long distance and with kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
long distance and with kids
8
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 5:22pm
I guess I am reaching out for some advice on my current relationship. I have been involved with a man for about 7 months now. We met back in January at a company meeting (he no longer works for the same company due to cutbacks). I found out at the beginning he was recently divorced and has two children. I live 6 hours away from him but we have managed to create this tremendous bond between the two of us. I can't even explain how connected we are--in every way. I have not met his children yet, due to the uncertainty of our future together. He lives in an area where the only family he has is his two children and ex-wife. I live where my very small, but loving, family live. If we were to be married and have children, I would want to be close to my family for support. He is trying to do some soul searching on whether or not he can move here with me. He was born here and his parents were from this area. The problem I am facing is guilt and selfishness. I am willing to make adjustments in my life to accommodate his children and make every effort to make them a part of our life. I grew up without a father and would never want him to do that (not that he ever would). I am seeking some advice and help on this situation. I am afraid we would be making a very big mistake if we walk away from this relationship. Am I being too selfish in asking him to move here? Help??? Thanks!


Edited 8/22/2005 6:01 pm ET ET by cani613
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 6:45pm

Here's my two pesos....

Some 10 years ago, I faced a very similar situation so I will share with you what I have learned in hindsight. I realize every situation is different, however, you may be making a very big mistake if you *continue* the relationship with him.

You don't mention if you have any children, but I can tell you that walking into a "ready-made family" or one where there is an ex-wife (and her side of the family) in the mix is asking for a double-dose of stress, anxiety and headaches. There can be drama with his ex-wife, drama with the kids, and all of that drama can end up causing added stress on your relationship with him.

Something else for you to think about: Are you really prepared to deal with a man who will more than likely put his children ahead of you? What about discipline issues? Do you and he think alike and are you prepared for the times when his children will seek to cause division between you and him? His children may very well see you as the *enemy* who stands in the way of mommy and daddy getting back together. Even if there's no hope of him reconciling with his ex-wife, as long as she wasn't an ogre, more than likely the kids miss their dad and want him back home with them and their mom.

You've only been dating him for seven months, and though you may see yourself making every effort to make his children a part of your lives, you'll be the one trying to be a part of his and his children's lives because remember, they were and still are family and are a package deal.

Lastly, it's been my experience that when it comes to dating men who have children, "blood is thicker than water." Their children come first and when the chips are down, they will choose their children over you. That's the way it should be and if he chose anything else but, you shouldn't want him anyway. If he's willing to move far away from his kids to be closer to you, you still shouldn't want him.

Taking on a man with children and an ex-wife is A LOT to take on for a single woman who doesn't have any children of her own/has never been married. Please make sure he's WORTH IT.

All the best,
Heymum

P.S. Why did he and his wife break up? If she left him, perhaps you should find out why. Ask him how he contributed to the break up of his marriage and how he'll do things differently with you. Tough questions, I know -- but they're ones I certainly wish I had asked my XH before I married him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 6:59pm
Thank you for your honesty. Each and every one of those things you mention are very strong concerns for me. I do not have any children and am still not sure I want any of my own. As for his children and their divorce, they separated right after their second child was born. Both were so young that all they have ever known is life with mom in one house and dad in the other. You mention why the marriage ended--I hate to say it, but he had an affair. What he has explained to me is that he thought getting married was the next step in his relationship, what he should do, not what he wanted. They were married at the age of 24, divorced at the age of 33. He is now 34 and tells me he has learned a lot from his infidelity and how it can destroy people. His ex and he do not have a happy relationship now--it's more or less just civil communication because of the kids. You are correct in what you said about him moving away from his kids--I agree. However, he only sees them now every other weekend and sometimes during the week. His job will eventually lead him to this state (his corporate office is here if he were promoted), which is a scenario I think I would feel a little better about. It's all so very hard to imagine. I never thought I would be involved in this kind of situation. I know I deserve to be first with someone and share all of those special moments with someone who will share it with me for the first time, but I love him. Thank you again for your views. They are exactly the concerns I have and I don't know how I will know if I can handle all of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:27am

Cani,

I understand where you're coming from. So much of your situation reminds me of the one I mentioned in my previous post to you. First I'd like to say to you, while loving someone can be a very strong and powerful emotion and pull on the heart, please make sure you don't allow your love for him to cloud your judgment or lead you into making less-than-wise choices.

