How do I get him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2005
How do I get him back?
3
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 11:15pm

I'm new here and am looking for some advice. This seemed like a place that could help. I was dating this guy for nearly a year and a half. I thought things were going great. We would go out all the time (dinners, movies, sporting events) and usually had a great time doing it. We would talk on the phone constantly when we weren't with eachother (or at work). We were together about 2 months when my job transferred me almost 3 hours away. During that time we would still talk on the phone everyday (usually only once) and we started talking online as well as an occasional email. In the beginning we did see eachother once a month (in addition to the job I was transferred to I was working a second job weekends during the holiday season). Needless to say we didn't get a lot of quality time together, but we did talk a lot. About 6 months after I moved he took a job about an hour away from where I moved. During that time we talked some, but not as much because he was understress from the move, strating a new job, and around the same time his father was diagnosed with cancer. After things started to settle we did talk more once again and made plans to see eachother (it had been about 6 months since we had seen eachother and spend time together. The problem was he worked from 8-5 and I worked 2-10. Our plan was to meet in the middle or at either of our places, but by the time I got out of work I was tired and wanted to go home and he had to be up early for work so he didn't want to spend a lot of time out. Over the next holiday we had made plans to get together (he was coming to my place for the weekend), but we had a huge snowstorm and I told him not to come. He wanted to and said he would drive slow, but I didn't want him to risk it. After that his sister he is very close to and lives 15 hours away came home (he gets to see her maybe 1-2 times a year) so I left him alone that week figuring he would want to spend that time with her. Not long after that my cousin died and I wasn't in contact with him for about a week (it was a shock and it was no one he knew so I didn't even think to contact him). He then emailed me a few times wondering if I was okay because he hadn't heard from me. Not long afterwards I was still in shock from my cousin's death and was stressed to the max. We were supposed to see eachother and he called me and told me he couldn't because something came up in his family. I was really upset and not thinking clearly so I stopped calling him. Almost a month later I called him and apologized for being such a fool that I knew family was important to him. At that time he told me that he had started dating a girl he met a 2 weeks before. He said he had tried calling me and I never answered and my answering machine never picked up so he figured I had ended things. I then went off on him and said a lot of things I didn't mean and he gave them right back to me. I was hurt and upset and with everything else going on just lost it. He emailed me a few weeks later telling me that he did want to be friends and not have things awkward like they are now between us. I have talked to him on the phone 3 times since them and emailed a few and got a few responses.

I love this man and want him back as stupid as that may seem. I have tried numerous times to let him go, but I always end up wanting to fight for him. A few months after this happened (its been about 5 months) I met this other guy and we went out a few times. I liked him, but couldn't see myself with him. When I start thinking I could have everything I had with him the friendship, the intimacy, the fun, the connection, etc and start thinking about someone else I always end up seeing myself with him. I believe he still has feelings for me and I want to see if we could work things out.

We had talked about getting married (close to the year mark) and that he saw it happening within the next few years. I think I know more about him that I do any other person and he knows more about me. I know that his last serious girlfriend cheated on him and broke his heart it took him nearly 4 years to get over her. He told me a lot of things about his life like what a terror he was when he was little, how his parents disciplined him, that he sucked at art. Things that most people wouldn't know about others. He would ask me questions all the time about my life because "he wanted to know anything and everything about me." I believe he stills does have feelings. The last time we talked (the night before I got mad)he told me that someday he was going to hold me everynight. He was saying that kind of stuff all the time. I don't believe that his feelings would change in a few weeks. I don't believe that he would hang on to a relationship for almost 2 years if he didn't have feelings just to string me along.

I think things fell apart because we talked and emailed, but not seeing eachother we lost that connection. I think that sometimes you need that other person there with you and I think that's what the other girl had going for her.

This may sound really pathetic to some of you, but he was mine and I want to get him back. I admit both of us kind of let the relationship slip to the backburner, but I atleast have to know if he still has feelings or not. If he doesn't then I will leave him alone and try to move on, but this is one thing I have to know. Does anyone have any advice on how I could do this tactfully without hurting the friendship anymore and putting more space between us?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 1:14am

Is he currently involved with someone else or not? I couldn't tell from your post.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 6:02am

I was about to ask the same question as Northwestwanderer. "Is he still seeing another girl?" If the answer is "yes" then you've just gotta accept that you've missed the boat and move on.

However, if he's single these days, I would suggest that you think seriously before trying to get back together with him. When I read your post, all I see is a stack of excuses (from both of you) about why you couldn't see each other. I understand that there was other stuff happening at the same time, but if you truly had a good relationship, you would have been moving heaven and earth to see each other.

Let's face it, despite you loving him so much, you took a job that moved you away from him. He moved closer to you, but despite this, you still rarely saw each other. You say that shock was the reason that you didn't contact him when your cousin died?!! Hon, if you don't go to your beloved for support when in crisis, it's not much of a relationship. He cancelled a rare get-together with you because of family matters - why didn't you go to the family with him? If you've been together for a year(s) you should expect to be included in family matters - both good and bad.

I believe that you're wearing rose coloured glasses when looking at the past. You've forgotten that the two of you couldn't even make time to see each other - and the times you do recall are being brushed away with excuses that aren't good enough. Sure, he's showered you with some lovely words, but remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

The way you describe your history, the two of you chose to let your relationship come second place behind everything else in your lives. If it really,TRULY was a good as you remember, none of these things would have kept you apart.

I really suggest that you move on and find someone who is so dear to you that you can remember him in times of crisis.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2005
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 9:48pm

Sorry I haven't responded for a while, but I just got back from a business trip. To answer some questions that may not have been clear...

-As far as I know they are no longer together.

-About me moving away from him. It wasn't really my choice. I had been out of college 8 months and hadn't found a job. That was the only job offer that I got where I could support myself while staying in the same state as him.

-He moved because he was offered a GA position at a college that is somewhat nearer to me.

-When my cousin died I didn't call him that day (I found out late at night). I did call him the next day, but I was at my parent's house 6 hours away and with our profession you just can't get someone to cover for you like that. I was very sick this past spring and had to work because no one could cover for me.

-His family thing was his cousin was coming home from basic training and they were having a little get together. I had to work because there was no one to cover for me.

-There was more then words and sexual chemistry. When we would get together at his house when we would hang around and watch tv or whatever if I looked like I was dozing he would get up and get me his pillow from his bed (he only sleeps with one) and a blanket. When we would spend the night at eachother's places when we would be sleeping I have a habit of kicking off the covers in the night. He would always cover me back up. He would call me and leave messages on my machine telling me he was thinking about me or leave me little notes. When his friends were going out he would always call and insist that I go. Those are some of the things he did. He wasn't all about words.