New here, need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2005
New here, need advice
6
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 6:49pm

I've never posted anything on here before but I've been checking out some posts and other people seem to be getting some good advice so I thought I'd give it a shot.

Anyway, here's the deal . . . about 3 months ago my bf and I started discussing the possibility of living together, and after several serious discussions we decided we really wanted to do it. We've been together a little over two years so things were pretty serious with us. After we made our decision I signed a lease w/ his Dad (Dad owns the house, bf rents out the rooms) for the following school year. Well, bf takes off for a study abroad thing in Europe for six weeks. The whole time he is gone he e-mails and calls me telling me how he can't wait for us to live together and telling me how he loves me so much, and how important I am to him, blah, blah, blah. So, he finally comes home, we have an amazing weekend being together again and that Monday, (three days before I'm supposed to move in) he tells me that being in Europe realy changed him and now he doesn't want to live with me anymore, he doesn't want that kind of a commitment anymore, basically goes back on everything he's been telling me for months. So, we agree that since I have to be out of my apt. that Thurs. and I can't afford to get a 1 bdrm. on my own, I'll move in but have my own separate room.

Now it's three weeks later, we've had several talks about where this is going, what he wants, what I want, etc. And he's telling me that he wants us to be less dependant on each other so that when we graduate (April) it won't be so hard when one of us has to move away (I'm heading out of state for grad school, he could end up anywhere), even though we had both agreed to at least look at options where we could stay together before he went on his trip. So, I just feel like everything is falling apart between us. He has completely stopped telling me that he loves me, and he goes back and forth between acting like everything's fine and not wanting to be anywhere near me.

He swears this has nothing to do with me, but I'm the only person being affected by this. I'm just wondering what the hell is going on with him? Has anyone had any similar problems? And anyone have any idea what I can do? I still love him terribly, and I've always been able to see a real future for us. Any suggestions/advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

LitGirl912

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 10:16pm

sorry Hon, but for whatever reasons....he's breaking up with you.

The bit about it being nothing to do with you is just a line. You know, how people say "it's not you, it's me" or "I'm just not looking for a relationship right now". It's just the stuff we say so as to avoid having to explain it all.

Yes, an overseas trip can change people - just as anything that's outside of the norm can. Getting out of the normal rut of life can help us to learn more about who we are and what we want out of life. It's all part of maturing.

There will be plenty more guys. Keep your chin up and move on.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 11:18am

You didn't mention if you're still sleeping with him, or not. If you are, stop that immediately!

Is his name on the lease? If not, tell him that you would like him to find a new place to live and I suggest you look for a roommate ASAP. Do not continue to live with him. He will only drag you down.

April is a long way, away. Don't get trapped living in this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 4:15pm

LG,

I have to agree with the others who have already posted. I think your best bet is to move on. We can only speculate as to what may have happened during his trip to Europe, but I wouldn't be surprised if he met someone else. BTDT.

It's been my experience when guys start vascillating or pulling away and showing a change of feelings, it's usually best to just end it. Waiting for him to come around or letting him be the one to end it will only leave you open to being hurt and mistreated.

Time to move on....

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 9:23pm

i went through the same kind of thing my senior year of college. at the start of the school year, no one knew where they were going to end up after graduation. i remember talking with my BF at the time and agreeing that we would stay together if we ended up living in the same city - otherwise break up. we would both entertain the idea of jobs in the same city, but if a great opportunity popped up in a different city, we weren't going to pass it up for the sake of staying together. needless to say, it put a huge strain on our relationship. i think it is only natural to pull away a little bit when you see the prospect of a break-up looming in the future... in my case, we did end up moving to the same city after graduation, and we stayed together for 2 more years.

my advice would be to talk to him more. clarify exactly where his head is. it sounds like he doesn't want to limit himself to jobs in the area where you'll be going to grad school. if that's the case, how does he feel about a long distance relationship? if that's not in the cards for him, then i think maybe he's right about not moving in together - it'll only make it hurt more if you inevitably have to split up.

sorry... i remember how much it sucked back then when everything was up in the air. good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2005
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 10:15am

UPDATE!!

Thanks for all your (very) honest advice, some of it was hard to swallow but it makes a lot of sense.

Anyway, I just though I'd update everyone on the situation and throw another question out there. So, the day after posting we had another 'big talk' (getting a little tired of those) I just asked point blank, no more screwing around, what do you want and does it involve me? The answer was pretty much what I was expecting, (and what I was more prepared for thanks to you guys!) that he cares for me, likes me, wants me in his life in some way, even still loves me, but doesn't want a serious relationship at this point in his life. I was mad and upset, but so proud of myself for staying calm and not letting myself melt down in front of him (okay, just a little). I called him on all his recent bad behavior and he said he hadn't realized how much this was hurting me and he apologized profusely, promising to be more sensitive and conscious of how his behavior affects others.

So, I guess I get it now, he can't be tied down... doesn't want this to hurt more after another year of getting closer. It helps a little to understand, but it's still soooo hard. The new dilema is that we do live together, we're stuck in our lease and in our town student housing is scarce, so even if I could get out of the lease I may not be able to find another place. So now we're trying to work out a way to live together as 'friends' or exes at least. We still care for and respect each other a lot and neither of us would ever do anything to intentionally hurt the other one. So my new question is has anyone ever lived with an ex, or been in a similar situation? Is there any decent way to work this out? Luckily, I'll be taking my own trip abroad this winter. I was only going to go for a month, but I'm going to find a way to do a longer program instead (probably 2-3 months), I think it'll really help to do something so big just for myself.

To answer some of your previous questions . . .

We stopped having sex as soon as the problems started, it was just too confusing!
Moving, unfortunately, isn't really an option.
I know it seems suspicious that maybe he met someone on his trip, but I really don't think that's it, I think it's more of an internal struggle.

Wow, sorry this got so long!

Ligirl912

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 11:02am

I really couldn't imagine living with an ex. Regardless of who ended the r'ship, I always try to move on and usually take a position of no contact. It's the only way my heart can heal.

As for your situation, I think continuing to share living space with him may be hard on you because it really wasn't your choice to end things. Not to pry into his personal business, but does he have plans to jump right back into dating other women? Will he bring other girls back home or just see and spend time with them elsewhere out of respect for you?

It would be extremely difficult to see my ex entertaining other women, esp. if I still loved him and didn't want the r'ship to end.

If it were me, I'd do everything possible to move.

Good luck,
Heymum