Actions V. Words...Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Actions V. Words...Again
2
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 10:09pm

Hi everyone,

Sorry about the repeat discussion. I'm new here and I seen these posts and this is something that I have been trying to figure out for a while. I'm hoping that someone might be able to give me a little insight to my situation.

I met this guy a few years ago. We we friends first and eventually became more. We would go out all the time to movies, out to eat, shopping, etc. He used to call me all the time (usually 2-3 times a day). He would call while I was at work and leave me voicemails basically that said he was thinking about me. When his friends were in town he's invite me out with them. We would talk about anything and everything and he was always asking odd questions. He asked if I ever had any nicknames ever and things like that. He also would tell me about his family, childhood, ex g/fs etc (even some things I don't think I would want others to know). When we ran out of money (we were poor college students) we started hanging out at his place more and watching tv and movies. After a while he would start doing things that I knew he was interested. For instance when we would watch something he would start out in one place and by the end of the movie was next to me. Throughout the movie he would also bring me his pillow and blankets and things like that. Eventually he would start out the same place as I was and we would cuddle during the movie and do our usual chat sessions afterward (we would always talk for hours no matter where we were at or what we did).

One night after the movie he called me his g/f and told me that I was going to stay the night because he didn't want me to leave. We ended up sleeping in his bed and did nothing but kiss. While I was sleeping I kicked the covers off and woke up to his putting them back on me. Eventually things progressed to more in the days following and at the end of the semster he move a few hours away. After that he still called me every day (I did call him as well) and would email if he was unable to call. Would call me even when his mom and grandma were with him. He kept telling me that he expected to meet my parents etc. Eventually we both started having issues within our families that with school and working we did get to see eachother often (we would go see eachother every now and again). When we would see eachother we would either go out or stay in and mess around. When summer came he started working a few jobs to pay for the upcoming semester. By that time I had graduated and was starting a new job that was very demanding. We still talked and kept making plans to get together that never quite worked out. When we would talk (About 8 months after he called me his g/f) he would say things about us getting married and having kids or how he could wait until he could see me and be with me everyday things like that. Then a few months after he was saying things like that we were talking and I teased him that he btter not be looking at any other girls and he said I'm not ready for a relationship right now, but he continuted to say things to me. Then I was going through a rough time and had a lot of stress in my life and I asked him to do soemthing for me and I didn't hear from him and I got really mad and stopped communicating with him for about 4 weeks. I then emailed him to let him know I was sorry (and come to find out he did do what I asked, but my cell phone was broken and I didn't get his message). When he emailed me back he told me that he started dating this girl a few weeks before I emailed him. He told me that he had tried to get ahold of me a few times and I never returned any of his calls so he thought I was no longer interested (if I would have gotten any of them I would have). He had met her in a bar and took her out a few times and that was that. I then said some mean things I really didn't mean to him and he said some back that I don't know if he meant or not.

Was I misreading everything? Maybe it was because I was too close to the situation. Is it possible that he called me his g/f in the moment type thing and then changed his mind? By his actions alone I thought he was interested in me, but then I got to wondering if he thought we were more FWB. However, to me his words also suggested he was interested. BTW we are both in our mid-late 20s.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 5:57pm

I'd say that you were very much boyfriend and girlfriend. But then both of you placed other things as a higher priority than your relationship and it simply fizzled.

IMHO, if you really want a relationship to succeed, you must place it at a higher priority than other things in your life. This doesn't mean that you should neglect your work and friends, but it's about finding a level of balance. If your work is so busy/stressful that you can't see your partner - then it's a job for a single person.

A successful relationship doesn't have issues such as "making plans to get together that never quite worked out". I don't buy that - I think that if you TRULY want to see each other, you'll find a way.

I also believe that stopping talking to him for 4 weeks (!) was a negative turning point in the relationship. I don't care what he did - if you really care about someone, you sort out issues ASAP or break up. You don't just leave the relationship in limbo for 4 weeks. Quite frankly, I'm not surprised that he moved on.

Anyway, this is all past. Live and learn. And best of luck for your future relationships.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 11:37am

After reading your post, I feel there is one HUGe thing missing with you two....COMMUNICATION!!! You both ASSUMED you were dating. He called you his gf, but did you say okay? Did you two agree to be exclusive? Why would you just stop talking to him for 4 weeks? Why not instead get in contact with him and find out what happened?

Seriously, I think you both need to learn to communicate, to act a bit more maturely in a r'ship, and as the previous poster say, make the r'ship a priority. It sounded like you two had a very casual r'ship, regardless of his words. You both just took it as it came.

If you truly are interested in this man, and are willing and ready to be mature, learn to communicate, and make it a priority, I would talk to him about it (as he is still only dating the other woman). But if you're not ready, and you still want a r'ship where you just "hook up" to hang out, then he's not the one for you.

p.s. his actions and words seemed to match up, I feel it was YOURS that didn't.




Edited 8/8/2005 11:38 am ET ET by pineapple_girl

~pineapple_girl