Fear of dating the wrong guy, again
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| Sun, 08-21-2005 - 3:19am |
Well, not really. Right now I'm really bummed out about dating. I always end up attracting the same type of losers who wants to date me (or less) just for kicks. (And, I also don't want to date any men anymore, who just can't get over their ex from at the very least from 2 years ago.)
Is a nice, normal relationship too much to ask for?
One where he's not just interested in me because he just wants to have sex with me?
And, not a "yes, man"?
And, not a jerk?
And, is attentive to me because he truly does care?
And, will take me out on a date here and there?
I'm sick and tired of being the girlfriend that all the friends of my boyfriend say "I wish I had a girlfriend like that" or "I wish my girlfriend was like her". I want a boyfriend, whom my friends say "wow, she's lucky to have him", instead of the jerks that I usually end up dating.
I'm not griping about being single, it's just that I want to date someone WORTH dating. I rather be single now, than be with some worthless bum, even if I might get depressed because of it.

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Anyway, I have a similar problem that you've been experiencing. I attract the worst losers ever. It's like I have some kind of pheramone that attracts morons. They look normal, they act normal, and they might have a good job. However, there always has to be at least one MAJOR thing wrong. Currently, I have a cheating man that I was supposed to marry. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with that. Before him it was a guy that did waaaaaay too many drugs (I'm not against some things, but when it sucks up every paycheck, you have a problem). And even before him it was a guy that ended up having no self esteem and wanted to kill himself after I left him.
I don't get it either.....why the h*ll can't I meet someone that doesn't belong in a mental institution??!!
Ugh......anyway.....I just wanted to say I feel your pain and know EXACTLY how you feel. You're definitely not alone.
<< I don't get it either.....why the h*ll can't I meet someone that doesn't belong in a mental institution??!!>>>
Probably because you're investing too much time in the WRONG guys, therefore, limiting your future options while holding onto the wrong guys. Let go of the cheater (you're not going to change him or reform him by sticking by him). Let go of the druggies and alcoholics or whatever substance it may be as soon as you know the problem exists (you're not going to change them by being with them). Let go of the self-loathing, no self-esteem guys (you're not going to change them either by hanging onto those types, hoping that if they align with you, you'll prop them up ... they have to want to build themselves up).
In short .... stop limiting your future options by sticking with the wrong guys. You will end up meeting lots of guys who "dont belong in the mental institution" if you're not sticking with the ones that do (for lack of better words).
toasty95...
If it's any consolation to you...men (like PG, who has been burned by 2 EX's and "the girlfriend from hell") ALSO have a fear that is similar to yours. Many of us don't want to "link up" with a potential S.O.---who turns into a raving lunatic if we use the wrong words, or don't react (or respond) the way a woman expects us to!
It's just my 2 cents, but I think you need to ask yourself (HONESTLY) what "a nice, normal relationship" is? You have indicated that you don't want to date men who are jerks, "yes" men, can't get over their EX's from 2 or more years ago, are inattentive or whose only motivation is for the purpose of S-E-X!
If there's a pattern in your life of dating JERKS---you are partly to blame for this!
You might be unconsciously seeking out men who start out as 'sincere'---but eventually become the stereotype you DON'T want? While I'll be the first to admit that the male sex ISN'T PERFECT, I also know when women have "great expectations"---or have built themselves up to believe something about a man's personality is going to change---BUT IGNORES THE WARNING SIGNS---the end result is gonna be "hurt!"
While I'm sure you're probably once of the nicest women on the planet...how about altering your approach a little? Get involved in activities where you can meet men and make FRIENDSHIPS! Don't look at each of us as a 'potential partner'---but try and get to know us for who we are! If you do...and we're honestly interested...we certainly AREN'T GOING TO BE TIMID when we're ready to let you know what we want.
Once again (just PG's 2 cents), I honestly think both sexes need to take a little more time TO BECOME CLOSE FRIENDS WHO LIKE EACH OTHER---before they decide to take that friendship up to the next level!
Good Luck with your future friendships. Just try not to overanticipate the fact that they might not develop into something more...err...permanent?
Pianoguy
I never asked for perfect. I never even asked for a perfect man. I already know that the right guy for me won't be "normal".
But, I will say that it runs in the family blood to attract psychos. It's not fun telling someone (anyone, even friends) that you want out of a relationship that you see is turning toxic and then going psycho on you.
