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| Tue, 08-30-2005 - 1:41am |
the background: My guy and I have been together for three years. He was deployed to Iraq for a year and when he came back he was a complete jerk to everyone around him, icluding me. We went on a break from march to may of this year because of his behavior. We both saw other people, but then decided to get back together. Things have been going great until I invited him to have dinner with my family after church on Sundays. He already refuses to go to church with me, giving me a million excuses:
-his dad died of cancer and since then he doesn't believe in god
-my church is too far away and he would rather sleep in
-he doesn't like my stepdad because he's a moron
-If I found a church closer he would go, but then 10 minutes later he says even if I found a church closer he wouldn't go.
etc etc....
So I accepted that and have never forced him to go. When I asked him to come eat dinner with us, he agreed. then when that day came, he said he didn't want to go because he wanted to sleep in. So I asked him about the week after and he came up with more excuses:
-My brother's girlfriend talks crap behind his back
-he doesn't like my stepdad because he's a moron
-everyone judges him
-its too far to drive, and he would get lost
I don't understand. I try so hard to get along with his family even though they haven't been that great to me either. I still make the effort. When I ask him to do the same with my family, all it is is excuses. He's a great guy otherwise and I love him very much but this whole religion/family thing really bothers me and I'm not quite sure if I'm just being irrational or if there is really a problem here. TIA!
Bonnie

Hi Bonnie!
PG might be mistaken, but he's willing to bet that the religion and family issues were PRESENT inside this man...BEFORE HE WAS DEPLOYED!
What you need to ask yourself is this:
AM I WILLING TO ABANDON OR COMPROMISE THE ISSUES (like family and religion) THAT MEAN THE MOST TO ME IN FAVOR OF MY BOYFRIEND?
I know of couples who are half-religious.......either the man or woman attends church, while the other doesn't.....and everything else is A-OKAY between them? But I'd consider the 'paranoia' about your family similar to A RED FLAG!
Simply because you MIGHT be forced into 'choosing between them and him' if the 2 of you ever decided to get married!
Pianoguy
There's definitely a problem here IMHO.
You believe in God, but he doesn't. What would this mean for the future if you decide to have children together? Would you be able to raise them with your religious views and standards, or would he fight you on it by insisting that the children be raised as atheists? Would you still be able to attend church services, or would he harass or give you a hard time about going so that you'd eventually quit?
It's great that you believe he's worth making concessions when it comes to spending time with his family. But he's not willing to make the same concessions where your family is concerned. Not good. So what would this mean for the future if the two of you decide to marry? Would he try to pull you away from talking to or spending time with your family and friends? Would he seek to alienate you from them or give you a hard time whenever they call or want to get together with you?
These are things you need to think long and hard about.
All the best,
Heymum