How much is the woman responsible for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
How much is the woman responsible for?
6
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 10:15am

Thanks for listening again ladies. I love to hear your point of view. I think I know most of the answers here, but I really love to see what women think about this. I know it's kind of long, but it would help if you could answer as many as you can.

All of these questions are directed towards that special stage in the dating relationship where you two are still relatively early on in the relationship. You've gotten past the first few dates but you aren't exclusive yet. It's still somewhat casual, but it's getting more serious every week. You like each other, but you still don't know each other too terribly well yet. The word "exclusive" is starting to creap into your head, but you know you aren't there yet. Answer all these questions as if that's where you are in your relationship. (By thy way, is there a name for this dating stage? It's sandwiched between casual dating and exclusive relationship. What do you call that?)

So here's the questions...THANKS!

How much is the woman responsible for when it comes to showing interest in her guy? How much of it falls on the guy? 50/50? More? If more than 50/50 is on the guy, then what is the woman responsible for in this stage of the relationship? (not exclusive yet)

How much does the guy need to initiate getting together with her woman?
How often is it appropriate to call her?
How much should the girl call the guy?
How often is it good to get together each week without either suffocating each other or letting it get too boring and stale?
How many "nice things" should you do for her without coming off needy or whipped, yet still showing her that she's different and special to you? (ie: flowers, or a note, or a burned CD of music?)

I know women love to be persued (if he's not a psycho), so clearly a large chunk of the load (of initiating contact and persuing her) falls on the man. I also am well aware of "the game". I'm not saying be a player here, but just not letting the other see all your cards right away. I know honesty is a huge part of a solid relationship, but if you let the other know your feelings too much too soon you may freighten them away. You've gotta hold back a little right? Do you agree with that idea or not? If so, how much do you hold back?

If the guy is showing his interest clearly and strongly to the woman he's dating, should the woman still hold back a little or tell him how she feels too?

Last question: I know this varies depending on the couple, but how long do you think the two of you should be dating before things get exclusive? How long do most women expect before exclusivity? Don't answer this question as if he's Mr. Perfect (a kinder honest version of Brad Pitt... without the cheating!), answer it like any guy you date; meaning things are going farily well, you have some reservations and concerns, but you still like him a lot.

Thanks ladies! You are all so wonderful! I know there are a lot of jerks out there, but I promise there are a lot of wonderful caring guys out there too! (like me!) I think men and women need to cross the battlefield of the sexes and meet in the middle to have open discussions more often. This message board is great for that. Thanks for your opinions.

I love ya'll!
-Midwestflyguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:20am

Funny enough. I call that stage "dating" or "seeing each other". It's not exclusive, but it's not like you're really dating anyone else either. hehehe.

For myself.

How much is the woman responsible for when it comes to showing interest in her guy?
How much of it falls on the guy? 50/50? More? If more than 50/50 is on the guy, then what is the woman responsible for in this stage of the relationship? (not exclusive yet)

**I feel it should be about 50/50 by this point. Why? Because, I want to know that he's putting in as much as I am, that he's interested as much as I am. If we really are heading towards exclusivity, I don't want him breathing down my neck, and pursuing me anymore. I want it to be more of a partnership. I want it to start heading towards what I'd want the r'ship to be. So. Around 50/50, or 60 man/40 woman.

How much does the guy need to initiate getting together with her woman?
**I would say, as much as he wants. At this point, if he's almost sure he wants to be exclusive, I would hope he'd initiate as much as he wants. Which means, I'd hope he'd want to see me a lot. But, I have no problem asking to get together with him either.

How often is it appropriate to call her?
**This is all dependent on the woman. Before, I felt I had to see my guy at leaset 5 times a week, and he should call a minimum of 3 times a day (morning, noon, evening, night). However, with current bf, sometimes we don't even talk (but we email) all week. At that stage for me, once a day is good, but not HOUR LONG calls.

How much should the girl call the guy?
**I'd prolly call once a day. Just ot say hi, hear his voice. I'd want him to be comfy hearing from me on a daily basis. I'd want him to WANT to hear my voice on a daily basis. cuz then I know he wants somethign more serious.

How often is it good to get together each week without either suffocating each other or letting it get too boring and stale?
**again dependent on the person. Since I have been dating my bf of three years, we have always only seen each other friday night, saturday, and maybe sunday. I was good with this. (with a surprise mid-week visit every so often)

How many "nice things" should you do for her without coming off needy or whipped, yet still showing her that she's different and special to you? (ie: flowers, or a note, or a burned CD of music?)
**however often you want. I prefer the little things in life. a note a day would make me happy. a note every hour to tell me how great i am, overkill. okay, at that stage, a note everyday may be too much. i guess, i'd prefer it sporadic, even if it's every 1-2 weeks. I don't HAVE to have it that much or that little, but just saying, as long as it comes from the heart, for me, it's wanted.

