Am I Being Ridiculous? Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Am I Being Ridiculous? Please help!
17
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 3:09pm

My BF of almost 4 years and I currently are not speaking due to a fight last night...I would love some input/opinions from others to help me figure this out...

He has an apartment and while we don't officially live together, I do stay with him almost every night so it feels like we live together....also, his brother lives next door...his brother does not have a steady girlfriend and always has different girls over, calling, etc.

Last night, my BF and I were watching TV and the doorbell rang...He asked me to see who it was and I did not see anyone at the door but did see a car next door at his brother's apt. (who was not home at the time)...so, my BF walked outside to see who it was...he stayed out there talking to them for about 45 minutes before his brother returned...then they all sat outside talking around back for another 20 minutes...at that time, I called my BF and asked when he was returning since we had some things to do...he came right back...

I asked who he was talking to and come to find out it was two girls, one of which his brother is trying to hook up with...he knows one of them from college...I know of her also because it was a small college...I don't have a problem with him talking to anyone as long as it is innocent...what I have a problem with is him leaving me inside for over an hour to hang out with them....also, I drive over 30 minutes to be with him...I felt like it was inconsiderate of him...he thinks that I am being jealous....jealousy has NEVER been a problem with us either way because we are both social and not restrictive...he never called or came back in to introduce me...he says that he told the girl that he and I are dating since she knows who we both are...

I just think that it is rude and inconsiderate to leave your GF sitting inside waiting on you while you sit outside for over an hour talking with people you barely know...also, I did not go out because I thought it was some of their guy friend because they were driving a truck...am I being ridiculous? Thank you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 3:42pm

ITA with you. In my book, what he did was rude and inconsiderate, and would've been so even if it had been a couple of guys instead of two women. The least thing he should've done was come back in (within a couple of minutes of being outside) and asked if you wanted to join them or tell them "See ya" and return to spending time with you.

I think you were very gracious to wait as long as you did. I would've given him 15 minutes (to see what he was going to do) and then left.

For him to explain away his actions by putting the proverbial monkey on you by accusing you of being jealous is just WRONG. Ask him how he'd feel if the two of you had been at your place, a couple of guys showed up and you stayed outside chatting with them the way he did with those girls, while leaving him inside to watch tv alone FOR OVER AN HOUR.

I highly doubt he'd appreciate it. If nothing else, it's the excessive amount of time that makes what he did rude/inconsiderate and deserving of a major thump upside the head.

Consider that my two pesos....

Heymum




Edited 8/10/2005 3:45 pm ET ET by heymum
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:02pm

I think you're both in the wrong.

Him: I think it was rude that he didn't come back to at least say "hey, I'm out here talking while we wait for my brother" or something. And it was wrong of him to throw out you being jealous, when in fact, it was just a defensive response (as you said, jealousy has never been an issue).

however....

You: If you don't want him to treat you like you live there, then don't act like you live there, don't live there almost everyday. Also, I believe, that waiting that long, was crazy, it would've NOT been wrong for you to even poke your head out after a minute and say, "I wondered where you went". especially if you two had things to do, or were doing things. It would've been just as easy for you to step up and step outside to say hello, regardless of whom it is.

With that in mind.........

I think it depends on the situation. If say, you two were just watching tv, and nothing else, then it doesn't matter that he left you there, ESPECIALLY if you're there everyday. Now, if you two were doing something together, even if it was as simple as cleaning up around the apt, he should've come back, but also, you could've went outside.

Like I said, I think you both were in the wrong, and I think you both could've handled the situation differently. By stepping up and asking about something, before allowing it to get out of hand (waiting for 60 mins for him to return, and him being out there for that long), it has now gotten to you two not talking.

Lastly, if you don't want to be treated like a live-in gf, don't live there (and staying almost everynight at his place, to me, constitutes living there. And I'm sure he treats you like you live there and I'm sure you act like you live there). btw, to me, if you lived there, you are completely in the wrong then, that is the only reason I'm saying, if you don't want to be treated like a live-in....

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:22pm

Thanks for your responses...

You're right, I should have walked outside. Like I said before, I thought it was some of their guy buddies. If I recognized the car, I would have went outside. At the time, I did not want to be rude and bust up into a conservation with people I don't even know. It could have been about work. It is not unusual for him to be outside in the evening talking, working on his truck, working in the yard, etc. It is not a big deal at all. He spends almost all of his free time with me so we try to give each other some space at times like when he has things to do outside...I'll come out and talk for a while but then I'll find something else to do so that we are not somthering each other. He lives right in town in a subdivision so there are always people stopping by or walking by. He loves to be outside during the summer in the evening to tinker with things.

I guess my problem is that he stayed gone so long to talk to other girls. He says that it should not matter if it were guys or girls, it was an innocent conversation, just catching up. But I disagree - it does matter!! He said that he called his brother when he got outside and he was supposed to be back in 10-15 minutes and wanted them to wait. So, he sat talking to them waiting on his brother to come back, which took longer than expected. And then he said that once his brother and friend got there, he talked to them since they just returned from fishing.

Things got out of hand fast...he got defensive instead of listening to me and trying to understand where I come from...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:26pm

Ah, you lost me with your last part...I agree with him that it shouldn't matter whether it was men or women. If it was rude, it was rude regardless of the gender of the people he was talking to...and vice versa.

Why does it matter to you?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:37pm

If they were just friends, it should not matter if it was girls or guys...I agree.

My problem is this: he only knew one of the girls and I don't think he knows her that well...he knew her through some mutual friends when we were in college but that has been over 6-7 years ago....apparently, she moved away for a while...he said that she used to hang out with him and his buddies during that time...I don't even think that her name has come up in casual conversation but once the entire 4 years we have been together and then I think that his brother mentioned her, so he could not have been that good of friends with her...

