Talking about the future -is it too soon

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Talking about the future -is it too soon
8
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 9:11am

OK - met this man a little over a month ago. A few weeks later I told him I needed to take a break, which was much needed. I had been in a relationship for 13 years before that w. my husband, separated one year. Then short 3-month relationship after that. So I needed the time to sort things out. We got back together and now I know I want the guy.

Last night he was at my house and saying how he would like to help me finish my basement, bring his big screen tv over etc.. but at the same time he keeps saying he can't wait to have his own place.. he just separated recently too, sold house, living w. parents for a few months to get back on his feet. I hinted that he should wait before he buy or build a house, hinting that eventually he could live with me. He explained that it was important for him to have his own place, that he can still see that our relationship is going somewhere, but it is still important to him to have his own place.

Being 37, and w. my experience knowing early on what I want in a man and in a relationship, I feel like I would like to know if we will eventually move to that next step, but it worries me that he wants his own place and I have my own house.. does that mean he is not as serious as me? At the beginning, I pulled away because HE is the one who was all into me.. now I feel the tables have turned.. says he wants to take things one day at a time, but still sees us together in his future too. He is not distant or anything, and even said he was falling in love with me. I just wonder if I'm just being too anxious.

Should I just back off or should I just try to at least get peace of mind that he eventually wants to make this serious? Or is it waaayy too soon to be discussing these things? I've a feeling he takes this seriously too, he's at my place 90% of the time, but the having his own house thing makes me wonder..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 10:57am

Good lawd!

What's your hurry? I think your best bet is to sloooowwwww down and give the guy and the relationship a chance. He sounds like he has a lot on his plate, esp. having just recently separated and sold his former home. I can certainly respect his desire to have his own place and think you should too.

Please allow this man time and space to formally tie up loose ends from his previous relationship before plunging head first into a live-in relationship with him. The two of you have only been dating for a little more than a month, which really isn't very long. You still have a ton of things to learn about him (habits, the way he lives and keeps his own space, whether he's a neatfreak, a slob or somewhere in between, how he handles his finances, etc.).

I think it's a good thing that he wants to live separately from you. Try to take things one day at a time and just go with the flow.

Good luck!

Heymum




Edited 8/18/2005 10:59 am ET ET by heymum
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 2:38pm

Thanks heymum

I agree, I guess I have to deal with my insecurities.. My husband of 13 years left me for another woman, and my first relationship after that (3 months) - he did the same thing.. so now I am a bit insecure and realize it is not helping my case. I just don't know how to back off, it felt so good meeting someone who was really into me, that I want to hold on to him for dear life.. I'm just so scared

r

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 3:36pm

rapunzele...

First...Pianoguy thinks you have a very interesting ivillage user name. Too bad there's no profile on you!

Considering the fact that this man (whom YOU feel is "Mr. Right") wants the security of his own place....shouldn't surprise you at all! You told him to "back off" for a few weeks! So why should the man risk the possibility of a 2nd rejection?

This is the reason he wants the "security" of his own place!

You might have the most sincere feelings a woman can possibly have for a man, but when we've been 'spurned' (even if for a brief period of time), we're not going to ignore the possibility of this happening A 2ND TIME!

Why not let him help you finish the basement WITHOUT ANY FURTHER EXPECTATIONS? When the project is almost completed, you can bring up the subject of co-habitation again?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 3:51pm

Rapunzele,

I understand your anxiety, fears and desire to have a happy and successful relationship. Being with men who cheat is more about them and their warped values than anything else. People cheat not because anyone drives them to cheat but because they are dishonest people who don't realize the value and importance of ending one relationship before beginning another.

As for not knowing how to back off, maybe the following will help:

You say it felt so good meeting someone who was really into you and you want to hold on to him for dear life. But how much do you really know about him? Think about it -- most relationships start out really great. Both individuals are on their best behavior, making sure to put their best foot forward. It usually takes a few months, anywhere from 3 to 9 months before the person's true colors begin to surface. What you're seeing of him now could be genuine, but then again it may not be. The truth is Rapunzele, he could be ANYTHING. He could be irresponsible with his finances or in other areas of his life. He could be verbally and emotionally abusive, but hiding that facet of his personality and character from you so that you only see the good in him for now. He could have control or jealousy issues or think men are superior to women. You need to see the good as well as the not-so-good so you can be smart about things.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to paint an ugly picture of him -- just trying to show you that "everything that glistens is not gold." Again, take it slow by taking each day as it comes and allowing him the privilege and fun of pursuing you. Let him be the one to call you. Keep things light and simple, and allow him time to reveal to you his true character/personality and who he REALLY is.

