Action vs Words Part II

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Action vs Words Part II
16
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 3:22pm

I didn't want to highjack the other board but I have my own dilemma in which I would like an honest male opinion and females for that matter. I've been seeing a man for five months. We have an open and somewhat honest relationship. He's very upfront and honest with me even if it hurts, and I've told him I admire his honesty. I KNOW he sleeps with three other women. One is in the process of a divorce, one is just there, and the other he's had a convenience with for over two years. Then I come into the picture. I knew what he was all about. I knew he slept around (and yes, we're safe), and that's why I point blank asked him "how many are there?" He also knows I'm an intelligent woman, and he can't get away with much. Small town--can't lie. We're both in our late forties and divorced--me of one year, he of nine. He has grown children; I have a teenage daughter. He lives a very active life and doesn't really "date" so to speak. If somebody calls him to have a drink or get a bite to eat, he'll take her up on it as long as he's not "busy". He and I normally hook up to have a drink. He's very comfortable talking to me about his ex-wife. We lived in similar situations and have a lot in common. We get along and basically don't fight except......

My problem....I have no problem with him sleeping with two of the women. I don't know them. I've never seen them. I have a problem with the third woman. She is the one he takes to social functions if he needs a date. I've never been taken, however, he doesn't have many social functions to attend. But when he does, he takes her. She'll call him; he takes her to grab a bite to eat. I don't call men for invites. Shame on me I guess. I've asked him why is it that he can take her places but not me? His reply was he never thought about it because he doesn't ask. She always does the asking. Sometimes I think he holds back because I'm newly divorced, we live in a small town, and because of my teenage daughter.

Anyway, we've talked about the next level and both of us agree we don't want to go there. We enjoy each other's company, we have fun when we're with each other, and have great sex. He says he enjoys being with me, loves my personality, and that I'm free spirited and fun. All of his actions (around me that other people don't see) speak clearly louder than his words. Many people judge him; say he's a player, a womanizer, only after one-night stands, etc. These people haven't had the conversations with him that I have.

I just have this problem with this other woman. I know I'll never get exclusivity from him, and to be honest, if someone else came along for me, I'd have someone else in my life too. Both of us don't want commitment. I guess I just want acknowledgement. Sometimes he seems like "he's into me" and other times it's like "what the hell". What happened to us looking like the happy little couple? People say it's just a "booty call". I say it's a FWB relationship. No matter, we're two adults with needs and we fulfill each other's needs, and he fulfills a void for me. BUT AGAIN, I've got this problem with this other woman. I know I'll be hurt with holidays coming up where he'll need a date and he may ask her. I don't want to get hurt.

I'm just new into this dating thing. Do people sleep with other people as they date and this is okay? I'm not a teenage anymore and it's been too long; I just forget. Help?!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 3:33pm
THIS IS NOT OK!!! How can you be ok with him sleeping with other women when he's with you? Is that really the type of r'ship you want? Really, you are worth so much more than that, and there is a guy that will want you and only you. Don't waste your time on this a$$hole!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 3:48pm
LOL! Now I've got strangers telling me what all my friends and acquaintances tell me. I guess I just thought that's what a FWB relationship was about. No commitment, date who you want to date, sleep with whomever. Yet I'm only sleeping with him and I'll never get myself into this type of situation again. I guess maybe it's making me stronger, living and learning so to speak. And I KNOW I'm worth more. I just can't help it that he's filling a void I have right now. I enjoy his company. Just shoot me in the head!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:13pm

Hey, if people can do that and be ok with it, more power to them! I personally could NOT, even if I didn't want a committed r'ship...I'd still need to have sexual monogamy for so long as we were sleeping together (it's the "ick" factor, for me). I think your situation is pretty rare (that you know about it and are mostly ok with it)...most women I know would not be cool with it.

So, to answer your question, I would say, no, your set-up isn't very common.

As for the situation with going out socially, I'd say that if you want to do that with him, you'll have to initiate like the other woman does. And I don't think you can avoid being hurt unless you can adjust your thinking to be ok with every aspect of this relationship, her included.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:19pm
are you kidding me? not its not ok when you start feeling like you are not getting what you want. i think its a dangerous game to play with your emotions and mental health. If you are in it for casual stuff, ok... but you are not. I'd cut him off
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:32pm

>>>most women I know would not be cool with it.<<< The other women that he is with aren't cool with it. I'm the only one that knows he sleeps around. He lies to the other ones, and then when they find out, they fight about it. I told him no intelligent woman would fight with a man over another woman. Things should progress naturally. Which is why I posted this because I seem to recall in the last post from "midwestflyguy", he was saying something about giving things a chance and letting things progress naturally. That life is a journey and you have to take chances. I keep thinking that something may develop over this in time. And then I throw the "god has a path" ball into it and think "why?"

