should i take him back?
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| Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:39pm |
my boyfriend and i have known each other for three years. we been on the dating merry-go round. it started when his older brother asked me out. i said no, then he asked me out and i said no. this continued for two years. last summer i dated their cousin, and on my birthday he called and told me he was cheating on me. inevitably we broke up. i've dated other people, but my bf, we'll call him thomas, and i kind of drifted apart. around december we started talking again, he was in an abusive relationship. they broke up, and we just became close friends. he asked me out again, and this time i said yes. we dated for about a month and then he said it needed to end because he was not over his ex. 3 days later we were both in boston (out of town) and he told me he was an idiot and that was a lie. he really cared about me but was scared about how serious our relationship was becoming. i was hesitant at first, but we started going out again. around a month later he broke up with me again... but this time it was a little bit different. for the past three years i have always contended that serious relationships are detrimental and no one really knows what love is. this is why he broke up with me, he said he wanted a serious relationship and that i wasn't willing to give it to him. the funny thing is two days before i figured out i was in love with him, and that my previous theory was wrong. i didn't tell him that though. that weekend, i asked him if he would talk to me, we met at the local park and i asked him if he cared that he hurt me. he said no he never cared about me, but was using me to get over his ex. and that he is still in love with her. i turned to him and told him i loved him. he just got up and left. so we were broken up for a month. whatever. his ex started talking to me telling me they weren't hanging out and that thomas was in love with me. around a month later, we were at a banquet and he brought me a bouquet of flowers. that night he asked to talk to me, and he just sat there apologizing for about 3 hours, and told me he loved me. we started dating again. since then i have been hospitalized (not b.c of him, i was in a severe car accident) and i've had surgery and he stayed with me. he didn't go to school for a week and just stayed with me and took care of me. we've spent the entire summer together and practically have been inseperable. i had to go out of town for a month this summer, and while i was gone he called me and broke up with me over the phone and said he is deeply in love with me but he can't do the relationship anymore, bc he's come to accept his identity as being with me rather than being a person. once this happened i came to realize that maybe i didn't love him, maybe i loved the relationship. he was the first person i had sex with, the person who loved me, the first person i loved. well this continued for about a month. last week i had to see him for the first time, i walked into to the room (about 15 other ppl were there) and it hurt but i was ok with it. i got a job and started working all the time. a couple days later i went on a terrible date, and started to wonder if i actually wanted thomas back. that night i did something really stupid and hooked up with his cousin again. afterwards i realized i still loved thomas and i wanted him back. a have a few female friends that continued to tell me that this was just part of getting over him, and that i should never go back to him, that i deserve better than that. ironically when i got home, he had IM ed me and basically told me that he is sorry he hurt me, and that i looked incredible the other day, and that he loves me. i told him no, i'm not doing this again. and he asked me why. obviously i told him that i'm afraid he's going to pull it again etc. he asked me if i still loved him, i told him i did... we ended up talking on the phone for 8 hours that night. he asked if he could come see me the next day. well he came over to my house and we were just talking and he kissed me. at the time all i could think was wow, this feels so right. and we spent the entire day together. the next day we did as well. every so often he would just stare at me, and tell me how incredible i am and that he loves me. Well need less to say our friends found out that we are going back out and my friends now refuse to talk to me and continue to yell at me and tell me thati just justified the way he treated me by taking him back. so i always ask them what i should do then or what makes them so aprehensive, and every single time they say it's not my place. so usually i get reather irritated and ask them why it's ok for them to tell me who to date and how to date them but not to answer questions when i have them. they usually just get pissed off and storm away. well, The next day we hung out all day as well... this brings us to yesterday. yesterday my car broke down and long story short he came and took care of me, i had to go to work, and he said he wanted to hang out later. i called him when i got off and he said he couldn't see me, i didn't think anything of it cuz we have spent so much time together. today when i saw him he said we couldn't hang out tonight and that he was going to play poker. again i want to believe that it's not a big deal that he's just hanging out with the boys. but this afternoon one of my friends, whitney, told me this is a mistake and that eric is going to hurt me, i asked him how she knew and she said she couldn't say. and so the natural response was, u mean someone told u something u can't tell me or u have a feeling sbut don't know hoe to formulate it? she just said it wasn't her buisness and that i was going to get hurt. she walked away crying. what bothers me is that 1. my friends are making me choose them or thomas. 2. they act like they know something and won't tell me; and the only thing i think is that if they truely care about me and truely don't want me to get hurt, why wouldn't they tell me? 3. i'm wondering if thomas is going to do it again 4. if him not seeing me two nights in a row is an indicator or me just over-reacting.