"Yes" men are wimps! I don't want a man who doesn't have a mind of his own. "Yes" men piss me off the most, but I usually can weed them out within one conversation.
Guys who won't get over their ex-girlfriends will never be into me because they won't allow themselves to be into anyone else. A couple of months ago I've decided to give up a perfect potential boyfriend because he's still hung up on his ex. The only reason he wanted to be with me is because he wanted me to be someone I'm not. That's why he wouldn't answer my phone calls when I asked him if he was okay (him and the ex were still arguing back and forth = that's why I didn't want to get into a relationship with him right away).
I'M TIRED OF GUYS EXPECTING ME TO BE A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON!!!
I'm honestly too unique for most, a lot, of guys.
I don't even have 10 rules to make a guy datable to me. I'm offended that you would think that I purposely attract these types of guys.
The jerks I usually don't see until my life hits a rough patch. And, once they see that I am capable of emotion, they split.
I remember this one dude who wanted to get with me and I'm ALSO TIRED OF MEN WHO TELL ME THAT THEY CAN CHANGE FOR ME BUT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HE CAN'T!!! (I don't want a man to pretend to just get with me.) So, this dude asks me what changes does he need to make to be with me. And, I told him the #1 thing on my list "I want a gentleman" (which I've instinctually knew he could never be). Then, he tells me that he can't be a gentleman because that's not him. Next, he starts an argument with me about me not liking dating men from his race (and I'm like WTF, I can't get a guy to be 4 things out of my 6 requirements so why the hell am I going to discriminate based on race?). I slammed the phone off after yelling about how retarded he was being (adding to me being pissed off after the last time we went out when he kept touching and feeling me up inappropriately when I never invited him into that type of actions and constantly told him not to do it). The next day he tries to walk over and hug me like nothing happened. And, I walked by him before he did, like I didn't know him.
I don't attract jerks on purpose. It just happens. My fault of some jerk trying to get with me is the same amount of fault I'll take for my natural skin color.
I don't expect a man to change! But, all men that have been trying to get with me wanted me to be "any other girl type (fill in the blank) where I can meet ANYWHERE"!!!
It's not the I expect a man to be perfect, it's just that they want me to be perfect for them, I mean robot shipped from a factory perfect. So, I'm guessing pianoguy's advice to me would be: "If you change myself to be non-potential girlfriend material, then the 'perfect man' that you seek will come to rescue you from your faked non-potential girlfriend-ness, and because it is HE who rescued you, you'll magically turn back into the perfect girlfriend 'just for him' and the two of you will live happily ever after".
But, THAT REQUIRES ME TO CHANGE NO MATTER WHAT, DOESN'T IT?!!
I want a man who can see who I truly am and accept who I am, not "what can I be for him".
toasty95...
PG isn't suggesting that you go through a metamorphisis AND COMPLETELY CHANGE!
However.......you have to be willing to bend a little? Bending involves compromise from both sides.
The one thing I sense from your last response to me IS PLENTY OF ANGER TOWARD SEGMENTS OF THE MALE POPULATION WHO DON'T APPEAL TO YOU? Unfortunately, there's NEVER going to be a man who will adapt to all of your needs 100% of the time.
So perhaps this comes down to an issue of what you expect from US...in conjunction to what WE EXPECT FROM YOU?
Try to remember that NOBODY gets his (or her) way 100% of the time!
Pianoguy
Unfortunately, the nature of dating and finding a good life partner is that you will find MANY more people who DON'T meet your expectations and hopes then you do.
Instead of focusing on that, shift your focus to how terrific it is that you are smart enough and have enough self-esteem to recognize when someone isn't right for you and that you are able to free yourself and move forward.
Like yourself I found it very frustrating to date guy after guy that wasn't right for me and even more frustrating when they turned out to be very different then how they represented themselves after I was finally becoming attached and comfortable. But over time I got better at spotting those guys before I got attached. It just takes practice; and, unfortunately, it's just one of those things you have to learn through personal experience and trial and error. After all you're the only person who really knows who is right for you.
The important thing is to learn from each attempt and to be honest with yourself and make sure you aren't contributing to any problems in a relationship so you learn to be a better partner while you learn to FIND a better partner. It's all about growing as a person and working towards the brightest future possible for you.
The more you work on and worry about you and being happy with yourself, the more likely you are to find the right guy to build a future with.
