What's in a title- FWB vs. BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
What's in a title- FWB vs. BF
15
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 3:57pm

I posted this in another spot but thought I could get additional advice here...

Hi all (i'm new here) but could use a bit of advice.

I've been seeing this guy for about ten months now (whoa- doesn't feel like that long). There have been lots of ups and downs but for the most part, I'm really happy and I love being around him. We do all the typical couple things- go out to eat, watch movies, rent videos, spend the nights. And I know he's not seeing anyone else because frankly, we're together so much he doesn't have time. However, he has an issue with being any relationship defined by traditional "girlfriend/boyfriend" standards because he says in the past he's lost interest when relationships are traditionally defined and he'd rather just spend all this time together and enjoy it rather than debate semantics. When I press him on the issue he'll say that we "have an understanding" but has never explicitly detailed what that understanding is. I guess I'm confused: Does this just mean we're FWB? I know he would be incredibly hurt if I ever went out with another guy and I would feel the same- when I do express my worries about other women being attracted to him he seems intrigued by their affection (too intrigued by my tastess) but ultimately tells me not to worry because they're not me.

It's a bit more complicated then this really because we started as FWB but it sort of evolved to its current state. I guess I'd like to know if anyone has experienced a similar situation so I can understand it a little better and evaluate. I'm totally into this guy and I don't want to end it, but I also feel like I want to be in a REAL relationship and I care too much about him to be jerked around.

Thanks for any insight!
A

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:23pm

I would talk to him. Ask him, "when you say we have an understanding, what do you EXACTLY mean? I need you to spell it out as though I'm a child".

And listen to what he has to say. If he's talking about a future with you and exclusivity, then it's a BF, if he's talking about today, no word of exclusivity, I would ASK if you two are exclusive dating and sexually, I would ASK if he sees you in his future, all those things, because if he doesn't say it. don't assume anything. you need to hear from him EXACTLY what he means.

I was in that same sorta place. My bf said that he could "see himself with me for the rest of his life" but in reality, he didn't see marriage. that was different. Also, he'd say he "cared a LOT about me" but in reality, he didn't love me (yet). My bf told me he didn't want a commitment, but we agreed to be exclusive sexually (fwb basically), and I could date, and he told me he wasn't going to (but i left the option open for him). A few months later, I told him I needed a commitment (no titles needed) but a commitment to the POSSIBILITY of a future together forever. After a long talk, he agreed. And I said, I expect this r'ship to move forward, not be here forever, however, I won't push it, and we'll allow it to grow on it's own. For the most part, i haven't pushed.

However, we weren't fwb anymore. we didn't call each other bf/gf. We had no titles. The only diff was that we were for sure not dating anyone else, and that we agreed to commit to the r'ship and the possibility of a future btwn us.

HTH.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:31pm

Well, I'd say it's more than FWB ... if you're going on dates ... out to eat, to movies, etc ... FWB is more or less just about the 'benefits' of sex or physical attention ... but, without going out on dates, etc. A FWB relationship doesn't take much intiative beyond the bedroom or 'hanging out' at each other's homes.

It sounds like what you have is the beginning of a relationship ... if you're spending that much time together ... without the 'formality' of it being defined, as such.

However, I'll ask a couple more questions ... after 10 months:

1) do you know his friends?
2) do you know his family; have met his family?
3) have you taken a trip or vacation together? If not, have you discussed something like that?
4) how does he introduce you to people?
5) how often do you go out on dates?
6) were you, have you been part of each other's holidays?
7) have you discussed long-term goals? (not so much long-term goals in terms of EACH OTHER ... but, your goals as individuals?) You know, the 'where do you see yourself in 5-years?" type of stuff.

You said its 'evolved to its current state' ... has it evolved in terms of things you do ... or just evolved in terms of how much time you spend together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:46pm

I think this is why it gets so complicated! Here are answers to the requested questions.

However, I'll ask a couple more questions ... after 10 months:

1) do you know his friends?

Yes. I've met several of them and I know his best friend. We've all hung out together a couple tiems.

2) do you know his family; have met his family?

He only really has one family member- his mother, who lives in another city so I've never met her. I know OF her, and he's shown her a picture of us, but no I've not met her... He has met my mother.

3) have you taken a trip or vacation together? If not, have you discussed something like that?

We each went to the east coast separately, but ended up meeting there. We're going back next week, but it's for work-- though we've made plans to share a room and spend time together there.

4) how does he introduce you to people?

This is my friend blah blah. (ouch) or he'll say "I'm at dinner with my friend, the girl I've been hanging out with" (makes me feel like I"m in high school again)

5) how often do you go out on dates?

at least once a week

6) were you, have you been part of each other's holidays?

so far there have only been two and we've each gone to our respective homes (in different cities), but did celebrate my birthday.