i'm sorry this is so long, i kind of just got everything off of my chest. if u have any comments or suggestions, PLEASE let me know!

WOW!! Can I relate to you!
Honestly, I would end it with this guy if I were you. He's just pulling your chain obvioulsy. He doesn't know what he wants. He keeps lying to you and telling you that what he said before was a lie. If he's gonna tell the truth he should just tell it. I know how hard it is to let someone go b/c you love him. I really do know what that's like I'm going through the same situation, but I decided last night it was over btwn us compeletely. You can't depend on someone who's going to be constantly lying to you. How will you know when he's being honest? It's truly not fair to you. Your friends must know something important for one of them to be crying. Perhaps you should confront him and say "is there anything you want to tell me?" If he doesn't respond beg your friends to tell you. Isn't it better to know the truth than to live in a lie? The truth hurts yes but what's better pain off and on or pain that will subside eventually? Wouldn't you rather be spending your time with someone who would actually appreciate you and not keep things from you? Believe me there are guys out there that are like that. My best friend found one and other friends of mine have so why can't you or I? Think about it.
Steph
Hey,
I was researching last night about this situation that we are both in after having a long talk with my best friend. I came to realize that there was nothing about him that really attracted me. He's kept things from me to the point of where I wonder if I ever really knew him. I looked online and came up with Relationship Addict. I have a few links and just see if you agree with any of these. It may be hard to realize the truth but think about it.
http://www.visioform.com/info/relationship-addiction-l.htm
http://www.health24.com/Woman/Relationships/711-724-726,13108.asp
I had another one, but I can't find it. If I do I'll post it.
Chalbert,
Yeah, I agree that you should end this once and for all. He sounds like a great guy, but the key to his behavior is that he's very immature. It's not even his fault really, it's just where he is in life right now. He does have feelings of love for you, but he's not really sure how or why, and he can't explain it. Other than these unexplainable feelings (underdeveloped love in a very immature state) he's not sure why he's with you. Because of his immaturity he won't be ready for a serious, committed, LONG TERM (past 2 or 3 months) relationship until he grows up. (This could take years.) He sounds like he's fresh outta' high school or something. Let him go at least for a few years until he grows up. There's no need to waste your time on guys who aren't mature enough. It's really not his fault that much. He just doesn't have the capacity to feel a true, sustainable love for anyone yet, probably not even himself.
So let him go and just focus on you for now. The right guy will come along, it's just not him... not now anyway.
-MFG
Chalbert,
I took the time to read all of what you wrote. There was one portion of your post that really stood out loud and clear beyond anything else you wrote and here it is:
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This part of what you wrote really sickened me. Although you sound very young and like you've been through a lot with this guy, honestly, admitting that he never cared about you but was only using you to get over his ex would've absolutely taken my breath away and made me NEVER want to speak to him again. How you were able to keep your composure and still reiterate that you loved him is just beyond me.
I know much has happened since he made that statement, but think about it, if you had a daughter, would you want her to date and seek to build a future with a young man who admitted to NEVER CARING ABOUT HER and just USING HER to get over an ex?!! I think not.
Please, forget about this guy and just move on. The two of you have already been through enough drama to last a lifetime.
Take care,
Heymum
Edited 8/18/2005 2:32 pm ET ET by heymum