somewhat jaded....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
somewhat jaded....
7
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 12:20pm

hi everyone....

just a question and a situation for opinions and advice..

sooo.. i've met this guy.. he's great.. very stable in many ways.. financially, career etc.. BUT..

For the past 2 years I’ve been bf-less.. I had an abusive relationship and b/c of that I decided to really take my time before jumping into anything.. so I’ve dated..casually and yes.. had just casual sex for this time. Friends with benefits…

A lot of my gfs have asked and said that I’ve been purposely (at least it seems like it) dating guys that I CAN’T be with or shouldn’t consider seriously.. and now one has come along that is some serious potential and I’m completely questioning myself and him!!
For example we went out lastnight for a movie and he suggested we meet on Friday for dinner and drinks.... this is the 3rd date and we ended with a kiss on the cheek and a nice hug.. a “normal” girl would be happy with this and content that the relationship is on a course and that this is a nice guy…but I’m not… I keep over analyzing and my backwards thinking has me wondering if he really likes me b/c he really hasn’t tried anything too physical yet…?!

I feel so jaded… i guess i'm wondering if having too many casual relationships make u jaded and blind to the fact that dating is really a weeding out process to find Mr.Right..?

Can focusing on Mr. Right Now mess it up when a potential Mr. Right comes along.. that u don’t even recognize it!! Or worse and miss the opportunity completely!

I appreciate any comments good or bad..and of course good advice is always welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 1:35pm

Dear SK,

Yes focusing on Mr. Right Now is in general and mostly a bad thing. If you just are looking for a guy to give you some temporary companionship/physical intimacy then go after that. But personally I don't see what the point is in all that. And yes, you will actually fall for Mr. Right Now if you spend enough time with him. Your emotions will get involved if you stay long enough with a guy, even if you swear they won't.

Second this guy you have dated 3 times now is not a Mr. Right Now type. He does have potential, and you own it to yourself and him to take this possibility at a serious relationship. Yes you are overanalyzing it, no this guy is not perfect (nobody is), but yes you should give him a serious chance, and yes you need to calm down, breathe, relax, and then move forward in a normal manner. Don't let your mind spin out of control about the possibilities with this guy. Just be yourself.

Lastly, the fact that he has only kissed you on the check and hugged you is almost always an EXTREMELY GOOD SIGN. Every guy I know that does that is taking it slow with his girl because HE LIKES HER and he doesn't want to screw things up. This guy is probably the same. It is possible that he's still not sure where he wants to take this, so he's taking it slow until he finds out. Even if that's the case, going slow at first is a good thing because he is RESPECTING you. If he's taking things slow with you, he's probably very interested and wants to send you a message that he's not into you for just the sex, but for more. Now that doesn't mean he's going to propose to you next month, it just means that from what he has seen of you so far he really likes, and he wants to keep the good times rollin'. Don't worry, he will kiss you soon, and it will progress from there. Just allow things to go slow, and enjoy his company and getting to know him.

So lets summarize:
1.) Mr. Right Now's are almost always bad, so stop looking for them.
2.) Relax, breath, slow down and be yourself. Don't allow your mind and heart to overanalyze, overreact, or over-anything.
3.) He's taking it slow physically because he probably likes you a lot.

Keep these things in mind, and you should have a good chance at snagging this fine catch of a guy.

Good luck,
-MFG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 5:45pm

I do feel sorry for guys....they're damned if they do try a move and damned if they don't LOL

I'm a lot like you - that is, if a man doesn't try a move on me, I'll think that he's not that interested. If I was early dating, I'd be hoping for sex, but at the very least, I'd expect a passionate tongue kiss and a grope of my boobs. SOMETHING to let me know he's attracted to me.

Many people say that men who try for sex early are just looking for casual stuff, however, this hasn't been my experience. I slept with DH on the day we met and we've been together for 13 years this year. Likewise, in his past relationships, if the chemistry was so overwhelming that it needed to be acted on, it would bode well for a good relationship.

Anyway, getting to the point....it may not be that you are jaded. Perhaps you simply like a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go for it. I know that I'm not attracted to men who dilly dally around. Mind you, I'm also not adverse to seeking what I want. DH may have initiated the passionate kisses on the day we met, but I initated the sex.