HTH. remember every woman is different. what i described could be suffocating to others, or WAY not enough. that's what i had,and got used to. very little. before, i used to want A LOT.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:33am

My answers are based pretty heavily on my own experience and don't make allowances for super-women who don't play hard to get.

--How much is the woman responsible for when it comes to showing interest in her guy? How much of it falls on the guy? 50/50? More? If more than 50/50 is on the guy, then what is the woman responsible for in this stage of the relationship? (not exclusive yet)--

I know a lot of women only feet comfortable when the guy shows more interest than she does ... as long as the discrepancy isn't too great, maybe 60/40. But ideally I think it should be 50/50.

--How much does the guy need to initiate getting together with the woman?--

I think women still prefer initiating maybe two or less of the first five dates. After that, whatever.

--How often is it appropriate to call her?--

Depending on the chemistry, maybe a few times the first week. And again, after that who cares. Unless it's several times a day.

--How much should the girl call the guy?--

However much she feels like. :) The same amount he calls her.

--How often is it good to get together each week without either suffocating each other or letting it get too boring and stale?--

Totally dependent on distance and phase in the relationship.

--How many "nice things" should you do for her without coming off needy or whipped, yet still showing her that she's different and special to you? (ie: flowers, or a note, or a burned CD of music?)--

The more spontaneous and original it is, the more you can do, in my opinion.

--If the guy is showing his interest clearly and strongly to the woman he's dating, should the woman still hold back a little or tell him how she feels too?--

They should both be totally open. Unless she's disgusted by him, then she should just politely excuse herself. :)

--How long do you think the two of you should be dating before things get exclusive?--

Maybe ten successful dates means you should stop dating someone else at the same time, at two months you should need a damned good excuse for "meeting someone new."

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:35am

My opinions:

How much is the woman responsible for when it comes to showing interest in her guy? How much of it falls on the guy? 50/50? More? If more than 50/50 is on the guy, then what is the woman responsible for in this stage of the relationship? (not exclusive yet)

**The woman shows her interest in the beginning of a relationship (prior to exclusivity) by taking and/or returning the guy's calls and accepting dates with him.

How much does the guy need to initiate getting together with her woman?

**All of the initiation should come from him. If she happens to invite you to something, great, but it shouldn't be expected at this point.

How often is it appropriate to call her?

**Every other day would be about right.

How much should the girl call the guy?

**I don't think she should, other than to return calls.

How often is it good to get together each week without either suffocating each other or letting it get too boring and stale?

**2-3 times a week.

How many "nice things" should you do for her without coming off needy or whipped, yet still showing her that she's different and special to you? (ie: flowers, or a note, or a burned CD of music?)

**Not every date, but wooing is nice--I don't know, every 4-5th time you go out? That would be about right for me.

I know women love to be persued (if he's not a psycho), so clearly a large chunk of the load (of initiating contact and persuing her) falls on the man. I also am well aware of "the game". I'm not saying be a player here, but just not letting the other see all your cards right away. I know honesty is a huge part of a solid relationship, but if you let the other know your feelings too much too soon you may freighten them away. You've gotta hold back a little right? Do you agree with that idea or not? If so, how much do you hold back?

**What I'm evaluating in the beginning are things like, is this guy emotionally mature and stable? So, if you are telling me you love me before you even KNOW me, then that's a big red flag. I want to see a balanced approach...that you like me and are excited about spending time with me, but you're appropriately cautious and taking your time and getting to know me as well.

If the guy is showing his interest clearly and strongly to the woman he's dating, should the woman still hold back a little or tell him how she feels too?

**Saying something like "I really enjoy your company and want to get to know you better" is perfectly appropriate. Saying "I love you"...not so much!

Last question: I know this varies depending on the couple, but how long do you think the two of you should be dating before things get exclusive? How long do most women expect before exclusivity? Don't answer this question as if he's Mr. Perfect (a kinder honest version of Brad Pitt... without the cheating!), answer it like any guy you date; meaning things are going farily well, you have some reservations and concerns, but you still like him a lot.

**I think dating for about 2 months before becoming exclusive is the right amount of time for me. I should also note that FWIW, I don't sleep with someone until I know him well enough to decide whether I want to date him exclusively.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:18pm

<< (By thy way, is there a name for this dating stage? It's sandwiched between casual dating and exclusive relationship. What do you call that?)>>

It's still just called 'dating' ... or 'seeing each other.'

Ok, so ... based on my personal experiences and what I would want at this particular stage ... here goes:

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It's a 50/50 deal, IMO. With each person giving 100% of what they can to allow the relationship to grow.

