i think my husband is gay

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
i think my husband is gay
5
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 1:07pm
okay, so my husband has been looking at porn every day for the past two months. and it has just been normal stuff, pretty women, stuff like that. well, a few weeks ago, at one of his regular sites, i noticed he had looked at the "hunk of the day". i continued to check, and every day, more and more, he was looking at those pictures. yesterday before i left for work, i checked, and this time he was looking at "nude college fratmen", which consisted of not only pictures, but video clips of masturbation as well. when i got home from work, i checked again, and he did searches for "free gay porn" "free gay big dicks" "men sucking men" "free gay sex". so i wrote him a note and left it on the counter and headed to my parent's for the night. he called me at 3am crying and begging me to come home. we talked, and he said that he was sorry and stupid and didn't know why he did it. he said he was bored. he said with the women, once you see one, you see them all. he couldn't give me a good explanation of why he was looking at other men. we didn't get a chance to talk very long because he had to leave for work, but i just don't know what to do now. where do we go from here? will i ever be able to look at him the same way or be intimate with him again? is there anyone else out there going through this right now??? i need help! please!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 3:19pm

The fact that he's looking at gay porn is a BIG RED FLAG and quite honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me.

Regardless of whether he was "bored" or whatever other lame excuse he could think to offer, he has issues with his sexuality. All of that "innocent looking" could one day lead to actually *doing* things with other men (if it hasn't already).

Your health is nothing to play with. Go get tested for HIV and think seriously about contacting a good DV atty to at least see what your options are legally.

If it were me, I'd file for divorce and keep steppin'.

Good luck,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 2:15am

As a woman, I've enjoyed porn showing women and lesbians. Quite frankly, porn showing men doesn't interest me at all. However, I'm very heterosexual, have no issues with my sexuality and don't have any desire to try being with a woman.

Mind you, if I get bored with standard porn...I start to search for gross stuff. Like obese porn or terrible boob jobs. It's certainly not because I want to go there...it's more about just having fun at the expense of the weirdos who post themselves on the net.

I suspect that he got bored with looking at nude women...so started to look at nude men. If left alone, he probably would have gotten bored with that too and stopped the whole porn surfing thing.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:39am
I dont think u need to worry. Your husband is probably just going through a phase. If you look at porn alot you most likely will get bored and want to see something new,thats all. It dosent necessarily mean he is gay it could mean that he is going through some sexual issues. If I were you I would be more concerned with the fact that he spends so much time watching porn instead of whether or not he is gay.
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 2:34pm
I don't think there's any reason to jump to the conclusion that he's going to be running off with a new gay partner. People are naturally curious, especially about sex, even if they are straight and in love. It's funny how straight women can look at lesbian porn or even merely find other women attractive and not be considered gay... yet if men even so much as think another man is attractive or be curious about what other men do sexually, they are automatically labelled "gay". I think he was just curious, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or is interested in having gay sex. You've probably shocked him out of his curiousity... unless he continues to give you futher reason to suspect his sexuality, there's no need to worry in my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:01pm
have you stopped to think why regular porn didn't bother you at all but gay porn did? the former kind didn't make you wonder if he would seek other women, but the latter brought many doubts? ok, it's a taboo, it's a disappointment, he may be sexually misguided but also is probably as confused as you are. try talking honestly to him, try to be open to what he says. this might indicate that your sex life wasn't as fulfilling as you thought. this could be a turning point, an opportunity to know each other better and improve intimacy. or not. pehaps he's insecure about his masculinity, he doesn't know if he pleases you anymore, or ever has. remember he's scared too and he needs to confront with something he might not be prepared to. counceling can help. best wishes.