Another Actions vs. Words Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Another Actions vs. Words Question
5
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 12:24am

This is along the same lines of a couple previous posts I just read about actions speaking louder than words. First, I just want to say I loved reading everyone's thoughts on that subject, and was so glad I found the posts, because I just went through a situation this evening regarding this.

I've been dating this guy for 4 months. During that time, we've definitely grown closer, and the relationship has shown progression. I, stupidly, assumed after a while that we were bf/gf (blame it on the insecure girl in me wanting a title). Well, tonight, we actually had a discussion about "us." Come to find out, he doesn't see us as being "together" as in bf/gf, but we are rather still dating. This came as kind of a surprise to me, as all the signs were pointing to committed relationship.

So then I got on here and happended to find the previous posts, and I especially loved the one from MidwestFlyGuy. It seems like everything you described fit my guy to a "T". I mean, I've met his mom, all his close friends, he referred to himself once as my bf, we talk several times a day, I could go on and on.

So it seems that I should just watch him and how he treats me and worry less about what he is saying. Don't get me wrong, it's something that will stay in the back of my mind, but I realize now that some guys do take more time, and that just because he's not ready to be serious yet doesn't mean it won't happen in the future if things keep going as well as they have been.

Am I right on this? Do you agree? Any advice?

Thanks!
Sunflower

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 1:38am

Ask him what type of relationship he is eventually looking for, to make sure the two of you are at least on the same page with what you want if things continue to go well. That way you will at least know if he is OPEN to something more committed and serious, even if he doesn't believe you are "there" yet.

But if he says he is NOT looking for a serious relationship (as opposed to not thinking that the two of you are there yet), pay attention! But from what you've said, it does sound like he's just not there yet.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 9:22am
Thanks Sheri, I appreciate the input! I really love this board, I hadn't spent much time here before, but I probably will now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 1:15pm

Another thing to do, which Sheri has mentioned before, is to give yourself a time frame. I don't mean some ultimatum, but how long are you willing to stay in this titleless r'ship for him to "catch up" to where you are? Or how long are you willing to wait for a commitment? That type of thing.

I believe you stated it's only been a few months, so maybe another few more? Everyone has their own time frames and limits to how long they can wait for something without progression. Just be sure to keep communication open btwn the two of you, and if he does want something "future" wise in terms of r'ship, then make sure it EVENTUALLY progresses within a timeframe ACCEPTABLE to you. :)

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 5:52pm

The thing is, that there is progression as far as us getting to know each other better and deepening our bond. It feels like it's getting more serious as time goes on. I guess that's why I'm not too concerned about the lack of title at this point, because I think it wouldn't really change anything as far as our actions towards one another, and it wouldn't change how I feel about him. I'm just now coming to realize that a relationship can grow and progress without having to stick a title on it. I've been reading a lot of posts on here about this subject, and it seems that alot of couples go for a long time without "defining" the relaionship. I had no idea! I guess what matters most, to me anyway, is having trust, respect, and communication. If you have that, then it's probably a healthy relationship, no matter what you want to call it. After all, I've known plenty of couples who have a title, but they don't have any of the above.

But you guys are right, I think I'll take this discussion with a grain of salt, and keep it in the back of my mind. And if the time comes when I feel like we should have "defined" ourselves, then I'll approach the subject again and see where we stand. Thanks for the input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:08pm

Good. As long as you know he wants a r'ship to progress (which I would talk to him about, when the time is right for you), and you're progressing, somehow, someway, then that IS good.

When you're not longer progressing is when things need to be re-evaluated and seriously talked about.

good luck!

~pineapple_girl