I don't have a problem (and never have had a problem) with him talking to friends that are female...we have never had that kind of relationship...we both have friends of the opposite sex...And I probably would not have said anything if it had been for 10-15 minutes but an hour is a long time to be catching up with something who you don't know that well...to me, he should have spoken, caught up, and then come back inside and told them they were welcome to wait on the porch for his brother if they wanted to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:37pm

"I guess my problem is that he stayed gone so long to talk to other girls. He says that it should not matter if it were guys or girls, it was an innocent conversation, just catching up. But I disagree - it does matter!!"

So the truth comes out. It IS a jealousy issue. Sorry, but it is. If it wasn't a jealousy issue, then guys, gals, it doesn't matter one iota.

You made a big deal out of it because it was WOMEN he was talking to for more than the time you're comfy with. That's jealousy. and not trusting. He did react defensively, however, if it mattered to you that it was women, it's a jealousy issue.

Sorry, my two cents (revised).

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:51pm

Call it what you want but I do see a problem with spending that much time talking to people of the opposite sex that you hardly know while your GF sits inside....Like I said before, he could have ackowledge that I was there...why would you want to sit with other girls while your GF is inside...I would have never done that to him out of respect, if nothing else. If I were one of the girls, I would have wondered why this guy is spending so much time sitting and talking to me instead of his GF...maybe I am being ridiculous, but that is the way I feel...

I don't consider myself to be a jealous person but if that is what it is, then it is...I just don't want to be disrespected and to me, that is what he did...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 5:18pm

He did it, because he was being nice by waiting with them while his brother showed up.

And if you have a problem with it, then yes, it is a problem. however, as I said, you're both in the wrong. I still believe that. If you can't be assertive to find out why he didn't come back nor speak up, then I feel you shouldn't be complaining as much as you are.

However, that IS me. I take responsibilty for my actions, and non-actions. I hope you BOTH can take responsibility for BOTH your actions.

I'm also thinking that most likely, he doesn't separate "women" like you do, friends and non-friends, and what he can and cannot do with female friends and non-friends. What is appropriate and what isn't.

Also, it sounds like you're splitting straws. It's okay to hang out outside, cuz he likes that, while you're inside, and ppl stop by all the time, however, this time, it was wrong. If it's okay at certain times for him to do that, and not others, either you should make a big list of happenings and let him know, or else, I'd say you're overreacting to something else.

Jealousy, disrespect, whatever you want to call it.

If for the most part, you're A-okay with him talking to women, or leaving you inside, while he's tinkering outside, and even tlaking with people, then you are simply splitting straws and that's never a good thing. Ask yourself, WHY is this bothering you, more so than when he's outside, tinkering around, and you're not with him, and ppl stop by to talk to him, but you don't care?

Were you "waiting" for him to come back this time? Were you "expecting" him to come back and he didn't? Are you "more" angry because he didn't come back in the time you FELT he should've? Are you upset because he didn't do what YOU expected him to do?

You don't have to answer me, but ask yourself. Why do you care in THIS instance, versus other instances. If it's truly just cuz the women weren't his "friends", then tell him that it bothered you that they weren't actual FRIENDS. and make it known that YOU separate women FRIENDS from other women. And that it bothered you. And honestly, if that is the case, i'd own up to being a bit jealous that he spent so much time with them, NOT that you're jealous of them. cuz no matter how you split it, if it's the ONLY reason, that they aren't friends, then that's jealousy. NOT disrespect. (but yes he was rude about it. not ever saying he wasn't)

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 5:25pm

Despite your protests or reluctance to call it what it is, it's jealousy. I think it's normal to experience jealousy, although, it is something that can and should be avoided. For example, it sounds to me like you are lacking other things in your life. I came to that conclusion by this statement:

"He spends almost all of his free time with me so we try to give each other some space at times like when he has things to do outside...I'll come out and talk for a while but then I'll find something else to do so that we are not somthering each other."

But you're still just hanging around his house, waiting for him to finish whatever interests him and come in to you. Well, last night it was 2 girls that he found interesting. Not necessarily in an inappropriate way but he was interested for some reason, nonetheless.

I would venture to guess that you have very little interests outside of your b/f. That is very dangerous for a few reasons. First, you lose a sense of who you are. You become defined by him. The things that drew him to you in the first place might no longer be there. There's not as much to talk about because all there is, is him. Which leads to the second reason it's a bad thing, it's unattractive. You don't want to lose the things that made you dynamic to him in the first place, right? And finally, it allows him to unwittingly take you for granted. I can't rmember if it was in an article here at iVillage or maybe I read it in a book but someone said that if you have a pile of diamonds in front of your house that you walk past everyday, at first you will be in wonder of the diamonds, feel so lucky to have them but after day after day of walking past them they will lose their appeal or magic. Afterall, they're there *every day*. Yep, still there. Hmm, yeah, there's those diamonds. Huh? What diamonds? oh, there they are...

I guess my advice would be: do things for and by yourself more. Call up a girlfriend you haven't seen in a while and go out to dinner with her, ride a bike, read a book (at your house), watch a chick flick that your guy couldn't sit through, *something just for you*! Maybe you will find that the next time two girls come around he's not so willing to waste the time he has with his "diamond" chatting up the cubic zirconia. And by his choice, not because he thinks you're going to get mad or jealous! How great would that feel to you?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 5:45pm

As I said, to me, if him being outside for over an hour is rude behavior, then it's rude whether the people he's talking to are M or F. And if it's NOT rude, then it's not rude regardless of whether they are M or F.

You need to focus on his *behavior*, and decide if it was in and of itself rude or not, not who he was talking to...that's really immaterial.

Sheri

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