HAD PERSONAL ISSUES. You (nor anybody else) could solve them...and the longer the problems lasted, the more frustrated you became. So you brought things to a close.

There has been a 2 month period of separation with a sparse amount of communication---and yet...you want to put yourself through all his "wishy-washy/indecisive nonsense" AGAIN?

PLEASE.........stop wasting your tears on this "baby!" If he needs professional help, he should get it! But expecting all his problems to be "miraculously cured" by telephoning him ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN!

This chapter of your life (with him) is over. Now move on and don't look back!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004

It sounds like he doesn't want to commit to someone. That could be what he means by "I'm immature" and "I don't know what I want." Also it takes a lot of guts to tell a girl who assumes you love her that you don't, so I wouldn't take that comment lightly. Loving one person indefinitely must be big and scary for him, something he's not ready to sacrifice himself for. You shouldn't settle for someone who's not willing to settle for you.

Him reaching out to you after the breakup shows he realizes he's lost something big, but if even the stress of those emotions doesn't make him cave in to going out of his way (something other than text messaging) to be with you ... that's not encouraging.

Your friends are right that behavior is a much more important indicator than words. I don't think you should be waiting for him. It sounds like he wants love without promises, half-hearted love, and unless you want that too I'd let him go. As soon as you can. If he matures someday, great, until then you have your mental health and freedom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004

Thank u Pianoguy for your advice, I really appreciate it. You were right about him having personal issues which had nothing to do with me because what guy would tell u that he feels his love for you is gone, and two seconds later say that he loves you so much but doesn't understand what is happening to him, and that he needs help from god!? I forgot to mention in my post that after he sent me those messages I send him a looong email which basically can be summed up in the following points: that i understood that if we weren't meant to be it is for a reason, that me and him were definetely over,that he doesn't have to try and get me back just to make me feel better, but that he could always call and tell me what he was going through and I would try to give him the best advice I could. Since I was very worried about him I even told him in the email that if he didn't want to talk to me about it, he should talk to his mom or somebody because the problem wasn't gonna away if he kept it inside.

He never did call me to tell me what he was going through though which hurt more than the breakup itself. It was like a slap to the face because after 2 yrs. of being together I would expect that he could've confided to me what his problem was. He called me a week later after I sent him the email, but it was to ask me why I hadn't called him, not to
talk to me about his problem. So I basically asked him what was wrong with him, and he said that he wasn't feeling good about himself, then changed the subject quickly. It was also very immature of him to call me to ask me why I hadn't called him....why in the world does he have to wait for me to call him?

Looking back, could it be that maybe I was a little too harsh and definite in the email by saying that me and him were "definetely over",and that's why there has been so little communication between us for the last 2 months? I also never answered his messages that said he missed me. Could it be that he lost hope? However some family members have told me that him losing hope is not the case with him, because when a man really loves u and is after u it doesn't matter if u reject them, because they will try to do the impossible to get u back.

Even in spite of all these problems with him, I am still very in love with him and hope that in the future there is some hope for us. That is after he matures a lot, and resolves his personal issues. But would it be wise to do so if in the future he wants to get back together even if he does resolve his problems? Could it be that he wrongly thinks he doesn't love me because he is very immature, and has personal issues? Is it possible for him to realize that he does after he matures and solves his issues? Maybe that could be it or why would he say "I love u so much but I don't know what's happening to me. I need help from god i swear". Could it be that he's not made such a big effort to see me for the last 2 months because he need time to figure himself out, and not because he doesn't love me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

sweeteuphoria6....

PG honestly thinks you should seek out a man who IS 100% SURE about the type of woman he desires and wants to spend his life with.

Unfortunately...your first problem is building up the courage to "LET THE FORMER B/F GO" and at the same time: "DON'T LOOK BACK!"

If you keep 'harboring' questions about why a man would behave a certain way...and still wish to cling tight to a person who ISN'T GOING TO BE THERE FOR YOU...how can you possibly "move forward" with somebody else?

What you've done in the past (good or bad) can't be changed? You can only learn from your mistakes and (hopefully) NOT REPEAT THEM IN THE FUTURE!

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

Avatar for susananne12874
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003

sweeteuphoria,

You need to get closure. I recommend "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" by Greg Behrendt. (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/068987474X/qid=1123254477/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-9018533-1275330?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) It really helped me get closure when I was confused about why a relationship had ended. Trust me, this book will help you. The chapters that really seem to apply to your situation are:

He's Just Not That Into You If He's...
>Not Asking You Out
>Not Dating You
>Not Having Sex With You
>He Doesn't Want To Marry You
>Breaking Up With You
>Married (and Other Insane Variations of Being Unavailable)
>a Selfish Jerk, a Bully or a Really Big Freak

Now maybe it's just me, but if 7 out of 11 "He's Just Not That Into You If He's..." chapters apply to your situation I think it's safe to say that there is no hope in the future for him. Fortulately, there is also advice on what to do once you're realized that the object of your affection is just not that into you. :-)

~Susan/30/MA

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005

I think #4 on the list is the most accurate.

He is immature. 22 is young!!! 23 is young!!! Don't worry about him, worry about you. Go to the gym, go to school, read everything, every author, see every independant film, travel, pursue your interests, never miss a party

You are only 23 once. Do not make it all about a guy. You will regret it. If it is meant to be it will be.....especially if he sees u doing u.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004


Thank u everyone for all their advice. This place has been really good for me to vent, and I've learned a lot by seeing others in a similar position to mine. Pianoguy says something that is definetely true: My problem is building up the courage to let someone who became such a big part me, and who I loved so much go. It's soooo damn hard, but I have to realize, and accept that it's what I have to do right now. I have to stop wondering "what if I would've done this?", or "what if I would've said that?". I've realized that this is extremely painful, and only sets the healing process backwards instead of forward. I can't be harboring questions about my ex for the rest of my life.

I know he has personal issues, but it's not my job to figure out what they are. I mean, wasn't I supposed to just be his girlfriend, and not his psychiatrist?! I also haaave to stop wondering if there is still a chance for us in the future after he resolves his issues, and sorts out his real feelings towards me. Right now I have to live my life as if I was never going to get back with him again. If we ever get back together in the future it will be something unexpected to me, and not something that I was pondering over or thinking about day after day.

It's been exactly two months today. There have been days where I haven't thought about it much, and there have been other days where I've felt I was going to die. But what gives me strength is that I know I made the right choice in breaking up with him for my own mental health, and his. He's called me 3 times this month, and the conversations were brief and simple like "just called to see how u were doing", etc...He also purposely seeked me out in college the other day, and we talked for like 15 minutes, again about normal things, and so on...He also told me to call him if I needed help with this subject I'm taking that he already took. We were alone in a hallway at college, and there were some silences, and it started getting kind of ackward so I said I had to go, we said goodbye, and that was that. I felt sooo bad that day, because I hadn't seen him in a while and seeing him reminded me how much I missed him and loved him. I really don't know if he's called me and purposely ran into me because he's missed me or whatever, but I'm not going to dwell on it at all. Right now I just have to focus on me, and live my life. And the next time I get into a relationship it will be with someone who is absolutely 100% sure he wants to be with me, and makes me feel supported and loved.