Moving for a Guy?
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| Tue, 08-30-2005 - 3:55pm |
I've only been dating my boyfriend for three months but we've had a very serious start and I think he's absolutely wonderful. We're both from New York (I live in NYC) but he's in his last year of med school in Philly so we're presently long distance but seeing one another frequently.
It's quite possible (though not yet certain) that he may be staying in Philly for his 5 year residency. Certainly 5 years of long distance is not attractive to either of us. In fact, he's already talking about how I should move there with him if and when he finds out that's where he'll be for the next 5 years.
While I don't doubt my feelings for him, sometimes the idea of moving to another city where i wouldn't know anyone but my BF, feels like too big a step to do for a boy i've only recently started dating. does this kind of stuff happen often? (to be fair, i must say that the idea of being long distance for multiple years doesn't sound good either so i guess i'm stuck b/w a rock and hard place).
also, as transactional lawyer, moving from NYC (the center of american finance) to philly isn't really a great career move. while im certainly not a hardcore career-obsessed type, it does sort of bother me that his medical career seems to be taking precedence over my legal career.
any thoughts would be appreciated as i'm just sorting of thinking out loud here. thanks!!

My two cents.
At 3 months, you two don't relaly know each other well enough to move out of state for one another (or you for him). Already, as you can see, he's ASSUMING you'll move and drop your career for his. He's probably already assumign YOU can find a job anywhere, whereas, he doesn't really get a choice in residencies. He's already put your job on the backburner.
That should be enough proof that this r'ship isn't ready for a move. I think, you two should continue to date LDR, put another MINIMUM 9 months into it before you even START to think about moving....
and if you do think about moving, I would hope it'll be a very open conversation about hwo you feel you have to give up your career for his, and vice versa. Because, the truth is, as a doctor, you kinda go where you can. And as his SO, you follow him (to a point). So, are you ready to do that? What if he gets hired in that hospital? or one further away? Will you move then to be with him as he starts his career off, massively in debt too. lol. They say, docs start out 4 years in the hole.
So, instead of looking at this in a bad way, look at it in a positive way to TALK about each others career, where you'd like to go, what you'd like, etc. For all you know, maybe he's willing to come to NY with you, or if he's never willing to go to NY, or can't and isn't willing to sacrifice to go there, then you have to ask yourself, what is more important? Him and being with him, or your career. Love and marriage is all about timing. Is the timing there?
That's why I say, wait at least another 6-9 months. Because at that point, you'll know more about each other, you'll know if he's really willing to sacrifice anything, or if he truly expects you to follow him.
~pineapple_girl
good points. i tend to be someone who takes a long while to truly get comfortable in a relationship and get to know someone, so to think about a future move now is scary for me. i think it's too early to truly be worrying about this now. if it happens, it will be down the road when we have a more solid foundation.
on that note, i should mention that my BF and i went to college together so even though we've only technically been dating for 3 months, we've known one another (though not well) for about 9 years...i think that's adding to the speed of our relationship.
i also just want to mention that he's certainly not expecting me or forcing me to move with him if he stays in philly. he's thinking about his career and his general happiness, and he knows i have to think about my own career and my general happiness. we both hope that our relationship will remain strong and a compromise can be worked out but i don't think he sees my moving to philly as a given. And he includes me in the thought process - we've discussed other potential cities for him to do his residency which might be more appealing to me than philly.
I think given how close those two cities are, it would be silly to move at this early stage.
It's not all or nothing you know...you could date long-distance for a year and see what happens, and then move at that point.
Sheri
that makes sense, I guess, I misread your post. Towards the end, it sounded like you were a bit resentful that he wasn't taking your career into consideration, but only his. But maybe, instead, it was just your fear coming thru a bit.
Also, trust me, I've known my bf prior to dating him, for maybe 15 years, but I knew absolutely nothing about the TRUE him. So I'd take it slow. Unless you two were good friends, you still know very little about the true him (in a r'ship).
Good luck, and I think waiting another 9 months before even thinking about moving would be a good idea. Just take it slow. As Sheri said, it's not a do or don't right now. You CAN have an LDR (unless of course, you're adamantly against them).
~pineapple_girl
At 3 months of dating, there's no way in HECK that you should even be considering uprooting your life, your career, etc ... for someone whom you are still in the early stages with.
Even at 3 years, I don't think I'd make that kind of move for a guy .... without the committment.
Consider what's in your best interests. Always.