No Passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2003
No Passion
3
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 5:16pm

Any thoughts or input would be appreciated!

I'm 30 and I've been dating a guy for about a year now. This is the first real stable relationship I've ever been in (I had a tendency in the past to be attracted to men who treated me like crap). He is a great guy and treats me like a queen. I feel like I can trust him (something I don't think I've ever experienced), I can be myself around him, he's thoughtful and considerate, loves kids, and everybody I know thinks we're perfect for each other. I know--what's the problem?!

Since day one, I've never felt the "spark" I've felt with other guys I've dated...and it just doesn't seem like there's any passion in the relationship. I realize that maybe I'm bored because he doesn't have those "bad boy" qualities, and that the problem is really me. But what else bothers me is that he works horrendously long days, 6 days a week---so when we do get to spend time together a couple times a week...he's so tired from working that all he ever wants to do is relax and watch TV and then he falls asleep within a couple hours. On top of that, we don't have many similar interests, so things we would like to do together are pretty limited. All in all, the relationship seems to be kinda ho-hum. It's just hard to imagine building a life together with a man who's working all the time and doesn't like to do the same things you do.

I don't know--like I said, I've never been in a relationship with a nice guy before...maybe this is the way it's supposed to be (life isn't always parties and fireworks). What would you other ladies be doing in my situation? Would you try to find somebody a little more suited to you? Or is this a relationship worth working on and staying in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: dbuesing
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 8:46pm
I want to ask you this, what do you want for the future? Do you want a family and to live stable when he comes up fromt hose hours and have a life? Or do you want a guy who works when he wants but paties with you now? Ok, I will say I am a single mom and from experience I have noticed that guys who save and work hard early many times are looking to save for the future. Decide right now since you are 30 and ask him about the future and not focus on now.



































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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2003
In reply to: dbuesing
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 11:06pm
Thanks for your reply. I do think about the future and one of my concerns is that since he does work so much and can't seem to keep still (if he's not working his regular job, he's off helping his dad or his buddies)...that if we did get married and have kids, he wouldn't be around much to spend time with them. My own father was like that, and while I appreciate all the hard work he did for us, I also wish he would've been able to do more stuff with us. As far as spending time together with my boyfriend...I don't mind doing things without him, but it just would be nice to find a few things we could do together. There's a lot he hasn't experienced (traveling, camping, amusement parks) that I think would be fun to do together, but he never seems to be up for a mini-adventure and that concerns me. I guess I'm afraid of getting bored of him, even though he is such a good guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
In reply to: dbuesing
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:49am

ugh. i'm sorry - i would get out of it if i were you. it's great that he treats you well, and that's very important, but that's not enough all by itself. you also need compatibility. it's no one's fault - you're just not compatible people. you don't have compatible ideas of "fun." fun to him = work. you said it yourself, when he's not at his job, he's off working with his buddies, for FUN. right? fun to you = camping, travel, amusement parks, etc. that is a fundamental incompatibility between the two of you. you can try to work around it, but that means your entire relationship will be based on compromise. i mean, a little compromising is necessary in any relationship... if his idea of fun was going to the beach and yours was camping, well, you could work with that. but the two of you are too different, IMO.

that is no one's fault. he's a great guy and he'll make a great mate for someone - as will you. don't you go telling yourself that you somehow failed here because you can't make it work with a nice guy. (i sense you have a tendency to blame yourself for stuff.) that's not the problem here. you just need to find a nice guy, a good hard-working guy, who ALSO considers it fun to go on the occasional adventure. then you'll start having fun together and you'll find the relationship much more satisfying.

just my two cents.