Am I wasting my time?
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Am I wasting my time?
| Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:07am |
We met a little over a month ago and hit it off right away. We have gone out every weekend since, whether it be with my friends, his, or both and a few one-on-one dates here and there. We both lead reasonably packed schedules, but we communicate in some way almost everyday (phone calls, e-mail, or text message). We get along amazingly well and the chemistry has been apparent since day one. The pace of our relationship has been very slow and deliberate. So slow that I am not quite sure where I stand as far as status wise, which actually has not been an issue with me. I am very keen on the idea of ‘going with the flow’ and trying not to look too much in this new relationship (because that usually causes me to overanalyze). I think his outlook on our relationship is very similar to mine. While our cautiousness may prevent us from verbally expressing some of our feelings towards each other, I believe our actions speak loud and clear. What my dilemma is: he wants to move clear across the country to the west coast from the mid-west. His friend proposed a fantastic living arrangement and he would very easily be able to transfer his job. He isn’t unhappy with his current living situation, but has always liked the idea of moving, and being young and single, now would be the time to do a major like this. The move would be about 9 months away, conveniently the same time his lease comes up. He did half jokingly threw out while he was excitedly telling me his idea “why don’t you and your friends move out there, too?” I am not sure if that was just a comment to see what my reaction would be or not. I guess I really didn’t know what to say, and I told him that he just kind of caught me off guard. Say we do stay together over the course of the next 9 months and become more emotionally involved, then what? Either I move with him or get my heart broken. The possibility of me moving is not feasible. To clarify, this move is not 100% final, but serious thought has been put into this. I know him well enough to know he doesn’t just throw things out there…if he says he is thinking about doing something, the possibility of him moving away is very high. So what now? I know our relationship is so new and neither of us really has a lot invested; should I consider walking away with my heart intact or take the risk of becoming attached and risk him moving?

Tough situation!
Let's say things do continue to go well, but he moves. Would you consider moving to where he is going? If that's not even a remote possibility, then I'm not sure continuing to see him makes sense.
If you would not move, then I think continuing to see him until his decision about the move is positive, one way or the other, could be a good course of action...alternatively, you could cut things off for the moment and ask him to call you if he decides NOT to move.
Sheri
I have found myself in a similar situation. Correction, I am IN a similar situation!
I'll lay out the story in more detail below but a few bullet points. I got involved with a guy that I knew from the very start would end in August. Yes, this month. I knew what his intentions were and I knew that he had a plan that he was not going to mess with. As much as I hoped that he would fall madly in love with me and change his plans, that hasn't happened. There's a great deal of love and respect but he is laser focused on his goals and I suppose is "just not that into me" enough to modify them at this time. I knew exactly what I was getting into, so I can't get angry at him. Am I hurt? Sure! Angry at him? Can't be. I chose to be here.
Some of this is taken from another post from a couple of weeks ago so I apologize for the redundancy!
Nearly a year ago the company I worked for shut down our local branch and offered me a position in another state, which I took.
My 6 year old daughter and I moved in with my friend whom I have known for about 15 years under the assumption it was only until my house sold and I could get my own place. That is a whole other story in and of itself that I won't get into but I will say this: you NEVER really know someone until you live with them! So I move in and she informs me that (ok, might get confusing here) her friend's husband was down here going to a trade school and that he and a classmate were going to park a camping trailer in the back yard where there are RV hook ups and rent from us for the remainder of school. Sounds pretty white trash but hey, what are you gonna do?! :-)
We'll call these guys David (married guy) and Peter (classmate). So in October they became our "2 trailer park boys". Davis is an RN and worked nights while going to school, my roommate, we'll call her Veruca (you know, the spoiled brat in Willy Wonka) has two kids (can't stand them!) that live with dad half the time so when they're not here she goes to her b/f's house. That would leave me and Peter to hang out alone a lot.
I thought this guy was hot hot hot from the very first time I laid eyes on him and quickly began to see that he was much more than a pretty face. On the weekends we would stay up late, watching movies, talking, just hanging out. The more we talked, the more I grew to like him and I could tell that there was a mutual attraction. After of about 6 weeks of us hanging out our relationship turned physical. Yowza!!
We have had a nice thing going. We look out for each other and enjoy each other and respect each other very much. He has kept me sane thru a *very* difficult time with Veruca and has helped me grow as a woman and a mother. In many ways we have challenged each other to be better people. He has allowed me to remember, or possibly realize for the first time, that I am a very good person and deserve to be loved.
BUT he has a plan that can't be messed with! How infuriating! Here I am sitting here in what is the kindest, most respectful, loving r'ship of my life and HE'S LEAVING! I'm pretty certain that this has been one of, if not *the*, healthiest r'ship he's been in, too. Yet it's SO unconventional!
He graduates tomorrow and leaves next week. Part of me is so happy for him for being one step closer to finding his happiness. Part of me is broken hearted that he will be gone. All of me hopes that he will carry on with his plan and in doing so realize that it doesn't mean as much with out us. I understand that he HAS to leave and at this point I would almost be disappointed in him if he got himself this far only to stay here at the last minute. His dedication to himself and his dream is part of what I love about him. And I hope that I can give him my support, while still expressing how much I am going to miss him and how much he means to me. I hope that he understands that because I love him, I want what's best for him, and in being free to choose his own path with out guilt or manipulation from me, decides that he wants me. That all remains to be seen.
I have gained SO much from this man. I have learned what it is to be in a r'ship that was founded on friendship. I have learned what it is like to be loved not by hearing the words but by seeing the actions.
Had I chosen to not pursue anything with him I would have missed out on SO much. But the flip side is that now I have something to long for and hurt over that wasn't there before. It's a Catch 22 but, for me, it was worth the risk of heartbreak for what I've gotten in return.
It's a strange thing to be in a relationship with an expiration date. I can't say that I have advice as to what you should do because only you can decide that but I thought I'd share my story since it seems to apply. Plus, I'm consumed by the whole thing and writing/talking about it helps put things into perspective!!
Good luck discovering what will work for you!!!
There are no guarantees in any realtionship. If fact there are no guarantees in anything. If you enjoy this man and have fun with this man - why end it now - you never know what is going to happen..
My current BF and I met when he ws applying to business school - I was crushed - he going to leave at a certain date - I should just end it now.... I didn't because no matter what happended in the end I knew that worse case scenerio - I would have a friend.
He went to business school and we are still together - now on the same coast and when he is done at the end of this upcoming year we will be in the same town.
You know what everyday we have together - we just enjoy it and be happy that we can see eachother at this moment.
If you don't put your heart out there you will never know how great it is to feel love and be loved. And with every heartache your heart just gets that much bigger, wiser and more understanding.
Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.
Good Luck