Hidden meaning

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Hidden meaning
5
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 11:08am
this morning i called my sweetie to say that i've been thinking about him and i miss him. while these feelings are valid; truth be told i also want to have se* w/him but just didn't want to say it so bluntly. i often heard that sometimes its just better to say what's on your mind and then let whatever happens-happen. but i'm the type of person that beats around the bush alot and sometimes it takes me longer to speak my mind. we didn't end the conversation on a good note per say, so i'm not sure what my next step should be or if there should be a next step. what do you suppose i do?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 11:34am

Is this the same guy you basically told that you didn't want to be just a booty call? Has he actually taken you out, or have you decided you're ok with booty call status? If so, I think just calling him up and saying that you want to have sex with him would get you what you want. The fact that you didn't end the conversation on a good note won't matter to him since he'll be getting to have sex ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:42pm

hi sheri,

yes, this is the same guy. yes, we've been out numerous times. we've talked about the status of our relationship and we both agreed to take it slow and see where it goes; that's one of the reasons why i didn't tell him flat out that i wanted to have se* w/him b/c i didn't want him to think that she tells me one thing and does another. i'm trying to stay consistent, even though in my heart of hearts i would love to test the waters again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:57pm

jones,

If you like him but he's taking it slower letting you know how he feels, than I would not have sex with him, unless you want to risk becoming friends with benefits/booty call girl for him.
IMHO a couple shouldn't have sex until AT LEAST there is some kind of committment there, not just a month or two of dating and a few, "I like you's". To me that's setting yourself up for potential pain. You are giving him sex too soon, and once he gets it, what does he have to work for? If he's like many guys, nothing. He has sex, so the relationship could stagnate from your point of view because he's mostly there for the sex. Maybe I'm wrong, cuz I don't know him, but a lot of my guy friends are like that (sadly). However, he sounds like he's not ready for a committment yet, so you probably shouldn't be ready to give him sex just yet.

-MFG

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 1:24pm

In that case, I would definitely keep a lid on your libido until at least your next date.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 7:29pm

is the relationship satisfying to you right now? I don t know your entire situation, but Ive been there and seen many others be where you are now. Limbo.

If I could go back to the dating senarios I had just like yours , I would tell my past self that life is too short to stay in a situation where I am not getting what I want. In the end, every situation I've had like yours (the guy loved me/cared about me, but didn't want to committ) its ended without a relationship and me feeling rejected and hurt.... - yet I hung on until the very last moment hoping and wishing. It never happened, that committed relationship w/ the guy who really loved and cared for me. the guy who I thought in the back of mind if I held on one more day, he'd committ.

Truth is Jones, I'm sure he is a decent guy and cares for you, but he'll never know that he truly wants to be with you unless you put your foot down. Its utterly difficult to do so because you are scared you will loose him this way - but its the opposite. Once he sees life without you there - he will be forced to make that choice. Right now, he does not have to. Subconsciously, he is content, so his mind really does not have to make the choice to committ. Why would he? Men are such different creatures and I have yet to figure them out - but I do know this fact - a man will not committ in limbo (there are exceptions, but they are few and far between).

You asked what you shoudl do? Put your foot down, and put some space between you and he. Don't use the excuse "friends" because you are not - you want a relationship. Simple as that. Don't call him, dont send emails. Start calling your friends and making your schedule very busy and fun. It'll be hard at first, but he'll start to miss you. He'll call you. Hopefully you wont be availabe to hang out. He'll start to MAKE the choice of whether he wants to commit or not. if its not committ, well then you have your answer. But if you stay the way you are, you will go through so many up/downs until the time you say "ive had enough" - that could easily be 6 months down the line. 6 months that you could've been available to someone else you will committ to you.

My two cents for you.