It took me 32 years to find the right guy. 32 years of trial and error and about 7 years of being brutally honest with myself and admititng my mistakes and learning to be a better person and how to find a better person and learning to do so without beating myself up. There were many opportunities to go down the wrong, path marry the wrong guy, and it was tempting because coming home to any empty place can be depressing at times.
But I was in an abusive relationship for about a year and it really drove home one thing... Better to be unhappy once in a while because I have no one to come home to then be depressed all the time because the wrong person is waiting at home.
I know it sucks and I know it makes you feel like building a brick wall around your heart, becasue well I've done that. And that wall did me no good at all. I still dated the wrong guy. Finally, I just accepted that it was just the way of things. I was going to date the "wrong guy" until I found the "right guy". The trick was just to recognize the "wrong guy" as quickly as possible and move on. Blaming the guy for being wrong for me or blaming myself for picking the wrong guy was an excercise in futility. I had to just go, "Okay, so why didn't that work?" learn what I could and move on.
After that I finally learned to be happy in the moment. Instead of anticipating happiness in my future when I found the right guy, or when I got a raise, or when my debts from college were finally paid off... I learned if I was going to find happinesss it was going to have to be right NOW regardless of my exact circumstances. After all what did I really have to be UNhappy about. I was healthy, I had a job, great friends, great family, and even if I didn't have all that well at least I was alive and I could do something about it.
And when I FINALLY learned to be happy, really truly happy, without someone, is precisely when I found someone. Just learn to be happy and finding the right person to share your life with will happen. It may take time but it'll happen.
I'm trying pretty hard to chip away at my own brick wall. I have a funny feeling that the whole thing won't come down, though. Caution is a good friend of mine.
<> NO ONE has even adapted to my needs anymore than 25% of the time. All I'm asking for is 50/50. If he can give me more than that, then he's truly a wonderful man.
<
Try to remember that NOBODY gets his (or her) way 100% of the time!>>
My man should be self motivated. In the event of him "breaking down", I'll take extremely good care of him.
If he's in a fight, I'll have his back, and be with him until my very last breath.
I expect him to be a gentleman.
I expect him to have a mind of his own and with a spirit that no one can capture.
I expect him to love me with a passion that no other dare cross (but, I save that thought until he is indeed in love with me. Before that, while we see one another exclusively, he shouldn't be running behind my back with other women).
I expect that no matter how he looks at other women, he'll never give them the same look as he does me. His passion for me allows him to look at me in that one special way, a look reserved for me.
I expect out of a man what I hold myself up to.
I expect a lot yet a little all at the same time.
I think I'll end the "romantic" rant here. I don't like pouring stuff out like this.
Caution is ALWAYS a good thing. Pete had a heck of a job in front of him getting through the walls I built up, or so I thought. One of the things that shocked me the most is that he walked past them like the weren't even there. I think I was ready to let the right person in and when he came along the walls didn't really have much of a chance. They fell one at a time but the all fell away. Maybe it's becasue he didn't try to force his way in he just asked. I'm not quiet sure exactly, but I'm glad it happened.
As far as expectations go, I thew mine away. By the time I met Pete I wanted three things from a relationship love, respect, and faith in me and I wanted someone I could give those things to in return. The rest of that stuff is just a laundry list of what we THINK it takes to make us FEEL loved, respected, and believed in. The reality is unexpected things can make us feel that way IF we are open to the experience.
Trust me I never thought that a guy throwing a towel over the shower door so I didn't have to go into the cold to dry off would make me feel cherished, or that a guy dropping me in front of the door when it was raining would mean a lot, or that "Woo-hoo" would feel like the highest compliment, or that hearing the words, "Don't worry about it we'll take care of it." would mean so much.
Having expectations is just fine, just don't let them close you off to other ways your needs can be met and you can feel loved. Sometimes someone special is worth bending the rules for.
Just wanted to say, don't give up. I have found many gentlemen, however, many of them came with other problems. My bf opens my door all the time, takes bags from my hands, offers to HOLD my purse while I use the restroom, will put things away for me, tie my shoe for me, etc. However, he's VERY closed off emotionally. So yeah, I get treated like a lady, and treated damned well. However, it's still not good enough, because although I feel loved by his actions, I miss the words.
Just find a nice balance. Maybe he won't do it all for you, but he'll do a lot. Because trust me, you do not want someone who's off-balance. That's all I want from BF, for him to be balanced, and well, not sure if I'll ever get it. He's the perfect gentleman. Too bad he's also the "typical man" (in the sense of closed off emotionally).
~pineapple_girl
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