I know. Most women think I'm insane. I just want an upfront and honest relationship, which he and I have. He doesn't have this with the other women.

Sometimes when I look at things in black and white, like posting here, I answer my own questions, but advice is always so helpful.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:44pm

I don't want to put words in MWFG's mouth, but I read his posts to mean that things should be allowed to progress naturally IF, and I can't emphasize this enough...IF both parties to the relationship are at least *open* to the same end goal.

The guy you're involved with doesn't want anything more serious than what you have now. Waiting around for things to "develop" will just be an exercise in frustration for you.

And personally, I wouldn't be to handle the fact that this guy lies to the other women. That's a character flaw that just is not acceptable to me. I would be too worried that eventually he'd lie to me too.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:52pm

I'm confused. You don't like that your FWB goes out with another woman to social functions, yet you are 100% okay with not having a commitment to this man, that it's sex only.

So, my question is. What is the problem? As a FWB, you have no rights to social events, no rights to his time, nothing. All you are is someone he enjoys hanging out with, but having sex with too.

What do you TRULY want? You said nothing, so why are you upset that he's acting more like a r'ship with this other woman. I hope you do NOT expect this FWB to go anywhere, because it won't.

I think, what you need to do, is get your terminology straight. A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS, means that you are NOT a couple. You DO things together AS friends but at the end of the day/night, you also have sex. You are NOT a couple. I repeat you are NOT a couple.

Therefore..............if you even EXPECT to ACT like anything more than a FRIEND to this man, you are setting yourself up for some MAJOR heartache (cuz that means you're lying to yourself about what you TRULY want from this "r'ship").

Lastly. You are NOT dating this man. You are in fact a FWB. Nothing more, nothing less. A booty call that you hang out with.

Dating CAN involve sex, but normally, it also involves wanting the same thing eventually, an exclusive r'ship. You have neither.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 4:57pm

I've thought about the lieing part. I know. He could eventually do that to me. We have talked and were open about where this may go. I asked him why he feels the need to sleep with other women. He says he guesses he's just looking for the right one. And I asked what he would do if he found the right one. He said right now he's not ready to settle, but in about five years, when his kids are in their mid twenties and he doesn't have to worry, then he'll think of himself and settling. But for the time being, he's still looking for the right one for that time. Dah! Whatever! And what am I? How about "a possibility"! I remind him a lot of his ex-wife. And considering he and I were both in the same type of relationship and possibly we've learned from that, then.....maybe??

I'm so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 5:21pm

If he's LOOKING for the right one, then sorry to say, but you are NOT it. If you WERE it, he'd say so and he'd tell you he's not ready for a r'ship WITH YOU right now, but maybe later.

But, so far, he's told you he's waiting for the right one, not actively looking, haven't found it, and doesn't want a r'ship with you.

So, sorry to break the news, you are NOT a possibility. YOU ARE in fact, a woman he enjoys spending time with, and having sex with. Nothing more.

If that RIGHT ONE came along, I can promise you, you'd never hear from him again.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 5:47pm

Dearest September,

Honey, woah, woah, woah, WOAH!!! I am not trying to make you feel bad here, but you are definately, DEFINATELY doing the WRONG thing here. All the other posters are completely right, you are not a couple, there is a 99% chance you never will be, UNLESS you change your behavior with him. FYI, booty call and FWB are almost the same exact thing! FWB just gets a little extra time with him, but you are in no way a couple. You have ZERO claim on this guy's time, let alone any broad form of committment. He told you he sleeps with all these women, and when you didn't argue with it, he took that as complete acceptance by you. Now he thinks you are always going to be ok with this FWB relationship, and honey you are NOT. You think you are, but look deep down inside of you and you know you want just him. Now that you can accept that here's another thing to accept: This isn't a disaster waiting to happen, this is a disaster that has already happened. Again, this was over before it ever got started. He's got you right where he wants you and you've got no really good course of action to take to get him to change. All you can do is change your own behavior, but that probably won't change his. There is almost no chance of you two ending up together anytime in the next several years. Go find some other guy, cuz this one sucks.

Let me tell you straight up as a guy here: you do have a tiny itsy bitsy chance, but don't count on it. Accept this reality: if you want ANY chance with having a respectable relationship (let alone an exclusive one), stop giving him sex. That's all he wants from you, so why would he ever ask for more. You can spend time with him, but don't give him sex. (Plus IMHO he's a dirty pig...YUCK!!!) Tell him you thought it would work out this way but it's not working for you, and you'ld love to be friends with him still and even date him if he's willing, but until you get some kind of committment out of him, don't give him any more than just kisses. (I wouldn't even let him have that while he's with these other women.)

Let's get back to the topic at hand: ACTIONS VS. WORDS. Yes, technically he's been open and honest to you about his other women, but he's lied to them. Two words: RED FLAG! He has lied to you one way or another I guarantee it. For all you know he could be with even more women that you don't know about, or at least spending more time with them then you know etc. You just don't know, and it's pointless to speculate. He's lied to you LESS then the other women, but I guaranteee he's lied to you about something. This guy has it perfect: plenty of women not only willing to just be booty calls and FWB, but these women are chasing him...AGRESSIVELY! He has no need or desire to change his "wonderful" situation he's in. He's already had his family and kids, he's now divorced paying alimony/child support, so he's had that side of his life already. (plus, why would he want to go through another marriage when he's already paying his ex? He can have free sex with any one of you!) Now he's just on his own without anyone to keep him honest about anything, and he's clearly the most eligible bachelor in that town, and everyone knows it... even him! So he's just having the time of his life back there just letting the women come to him and practically begging to have sex with him, and fighting over him about it! Gosh, this guy is NOT going to change. Sorry. He just is not going to change his ways unless his sex dries up. Then he'll have to do the chasing, and the women wouldn't have to give it up to him whenever he wants, which means he would have to commit finally. That's the only way. However, I don't see the other women backing off him or cutting him off from sex, so even if you do back off, he probably still won't want to have a relationship with any of you that he's with. It's a no win situation.

Lastly, I feel that you took my words out of context in my other post. Yes, we need to let the process of life work through us and "enjoy the journey", but that applies to men who are committed to you or planning on being committed soon. This guy isn't even planning on it. This guy has the biggest, reddest flag of them all (short of being an axe murderer) He has all the sex he needs and no commitment. Until that situation ends for him and he wakes up to reality (or the women do), you will be getting nothing except sex from him. If you want to continue being one of his many sexual options and you understand that it will NEVER change from that, then by all means keep it up. He fills a void for you both emotionally and physically and if that's all you are ever going to expect from him, then don't change. But just by the mere fact that you are a woman with a heart, I know that is never going to be enough for you. Whether you can admit it or not, you want more. You don't care about the other two women because you know they aren't a real long term threat to your potential future together. This other woman that he keeps going with is since she's more aggressive and probably pretty attractive to him. She's going with him to social stuff and you know that if she weren't there that would be you with him. Then of course the other 2 women wouldn't matter to you. So you don't see it as you vs. 3 other women, you see it as you vs one other woman, that's why you have hope.

If I'm stuck in a small town with very bad prospects in the middle of nowhere, personally I would pack up and leave. No use waiting around for something that won't happen. But I'm sure moving is out of the question, so honey I don't know what to tell you. Just don't give him sex, or don't even give him the #$&%*&~! time of day. He's NOT the type of guy you want to be with, so don't fall for his charm and good looks. Look at his actions: He's sleeping with half the town including you. The other half are men! He's using you for sex and a little convsersation... hell, probably just sex. You'll never be more than that with him. I know it's hard, but get a grip and move on. You'll be better in the long run, I guarantee it. Don't compete over him, it only makes it worse.

So in conclusion, if you want any chance with him AT ALL, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM ANYMORE. If he sticks around and changes his ways for you then you know you might have something. If he keeps up his old behavior, then I was right and he's just looking for sex. If he wants more than sex, he knows where to find you. Plus, it wouldn't hurt for him to see you with other men around town, even if you're not interested in them. Just to send a message that you aren't like the other women chasing him. It'll give you back at least some dignity too.

Good Luck,
-MFG

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