You may end up feeling completely different about him in another 9 or 10 months. What you feel for him could deepen and grow, or you could find being in a relationship with him ain't even worth the dust under your feet.

Take care and be strong....
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 6:57pm

Hi Pianoguy,

Thanks for responding to my post. What you say makes sense. My 'stepping back' was very temporary, and at the very beginning.. I just wanted to make sure that this is what I wanted because he was telling me he could very easily fall for me, and I didn't want to play games with him if I wasn't a 100% sure. But I see your point and I appreciate your sharing it with me. It is very valid.

I have since reiterated how sorry I was to have made a little issue over this, and told him that I could not believe I even thought of that and didn't know what got into me, and that he was right in that it is still early in our relationship. We have discussed briefly and he said he would love to possibly move in together sometime in the future, but to enjoy each other's company until we feel the timing is right. I told him I totally agreed with that, so phew! Then he told me again that he loved me.. It felt good hearing that.

Your last suggestion is an excellent one. He told me if I had the material and told him to go ahead he would start working on my basement in a heartbeat, and that it would make an excellent winter project. So I think we might just do that. And then I'll wait for HIM to bring up the subject again if and when he feels like it. Now he knows I'd be up for it. (I also felt it was important to let him know that I feel seriously about him after like you say, I 'spurned' him). So that being said, I will now take it easy knowing how he feels about things, at least it takes away the 'wondering' whether if he sees our relationship going somewhere or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 7:03pm

Hi Heymum,

Thanks again for your reply. You are absolutely right. There is no way after a month and a half that you can know a person. I agree with you 100%.

Of course I realize it would be waaay too soon to move in together. As I told pianoguy in my previous post, I think just knowing that he is at least considering that option for the future is comforting. There is nothing worse than not knowing a person's future intentions towards the relationship.. I am no longer a teenager and am looking for something serious, even if it takes months or even a year, at least knowing it is headed somewhere is good news. If we don't make it there that's another story, but knowing it has potential is reassuring.

I know what you are saying about true colors coming out. I'm a pretty good judge of character however, so I do believe he is a good man. I could be wrong, God forbid, but I pray that I'm right. Time will tell huh? As I said to pianoguy, we have discussed again briefly, and sorted it out. I have let him know that it was irrational on my part, and that really I didn't even want to let him know how I felt cuz I knew it made no sense. Oh well. One day at a time..

thanks again,

r

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 1:22pm

I just wanted to add my 2 cents here. You mention that he says he needs to own his own home for himself. I have been dating a guy for over 3 years...and last year I went and bought my own home. In the past I had owned a home with my ex husband, but I just needed to do this on my own and know that I could take care of myself. My boyfriend understood. Yes I still spend a lot of time at his house and sometimes I think I'm just wasting my money, but its not like rent. I am building equity that I could eventually get back out of it or keep it as a rental property and have cash flow. Also my boyfriend owns his own home and we did talk about just buying something together before I bought mine, but he has quite a bit of equity and I had nothing. I didn't want to go into co-owning something without being on a more level ground financially. My owning my own home for a while will give me that.

Yes because of me choosing to do this we probably won't even consider living together for at least another 5 to 6 years when I could possibly sell and get my money back out of it. But that doesn't mean that we don't want or plan a future together. Its just that we are taking our time and when we do actually make the move to live together we'll both come to the relationship bringing something to the table. I needed to prove to myself that I can take care of myself and when we do decide to co-habitate or own together, that its because we want to be together, not because I couldn't make it on my own. I think your boyfriend may feel the same way. He may need to prove to himself that he can make it in order to be an even better partner with you (or anyone) in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 1:51pm

Thanks compgrrrl - it makes a lot of sense. What you are telling me helps me understand what he may be thinking and feeling.

However I'm a little worried about s'thing else now, if you read my last thread on here about email from a dating site.. I know the guy is interested, I'm just not sure why he did what he did so I might slam on the brakes for a while see what happens... men.. who understands 'em..

tks again