I am greatly concerned for you because you say he was unfaithful to his first wife. I am of the opinion that infidelity springs from a person's own values and standards (or the lack thereof). Since you know he has the propensity to cheat, are you sure you're ready to deal with the stress that comes along in being with someone who's cheated in his past? Relationships go through ups and downs. There are times when things are great and then not-so-great. What about the not-so-great times? If he pulls away from you emotionally, treats you in a cold manner, or acts distant, will you begin to worry that maybe he's found someone else?

My last BF cheated in his past and when things soured between us, the thought that he had found someone else did cross my mind. He did that pulling-away-and-acting-distant crap around the 4 month mark, and coupled with all the times he bragged about other women trying to come on to him, I figured he'd met someone else and was acting stupid so I'd break up with him.

Anyway, I will reiterate that it is A LOT to take on a man with children. If anything happens to his ex-wife, he will have the children full-time. That's what happened in my former marriage. My XH's ex-wife died unexpectantly, so we had his three girls with us and I became an instant wife and mom when I married him. It did not go well in part because he refused to support and back me up with regarding to parenting and discipline issues. My XH became abusive around year 4 and in turn, I became an outsider in my own home. Things eventually got to the point that I had to leave because with all the abuse from him and crap surrounding the kids (who were teenagers by this time), it all became intolerable. Leaving was the best thing for me and hindsight being 20/20, I realize now that I never had any business marrying him. Yes, I had problems with his ex-wife before she died (almost broke up with him over it) and believe it or not, her mother picked up right where she left off -- but we were already married by that time!

If you aren't sure you even want your own children, then I can assure you it will be even more challenging trying to love and accept someone else's children, no matter how much you love their father.

I think your best bet is to look for a guy who has been faithful in his past relationships and who doesn't have children. This way, all of the issues that surround children (parenting, discipline, homework, etc.) will not be a part of the picture and will be one less thing you'll have to deal with.

Relationships are complicated enough....it will be challenging enough trying to impress or win over a guy's family and friends (than having to deal with kids, an ex-wife and possibly HER family too!)

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:01pm

Yes I think you are being selfish. Those are NOT your kids. And if you think that for one those kids will be happy moving away from their mother, your fooling yourself.

I would move where he was. And if its only been 7 months, thats WAYYY too soon to be making such a jumpy move. I would give it at least a year, because so much can change in that period of time.

You will know the relationship is serious, and that your not taking a risk by moving, but its actually something you BOTH are going to make work.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:22pm
heymum,
thank you once again for opening up to me about a very emotional time in your life. I have been doing a lot of thinking and am taking your advice very seriously. The cheating part scares me, but I think I can get past it. I came from a home where my father cheated on my mom with her best friend, only to move three houses down from us, with her. I grew up in a very unforgiving home, a place where people make mistakes and are written off very easily. I don't want to be like that. I care deeply about this man and understand he made a very poor decision. I know love is not enough to make a relationship last, which is why I turned to this message board. I think I just needed to hear the words from someone else. I still am very torn about letting him walk out of my life without ever giving it a try. I have a lot of decisions to make and your advice is taken whole-heartedly. Thank you.
cani
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:26pm
It's hard to hear the truth sometimes, but this is why I came to this message board. The only thing you have wrong was he would move without his kids, leaving them with their mother. I know--still selfish. I will continue to take this slow and see where it progresses. If I have to, I will walk away from the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 5:03pm

Thanks Cani. You sound like a smart young woman with a good head on her shoulders. It's good that you're taking time to really think about things and are not making any rash decisions.

I hope he realizes how special you really are and that he'll be good to you if you decide to give the relationship a try.

Every happiness to you,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 2:17pm

hey, I am in a similar situation, and I am really confused. The guy I am dating is currently separated from his wife, but the divorce won't be final for another few months. we actually started talking a couple of years ago, but have been long distance dating for about a year and a half. I really do think I love him, but I find myself getting really jealous when he puts his kids in front of me. Am I just being selfish? I don't have any kids, and I always dreamed of meeting a man and starting a family with a clean slate. I am afriad I won't be able to get over this jealousy, but at the same time I don't know if I will ever be able to get over him either. Please, please give your advice. I really need help!

-hart