New and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
New and confused
2
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 10:04am

I need advice about what to do with my current relationship. I will give you some background first and try to keep it short:

I was in a loveless relationship for 9 years and we both finally decided to call it quits. I started seeing this new guy, who also recently split with his wife. They have one child, I have two kids. everything was going great, we hung out together, did lots of things together, he is the greatest guy that I have ever met. Well last night he told me that it kills him to be at my house with my kids because his ex won't let him see their son and everything my kids do remind him of his son. He said he still wants to be with me, but I am with my kids almost every minute of the day when I am not at work, so it is going to make it really difficult for us to spend time together. My ex takes the kids every once in awhile. I don't know what I can do. I have already let him into my life and my kids life, now they are going to start asking questions about why he isn't coming over anymore. I really fell hard for this guy, even after I told myself that I shouldn't let my guard down and wait to fall in love, but he came along and he is just so perfect in almost everyway. I know he is going through alot, with a divorce, not seeing his son. should I just give him time to adjust and figure things out? I keep thinking that maybe after he sees his son and they figure out arrangements for visitation things will get better and he will want to come over. I should also mention that he has been spending almost all his time at my house. This will be the first night that he isn't going to come over in like a month. I am so confused as to what to do and am very mad at myself for putting my wall down and letting this happen to me.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 11:37am

Here's what I think you should do:

Back off and give the guy some space. I realize you say the two of you really hit it off and he seems wonderful, but the truth is he is still married. He needs time to go through the divorce and have some "down time" afterwards before jumping into another r'ship. IMHO.

I also think he needs time to process how he contributed to the break-up of his marriage and whatever positive changes he'll make for any future r'ships, including one with you.

Regardless of however much you care for him, I think trying to cultivate a r'ship with him right now is ill-advised and that it just isn't the right time.

After he's recovered from the pain and fall-out of his divorce and is truly ready for a r'ship, let him be the one to initiate pursuing one with you.

That's my two pesos...

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 4:18pm

honey4bee...

Pianoguy actually got 2 DIFFERENT THOUGHTS regarding your post.

1. Your b/f might be using the demands of THE EX and the divorce as a reason for "dumping you!"
OR
2. As much as he enjoys YOU and YOUR CHILDREN....he might be feeling that the majority of YOUR attention will always be in THEIR DIRECTION...and NOT HIS! !

You know something? I'll bet if you brought up the "let's take some time away from each other" argument, your b/f would be back in your life within a few weeks WITH A REVISED PLAN?

Since you didn't indicate what his visitation rights (with his son) are going to be after the divorce is finalized...LET THE MAN HAVE HIS SPACE TO "WORK OUT THE ISSUES!" If the 2 of you honestly have 'emotional chemistry' together, he'd be an absolute idiot if he "tossed you aside!"

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy