Falling for a good friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Falling for a good friend
2
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 8:22pm
I have a question about a friend of mine that I hope someone can help me with. I don't want to sound shallow at all but here's the story. I have been good friends with this guy for three years. He is a wonderful guy all the way around. He is smart, sweet, affectionate, and just a wonderful person. We get along great and always have so much fun together. I really think I may be falling for him......until we are in front of each other. I am not really sure why but I just don't find him very attractive in a sexual way. In other words, I don't see myself getting to the point where I just can't keep my hands off of him. But, when we're on the phone or whatever I am extremely attracted to him. I know this sounds crazy and doesn't make sense but I don't know if this is something I should try to pursue. I know he has always been attracted to me and wanted to date me but I just couldn't do it. Now, I realize what a great guy he is and he is what I want in a boyfriend but how do I make it where I find him physically attractive. I just don't want to hurt him or lose him as a friend if I can't get to the point where I find him attractive in this way. I know this sounds crazy but I hope someone can understand my situation and let me know what I may need to try or do to figure out what to do in this situation. Thanks for all your help!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 8:46pm

I really don't think there's anything you CAN do. Either you're attracted to him, or you're not, and if you're not, you're not!

I think you have an unrealistic idea of what being attracted means, though. I think so long as you are *somewhat* attracted, that's sufficient (and it can grow into a stronger attraction). Can you imagine kissing him (and liking it)? If so, then you have at least the basics of attraction.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 12:41pm


When you have or want a r'ship that is based solely on friendship, VERY RARELY is there "passion" or "a lot of attraction" cuz if there was, most likely you wouldn't have remained friends for so long.

Here's seomthing my therapist said. He says, "I feel the best r'ships are those that are based on friendship, because you already know you LIKE the person. However, the downfall is that passion, is rarely present. That doesnt' mean it always isn't there, but it means that it's usually lower than if you just dated a guy. Attraction is there, but it's usually for the mind, not the body."

IMHO, if you really like/love this man for his personality, as yourself, can attraction GROW?

I was never attracted to my bf. Couldn't even stand to kiss him for the first month or two, but I kept doing it, and kinda forcing myself (that sounds bad), becaue I LOVED his personality. It took a few months, but he grew on me. My attraction for him is not INTENSE, but it is there. There ARE days where I see him more as a friend, than lover, and those day, I worry a bit, but soemthing happens, and I'm back to being attracted to him. It's like, if we're in "friend mode" too long, I lose the attraction/passion. It's like having a switch. BF/friend and it's hard to just go from one to another sometimes. Not all the time.

however, the fact that he's my best friend, that I can literally say that and MEAN it, not in some cheesy way. the fact that i love we can wake up together, go golf as friends, have lunch as friends, go shower as lovers, make love, go out at night as bf/gf makes it all so worth it.

Without having to put him through the agony of dating you, and then losing a good friend, cuz you weren't attracted to him, my thought would be to fantacize about him often. can you do it? no. well do it. try. do you ever get excited at all? does the idea of making love to him, then laughing afterwards because you're happy and enjoying yourself make you excited? I'll be honest, there are times when bf and I make love and i'm in a goofy mood, so it's more about "fun" then "feeling passionate, and good". we have fun, screw around, while making love. i've never done that with a bf before. usually, it's sex, it's intense, it's passionate. etc.

and unfortunately, you may have to pursue, force yourself to kiss him and stuff, and WAIT to see. I did, but fortunately, we were just "casually dating" while doing that. so if we ended thigns, it wasn't goig to be a big deal.

i hope that helped some.

(btw, since you said you're extremely attracted to him on the phone, my question for you is. what about him phsysically do you not like? and secondly, if you close your eyes, and imagine yourself making out with him or whatevers, does that excite you at all?)

~pineapple_girl