Fiance having second thoughts...
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Fiance having second thoughts...
| Wed, 08-10-2005 - 3:53pm |
Recently my fiance surprised me by proposing...and we set a date for late in 2006 (a long engagement)...in the past two months he has expressed interest in planning the wedding with me and has not seemed stressed about it in anyway...however, we are in the process of rebuilding our house which was severely damaged in flooding earlier this year...anyway...two weeks ago (right after I put down the deposit on our hall) he freaked out and said he is not ready, not sure if he loves me enough to get married, is confused, etc....I am not sure what to do...I am devastated...he said he wasn't sure when he proposed but thought the feelings would subside...he wanted to make me happy (I didn't even push him)...anyway he tried going to a friend for advice (who is a Pastor) and was given religious advice, but no answer for his questions of doubt. I am just sitting hear waiting for his decision, feeling sad and not sure whether to wear my ring or not...
can someone give me some advice...does he just not love me? should he know if he wants to marry me or not...is he just scared (his parents have horrible marriage)
can someone give me some advice...does he just not love me? should he know if he wants to marry me or not...is he just scared (his parents have horrible marriage)

Hugs. Sadly, it could be anything. His parents marriage, fear of failure, fear of "forever", fear of not choosing the right woman. Only he can know what it is.
I am hesitant to marry my bf. Everyone says it's because he's OBVIOUSLY not the one for me, but in reality, I'm scared because I've been married and divorced twice. That I obviously have NOT chosen well in the past. Fear of failing. fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of having to be divorced AGAIN.
I don't think there's much you can do. And btw, men can see anything as pressure for marriage. If you talked about your friends marrying, or having kids, or wanting that, or the house, etc, etc, etc.
One of the MOST stressful times in your life, is when you're rebuilding a house (or having repairs done, major ones).
I'd say, let him relax a bit. See what he has to say. Love has nothing to do with making it work, or not, or even wanting to be with someone (because love isn't always enough to keep a r'ship together). So, don't doubt that he doesn't love you. I know that's hard, esp to give him time to think, but better he know now, versus after you marry and want a divorce. Trust me on that one. MUCH better to know before.
~pineapple_girl
I feel for you and can certainly understand why you're feeling devastated. Hugs...
Although you don't say how long the two of you dated prior to your engagement, here's what I'd do if I had to face similar circumstances:
I'd return the ring, reassure him that I still love him (as long as there were no prior occurrences of abuse or mistreatment), and affirm that I wouldn't want to get married if either of us had any nagging doubts.
Perhaps for now, the focus should be on rebuilding your house (which is quite stressful enough). Hopefully after all of that has been taken care of, he'll feel less stressed and ready to progress to the next chapter of your future together.
One more thing, in light of the fact that his parents have a horrible marriage, his hesitancy to tie the knot is probably more of a reflection of that than anything else.
Good Luck!
Heymum
thanks for the advice..
How about you seek couples counseling? or maybe he should seek individual counseling?
Maybe you should check out some books. I know Are You The One For Me is good. I know, too good to leave, too bad to stay is another esp when confused. There's TONS of books that ask the RIGHT questions to get you really thinking. Heck, I bet a lot of women on this board could ask the right questions.
Hugs. I know it's hard. I do.
As for the friend thing, as in acting normal. Do what you can, but when it's too much, be honest with him and tell him you can't fake it. My xh wanted me to fake being a happily married couple in front of his friends, when we had already agreed to separate. I was tired of hearing his friends say, "when you two come to our wedding..." and so, I stopped going out with them and told him, YOU explain to them WHY I'm not there. and if you want me to see them again, then great, but not until you fess up.
Hugs.
~pineapple_girl
Kayz,
How do YOU feel about continuing to wear your engagement ring? Are you at peace with it or does it cause you additional sadness every time you look at it? If it were me, I'd take it off and put it away for safe keeping. From an emotional standpoint, I wouldn't feel "good" about wearing it, nor would I want to wear it as long as things were up in the air.
<>
Now, this is just my two pesos...
Ironically, he can love the hell out of you, desire with all of his heart to have a good marriage, be faithful and committed to you for the long haul, BUT if you reach the point where you stop trying and no longer contribute your share of the necessary love, dedication, respect and commitment to making the marriage work, the two of you could still end up in divorce court. I speak from experience, as I was the one who loved the hell out of my XH, had the desire and commitment to make it work but eventually had to give up and file for divorce. My XH not only stopped trying, but he did a lot of things on purpose to SABOTAGE the marriage until there was nothing left. So it really does take two to make a marriage work (and only one to destroy it).
The very same things that each of you did to win each other's heart are the same things you should continue doing long after the "I do's" have been said. Too often, people have a great time during the dating/courtship process, get married and then CHANGE. It's as if they think their work is done, when in truth, it's only just begun. A marriage has to be tended to and cared for like a beautiful garden. Daily care must be given to pull up weeds of anger, frustration, disrespect and apathy to keep them from taking root and overtaking the garden. A careless or unkind word here and there (even if said in jest or as "a joke") can do much to ruin and ultimately destroy even the best of loving relationships.
I agree with the other poster who suggested that the two of you go for counseling. Even if you don't go to church, most pastors would be willing to meet with the two of you for premarital counseling so that these and other issues/concerns can be addressed.
Lastly, just like you've been taking time to plan your wedding, the two of you should take the time to *plan* your day-to-day lives together for life after you're married. By this I mean carving time out of your busy schedules so you continue to have a weekly "date night" where you get out of the house and have fun together. Or if money's tight, stay home, shut off the phone and have a game or movie night.
Hang in there and keep us posted on how things go.
All the best,
Heymum