7) have you discussed long-term goals? (not so much long-term goals in terms of EACH OTHER ... but, your goals as individuals?) You know, the 'where do you see yourself in 5-years?" type of stuff.

Absolutely. We've discussed goals as individuals and try to help each other reach those goals.

You said its 'evolved to its current state' ... has it evolved in terms of things you do ... or just evolved in terms of how much time you spend together?

Both. There were some bumps through this evolution-- he has experienced depression which I sort of just stuck out and tried to be there for him (not an easy task), now he's on anti-depressants which makes him much more pleasant to be around (but now has lost his sex drive, which is an issue for another day, I guess). Anyways, as far as evolution- we used to just hang out at home, and he would be hard to tie down as far as planning to go out- but now we plan ahead, and he'll ask me a week in advance if I want to go to the movies, etc. When we're in public we don't hold hands, but he'll put his arm around me, grab my arm, etc.

All these things make me think it's MORE than FWB. And when he's mentioned the term in the past he'll say that I'm more than a FWB, but then, what's in between FWB but not at BF? What's that called?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 5:15pm

Honey,

For the most part, guys aren't creatures of natural communication. He certainly sounds like he fits the mold though. He sounds like he genuinely likes you, but the jury is still out with him how far he wants to take it. Let me just tell you that you are for all intents and purposes "b/f & g/f", but without the title itself. I know plenty of guys who feel the same way. They want the girl to know they really do like them, and they aren't out looking around for another girl, however the title makes them nervous. It's not that you don't deserve the title or to have "the talk" with him, it's just that he doesn't sound like he wants to have it. For right now, he is only with you, body, mind, and spirit. However, he wants his time and space to think about it and get used to the idea. He sounds like the type who may never have that "relationship talk" with you, but hopes that just by being with you each day he's showing you that you are his g/f. 10 months is right about where you guys feel exclusive, but at least in the man's mind are still far from anything else. I don't know how fast you plan to move with him, or how defined you want each step of the way, but don't plan on either with this guy by the sound of it.

To sum up: he looks at you as his g/f for the most part, but if someone else came a long that he'd rather be with, he might just begin to think about jumping ship (sorry it's what most guys do...and some women too!) He's commited to you for the forseeable future (he's not actively looking around), but he's not about to say you are the one forever and ever. Frankly, that's exactly what being b/f & g/f are. You are committed to each other quite possibly for awhile, but not necessarily looking at marriage in the forseeable future.

As always, if you can get him to talk openly, go for it. Many guys don't want to, and avoid it at all cost. Also the talk doesn't always happen in every relationship. Sometimes it just is. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 5:21pm

AT one point, my bf was my FWB.

He opened car doors for me, held my hand, hugged and kissed me in public, etc. We'd do the movie thing, the dating thing, all of that. Including the sex thing.

I had met some of his friends (we'd go hit the golf range with them), I was always introduced as, "this is PG". No titles EVER. I was at his house all the time, and he lived with his folks, so I saw them all the time. I met his sisters and his neices even started to like me. They saw me a lot.

I went to his house on xmas day (after my own family stuff) to see his neices open up their gifts from me. I got a gift from the neices (just cutesy kid stuff). We exhchanged b-day/x-mas gifts.

He took me out to a really nice restaurant ($100 dinner) for V-day. And gave me a cute Beanie Baby. I gave him a "friendly" card.

And during all this, we were only FWB. So, again, my two cents, TALK to him, because we did all that, and we were only FWB. His neices were ready to call me their Aunt, but I wasn't even his gf. He invited me to go with him to his good friend's wedding (he was in the wedding, and the wedding was in Vegas). I had invited him to my gf's wedding. We were still just FWB.

So, please, please ,please, talk to him. All that stuff you mentioned doesn't mean JACK. Because at the end of the day, if in his heart, he feels you are no one to him, but someone to pass the time away with, whom he DOES care about, but not love enough to commit too, then you are ONLY a FWB.

After realizing all that me and my bf did, I finally told him I want a commitment. Because we were acting like a couple, doing couple things, I wanted the "title" of "couple". I felt me settling for anything less, was just that. Settling. For a man who didn't even WANT me in a gf/w sense. Please don't do that to yoruself. You desrve what you want. If you want to be an official couple (even minsu the actual titles) great. Talk to him. If not, keep going as it is, and eventually one day, you'll find out what he wants, either by proposing one day, or introducing you to his new gf.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 5:27pm
hmmm... that was most helpful. thanks for all the words of wisdom
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 5:51pm

I could NOT disagree more!

PLENTY of men will hang with a woman for as long as she allows it...and have NO intention of making it a more serious, committed relationship.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 5:52pm

How about, "a casual relationship of indefinite duration primarily for companionship and sex"?

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 5:59pm

Actually, what you describe is more of a "booty call" relationship...an FWB relationship DOES involve going out together (that's the "Friends" part).

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 6:05pm

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