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Completely depends on the woman. For me, after a few dates ... it's ok for either person to initiate. For example, if I've been on 3 dates with a guy ... and I had tickets for a ball game or a concert ... I certainly wouldn't mind taking the opportunity, at this point, to ask if he wanted to go. There's probably still more initiating by the guy at this point, but ... I'd also be looking for her to take some intiative at this point too, if I were you.

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Gauge her reaction to your calls. When you call ... is she always 'into the call' and seems truly glad to hear from you? Or, are there times where she may seem distracted or bothered (if you're calling too much ... she could easily seem distracted or not that into the call).

At this stage, when it's not a relationship or exclusive, personally ... I don't want to be called everyday ... certainly not numerous times per day. But, some women like knowing that the guy they're dating is 'thinking of them' ... for me, I don't need that ... in fact, for me, a guy who calls me everyday after just a couple of dates is a bit smothering. But, that's just me. I'd say call her to make plans ... or call every few days to say "hello" and ask about her day ... but, if she seems to like being called everyday ... and you're comfortable with that ... well, that's ok, too (just be careful of setting a precendent that could be hard to maintain if/when the relationship progresses).

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Again, depends on the girl. After a few dates, it's certainly ok to call to just say "hello" as well. I think this type of thing should be reciprocal. If you call, and leave a message ... she should call back. Match each other's level of interest.

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Somewhere inbetween every day and once per week. Ha! Everyday is smothering for most people ... and if it's not smothering ... because it's easy to get caught up in the infatuation and the 'liking to be with you' part of it at this stage ... it can as easily 'crash and burn' if it's not given some space.

Personally, a couple times a week ... say, 2 - 3 is a good ... after all, there are 7 days in a week ... should you be spending more than half your evenings or all of your weekend days or nights together at this point? Probably not. Think in balance.

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Keep it a little bit unpredicatable. If you bring flowers or 'nice things' every time you see each other ... it will become expected. Takes the 'specialness' out of it. Once a month ... or every few weeks is probably fine.

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You can't scare off someone who's on the same page. Yet, after a few dates, you can't really know for sure yet if you're on the same page ... so, just be yourself ... don't GUSH ... just go with the flow.

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Ditto on above. It should be mutual and reciprocal.

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If it's going well, the timing will feel right. There's no hard and fast rule. My last bf didn't call me his gf until 6 mos. And that was fine with me ... I'm not that into labels. We both knew that we weren't seeing other people ... it wasn't discussed in terms of having the 'exclusivity talk' ... it just was. We just let it progress and take its course. Personally, I don't 'expect' exclusivity ... because I don't expect anything ... expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen. The only things I expect are values-based ... I expect respect ... I expect honesty ... and if that's there ... that's all good.

If I want something exclusive, and that doesn't seem to be what it is ... I'll ask. And, if what I hear isn't in alignment ... I'll move on. No sense of trying to make it be something it's not ... trying to beat a dead horse, ha!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 7:09pm

First I have to say that expectations vary from woman to woman. Expectations will vary depending on numerous factors including but not limited to how she was raised, her level of self-respect, her ethnicity, where she lives, her age, her current circumstances, etc. SO the following is sort of just a rundown of my expectations:

How much does the guy need to initiate getting together with her woman? >>
Until they are exclusive the man needs to do most, but not all the initiating

How often is it appropriate to call her? >
No more than once a day - exception if is if you are trying to set up a date and need to do callbacks to make sure the lady can make it, or is apprised of what to wear, etc.

How much should the girl call the guy? >
Not very often! (I admit to not being a phone-fan)

How often is it good to get together each week without either suffocating each other or letting it get too boring and stale? >
Once or twice is enough, I think. Partly depends on how close they live to each other.

How many "nice things" should you do for her without coming off needy or whipped, yet still showing her that she's different and special to you? (ie: flowers, or a note, or a burned CD of music?) >
If you are not yet exclusive - one or two nice things a month seems enough.

If the guy is showing his interest clearly and strongly to the woman he's dating, should the woman still hold back a little or tell him how she feels too? >
Well if the guy has already made a declaration, I think it is fine for the woman to tell him how she feels. However, it is best to wait for theguy to go first since if the woman goes first, the guy might feel "pressured" and flee the relationship without giving it a chance.

how long do you think the two of you should be dating before things get exclusive?>
Like you said - it depends on the couple. For some it will be months, for some it could be weeks. Some people, at first meeting, think "this is the one" and stop thinking about dating other people.

Iri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 4:19am
My answer is not so straight forward. I think that the perfect relationship just falls together like pieces of a jigsaw. There are no rules that have to be adhered to and each person just does what feels 'right' to them. And what is right for one is instinctively right for the other.
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