A Husband Checklist??
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A Husband Checklist??
| Tue, 08-02-2005 - 8:45pm |
hello. my bf and i have been together on and off (mostly on) for the last 10 years. we are now engaged and living together for the last 6 months. lately we have been fighting almost every day. finally we have decided to go see a couples couselor. i'm just completely confused and at a loss as how to know whether or not we should even be together. can we be "in love" and still not be compatible? how am i supposed to know if we're just going through a tough time or if its just not meant to be?
i have asked people how they knew that they wanted to get married, and the most popular response is "you just know when it's right". is that true? frankly, it just sounds like a load to me! am i the only one who ever is confused, who feels its right one day and doesn't know for sure the next? is this a sign we shouldn't get married?
i wish there was a checklist i could use to know whether or not he and i are "meant to be".
i have asked people how they knew that they wanted to get married, and the most popular response is "you just know when it's right". is that true? frankly, it just sounds like a load to me! am i the only one who ever is confused, who feels its right one day and doesn't know for sure the next? is this a sign we shouldn't get married?
i wish there was a checklist i could use to know whether or not he and i are "meant to be".

I've got a 1 point checklist for finding the man of my dreams.
1. Do you EVER question whether or not you should be together?
Answer No - yes, you should marry him.
Answer Yes - no, you shouldn't marry him.
I'm sorry that I can't give you more info...but that's how it works for me. Let's face it, if you disagree/argue/fight frequently when you're dating - imagine marriage :-/
For the record, based on this theory, I've been with my husband for a total of 13 years. And I couldn't be happier.
I don't believe in "you just know" or "if you doubt it's wrong" or any of that. Why? Because everyone has a past. Everyone's past determines how they think about things. People's pasts make them doubt, or questoin thigns they normally wouldn't.
I'd say, keep going to couples cousneling. that is the BEST way to find out.
i.e. my 2xh and I were VERY in love. But in the end, we realized we weren't as compatible core personality wise, as we were with everything else (fun stuff, food, sex, life in general, etc). As he said, "we handle adversity extremely different" and we did, and it caused A LOT of friction.
The fact that you ahve been on an off, is a red flag to me. I would highly highly suggest you continue couples counseling until you are at least 6 months prior to the wedding (do you have a wedding date yet?) And if you're still not sure, then I would postpone the wedding. To marry, you should BE SURE, as sure as you can. You don't need to be happy 24/7, nor never doubting, but if you're going back and forth everyday, there are unanswered questions there still. Maybe they're fixable, maybe not.
Lastly, you are NOT the only one who's confused. I am too. Everyone keeps telling me it's not meant to be because I didn't "just know" because I have had my doubts, because so much has changed, because I feel one thing one week and something else another. Ppl tell me to leave cuz I have no passion for the man, in MY sense of passion. But yet, we rarely argue, he makes me laugh everyday, we get along wonderfully.
In my life. I doubt, I questoin, I worry because I have been married and divorced TWICE. I refuse to go through that ever again. And for those that have never btdt, can't understand why "just knowing" doesn't cut it anymore, and why "doubting" is normal for me. Because overall, I'm scared of making the wrong choice. And ppl will tell me that if I'm scared of my choice, he's wrong. But they don't know me, they don't my past. They don't understand my reasons for doubting. To them, I'm doubting and that's enough for them to judge.
So......continue with counseling. I would say that is your BEST bet. My other way of thinking is this. Can you live like you are RIGHT NOW, forever? can you accept him changing for the better or worse? Is he willing to work on the r'ship to save it? To me, that's the big one. Is he willing to work on the r'ship to save it. Can I see myself living this life for a LONG LONG time?
Hugs.
~pineapple_girl
Not to pry into your personal business, but what are you guys arguing about?
Is it minor stuff that keeps happening (e.g., forgetting to put the toilet seat down or the top on the toothpaste) or arguments over conflicting *values* (e.g., he thinks it's okay to keep in regular touch with an old girlfriend and she keeps calling the house, or he likes to stay out to all hours of the night, like 3:00am)?
As for your own "husband checklist," it's about characteristics/attributes that are important to you and sharing the same values, standards and principles in life. Beyond wanting a man who's attractive, what else is important to you? What are your "deal breakers"?
For example, I knew that being with a man who was financially-responsible was one of my "must haves". But yet, I ended up marrying a man who had terrible credit, owed money to the IRS for not filing taxes for a few years, and who spent money like it was going out of style and couldn't save it even if his life depended on it. It was only one of the problems that tore the marriage apart. I wanted a man who was honest and forthright, yet he kept secrets and told lies as easy as breathing.
See why the marriage didn't last? We had conflicting values and even though I tried very hard and gave it my best shot, our conflicting values tore us apart.
Good luck,
Heymum
Great point heymum!!!
~pineapple_girl
hey all, thanks for all the responses. i agree that everyone has different pasts and i just don't think its possible for me to not ever have any doubts at all (about anything! not just a man..) i wish i could be THAT sure about anything at all in my life..ever.
we argue about the piddly things. or, one person is in a bad mood and gets snippy with the other. for all the big things (religion, money, kids) i know he and i would work well. and, he is totally willing to work on the relationship.
i guess a lot of it is that i'm 33, my biological clock is ticking louder than ever, and i DO NOT want to make a mistake. i really don't want to get divorced in 3 years (who does??). i don't want to waste any more time if that's what i'm doing here.
i know there's no easy answer.. i wish there was tho! i'm sure counseling will help clear things up.. it better, anyway.
thanks again!
If you want the closest thing to a prediction, there's this test, not sure where or how or how much, but there's a test that you to take together, and ppl evaluate you and could tell you if you'll get divorced.
It's got a really good success rate. Basically, it's watching how you interact in different types of situations, where it's kinda stressful.
It reminds me of when I watch couples on The Amazing Race. Either they end up together and happier or split up. You put that much pressure and stress on a r'ship, it's either going to crack, or the two ppl will find out how great they are together.
I don't know how to search for it, but I'll see if I can find it. Heck, I'd take it, cuz you sound like me, never sure. lol.
Lastly, I feel the BEST thing for preventing divorce, is preparing for marriage. With counseling, I think that should be a good preparation. BTW, stick it out, don't quit cuz thigns are good. Just keep going. Hit every topic. Why you are fighting everyday, even if they are measly things. WHY are you both picking fights? thigns like that. LEARN how to fight correctly, and how to solve fights. Learn the skills to make a marriage successful, learn how to communicate, learn learn learn.
~pineapple_girl
hey let me know if you find that test.. i'm always up for that stuff..
:)