Should I be more patient?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 08-15-2005 - 2:11pm |
Here's quick background:
Boyfriend (BF) and I had been together for 1 year 3 months when we broke up. We had been living together for about a year. I decided to leave because after about 1 year, BF could not commit to wanting to be with me- he was always honest about that... he wasn't sure if we were compatible for a long-term relationship in his mind. He felt we were ok, but not great. I always felt like we would be great long-term. So I finally left 3 months later because I decided that I wanted to be with someone who KNEW FOR SURE that they wanted to be with me.
After 2 weeks apart, BF realizes that he wants to be with me. At first, I wasn't believing him. He is in his late 30s, so I figured he might just be mid-lifing and thinking, "oh no, i have to start dating all over again, or she really wasn't too bad," etc. But after two months of him wanting to reconcile, I agree. AND it's been really good. He has completely changed with regard to showing his feelings. It's been almost 3 months since we've reconciled. He tells me he loves me all of the time. He says that he doesn't want to be without me or lose me. He says that he didn't realize how important I was to him until I wasn't around anymore.
I think part of our problem before was that we were living in a small one bedroom apartment, and were practically on top of each other all of the time, tripping over each other- just not enough space- physically or mentally. So I've been living at my own place ever since the split, and it's been good. We spend tons of time together now, and most nights, but we are able to have space when needed.
So now about my patience...
BF has been great with the little things- he's shown a big change. But part of me wants to know for sure that we are moving forward in the relationship- eventually towards marriage. I think we should be at a point where we can decide that either we see marriage in the future (I'm not saying tomrorow... just that it can be seen) or that we don't. I'm almost 30, and I don't have interest in just dating people for years. If there is no potential for moving forward, then I don't want to be in the relationship. I think if my BF would just say that he sees himself marrying me sometime in the future that would put me at ease. Just to know that he is thinking of it in some way... We were together 1 yr 3 mos, before the separation, and now another 3 mos... so in total 1.5yrs.
He has mentioned moving in together again, but I'm hesitant to do this until I know for sure that he sees marriage in the cards. But how do I tell him that that is the reason that I won't move in? It will sound like I'm trying to force him which I don't want. Should I say something to him about how I'm feeling? If so, how? I don't want to push him towards something he doesn't want. I don't want him to think that I'm giving him an ultimatum because I wouldn't do that. I don't want to be someone that I have to force into a decision.

I personally would have discussed that before getting back together. But since you didn't, yes, I would definitely bring it up now. Just let him know that marriage is important to you and that's what you want...that's not "pushing" him or giving him an ultimatum, it's just putting your cards on the table.
I would not move in together again until you're engaged with a firm wedding date set.
Sheri
Thanks for the feedback, Sheri.
You are right that I should have discussed this prior to getting back together. I assumed that when he said he always wanted to be with me, that marriage would be part of it. But now after 3 months, and not hearing about marriage specifically, I'm not so sure.
As far as letting him know about the importance to me of marriage, should I tell him and then just wait for a bit? I guess this is where the impatience comes in to play. I've told myself that I would give it 6 months (so 3 more months to go) to hear from him about marriage, and if I didn't then I would tell him that I would have to know something for sure- but then that sounds like an ultimatum- ugh! Vicious Circle. ;)
I agree with Sheri, and to expand on that.....
I believe, you telling him that you feel it's best NOT to move in again, until there's a ring and date set, isn't an ultimatum. However, let him know that you're choosing this route THIS TIME because you don't want to repeat what happened before (being in a r'ship w/o any marriage in sight).
Also, to have a good r'ship, you have to be able to communicate. If you're scared of talking to him, in FEAR that he may think you mean something else, obviously, you two need to work on communications.
I'd also point out to him, that all r'ships need to grow, or they will become stagnate, or even move backwards. Without growth, what do you have? nothing. In r'ships, you should also agree on what you want, even if it's just the IDEA of moving forward, and progressing to marriage.
i.e. my bf didn't want to commit to me cuz of his weird idea of what commitment was (which was seeing each other EVERY day from then on out). I told him that's not commitment to me and told him, commitment to me, is EXACTLY what we have now, however, we both are agreeing that we want this r'ship to ONE DAY progress to marriage.
I would tell your bf that, and if he does want to ONE DAY progress to marriage, great. Then tell him you'd like to revisit this talk in 6 months. AT that 6 months, is the point when you should start talking more seriously about the STEPS that will be taken to get to marriage. However, if he tells you he can't even tell you he wnats to marry you...then I would ask yourself, do you want to be with this man, who doesn't even know if he wants to marry you?
Make sure he KNOWS that when you say PROGRESS to marriage, it doesnt' mean that saying you want that is a proposal. I guess, you have to be CLEAR and make sure HE understands that talking about WANTING to be married ONE DAY, isn't proposing. However, if he for sure doesn't want marriage, then it's something for you to decide what YOU want.
Hugs and good luck.
~pineapple_girl
I would think that talking to him about it would start a dialogue and you'd find out what he's thinking about with respect to marrying you also.
Sheri
Hi tell_me,
You said << He has mentioned moving in together again, but I'm hesitant to do this until I know for sure that he sees marriage in the cards. But how do I tell him that that is the reason that I won't move in? >>
Yes, you DO tell him this ... because marriage is what you want ... and because you've now recognized that living together isn't a committment for marriage. Use what has happened before as a lesson ... if you move back in together without addressing this ... you'll be back at square one. Just because things are going well again ... doesn't mean that you have to live together ... in fact, not living together is the opposite of forcing it ... it's allowing it to take its natural course rather than rushing the living together part.
Take a read on this post, which definitely addresses the assumption that many women make when moving in together prior to committment:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlguytalk/?msg=24140.4
Good luck! !
I would not let him move in again unless you get engaged.
He already knows you want to get married. Men assume that you want to get married and they try to skirt the issue for as long as possible.
I think you should take deep breath and get out and have some fun without him. I'm not talking about dating other people, but get busy doing other things so you don't think about him so much.
Make yourself just a little less available. He seemed to miss you when you were separated. Let him miss you just a bit day-to-day and see if he wants something more. If not, throw him back and keep looking.
do you belive he is the one for you? Are you hesistant or trying to feel out what hes feeling? If you answer yes to either, then ask yourself again w/o thinking of what your bf wants or you think he feels.
Honestly, if in your heart and soul you feel he is the one - then don't let it bother you. Be patient and he'll come around. If you are hesitant on answering this quest with a confident yes, then talk/figure out what you want to do, wait around or leave. I would think about what YOU feel before talking to him. You are going to be pursuaded by his thoughts w/o knowing yours if you talk to him before you can answer that quest with ONLY your thoughts...