In the case of your current b/f, I'd be having serious reservations too. A kiss on the cheek at date three? I'd be thinking that he's just not that into me.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 7:23pm

Yes, I do think that having a "Mr. Right Now" makes it more likely you will miss a "Mr. Right" opportunity. You need to create space in your life for a relationship...and if the space is filled with a twinkie (a friend's term for a fling--light and sweet and sugary but no substance!) as opposed to someone of real substance, then there's no "space" for the guy of substance to occupy.

And someone being a gentleman does NOT mean they are not attracted to you! Perhaps they are just being respectful. I am extremely sexual and passionate, but these days I don't want a guy even *kissing* me before the 3rd date or so (and forget about sex until we've been dating for at least 2 months), because I find that I get too attached to the lust buzz and I don't want that interfering with my evaluation of him as a PERSON.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 11:48pm

>>because I find that I get too attached to the lust buzz and I don't want that interfering with my evaluation of him as a PERSON<<

I get attached to the lust buzz no matter whether or not I'm sleeping with him LOL. If anything, I find that sleeping with a man allows me to let go of the obsessive thoughts of "what is he like in bed"?

Isn't it amazing how different people are!

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 1:04am

i hear you. when i met my bf, i thought he was too good to be true, too. i was reading into every little thing. on our second date, he didn't even hug me goodbye. i was totally convinced that he wasn't into me. never expected to hear from him again. he called 2 days later to set up a 3rd date. then, on our 3rd date, he kissed me and told me he wanted us to date exclusively! go figure. but then he asked me to come over to his apartment for our 4th date. so then i got all suspicious again. i was like, maybe he just said that "exclusive" stuff so i would sleep with him! heck how do i know this guy's name is even what he says it is? maybe he's a serial killer or a date rapist. i did go over to his apartment, but i kept a can of mace in my pocket and asked to see his driver's license! (i kid you not, i really did. i pretended like i just wanted to see the photo, but i think it was pretty obvious...) so, long story short, he was very respectful. we talked about going slow, and we did not have sex until a few months later.

recently, we were strolling down memory lane and i asked him what his first impressions of me were. on the whole, he was into me, but he did pick up on my suspiciousness, and he found it a bit of a turn off. he would not have continued to date me much longer if i hadn't relaxed and started trusting him.

so, i guess my advice is: just because you're jaded, doesn't mean it won't turn into a relationship. if the guy is really mr right, it'll probably work itself out. just keep seeing him... whether you're feeling suspicious or not. his true nature will reveal itself eventually. whatever you do, keep your suspicions to yourself. try not to broadcast them to him, since it's not an attractive quality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 9:15am

thank u everyone!

i've definitley relaxed and breathed and i think it's really starting to payoff..

we've talked a few times since the date on Tuesday... and we are making plans for this weekend! Actually when we were making plans for the movie on Tuesday and picking times etc.. I suggested we go on Fri instead b/c we could go later.. and he said he was thinking we would do something else on Fri... soo we'll be going out on Sat or Sun after all.. Two dates in one week.... something tells me he might like me after all.. it's nice to feel that someone wants to spend so much time with me.. instead of me feeling like i have to wait for a good time..etc.... there's very little guesswork with this guy..and that's new territory for me in a BIG way!!!

i'm going to stay as positive as i can and see where it goes.....and not be too suspicious..bc that IS really unattractive!!

now for the Mr. Right Nows.. there's one in particular that has been around for almost 2 years! hard to believe that it hasnt progressed.. but there are so many reasons it hasn't! and what u all said is true... i def have some feeling for him.. he's away for the next 2 weeks..something else has been on my mind.. ;-P ..

but my nature ..(and this sucks)...has me feeling that i don't want to cut ties with Mr. Right Now.. right now.. i think i should wait until things are more solid with the new guy.. there's potential but nothing is ever certain..no one is perfect..and i shouldn't put all my eggs in his basket.....yet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 11:18pm

Well, if you're at all interested in a solid relationship with the potential Mr. Right, then I suggest that you not sleep with Mr. Right Now.

You don't owe Mr. Right Now anything and you can take as much time off from him as you like. He won't miss you while you're gone and he'll gladly sleep with you again whenever you feel like it.

My SO took things slowly with me. On our third date, he gave me a peck on the cheek (and we're both grown adults). I said something like, "I wanted to give you a good kiss." He smiled and said, "I'll be back." And, things have been so great with him. We have a lot of passion in our relationship. He tells me now that he waited on the sex because he wanted me to know that he was serious about me and that he just wasn't some guy trying to get laid.

Have fun with the potential guy and be a little patient with him. It might pay off.