Still somewhat lost but getting better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2005
Still somewhat lost but getting better.
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 11:34pm

First of all, thank you all who responded to my original post for your honest opinions and advice. it means a lot to me to get good opinions on this. to update, i have been feeling better and we have had a few friendly conversations but thats it. When I tried to bring it up to talk about it after we had the breakup, he got very cold and emotionless, and didn't want to talk about it. It seemed as if he had just bottled it up inside and moved on without thinking about it, and he's just living his day to day life without giving time to think about the situation. When I brought it up, I simply said that I wanted to know flat out if he was happy with me and he just needed space, or if he was realizing that I wasn't what he wanted. His answer was "kind of both". That upset me a little bit, because he lied like you said at first. I dont htinWhen we see each other, it's hard on one instance because we get along so well and i have a hard time figuring out why we aren't together. But then, i remember and i smack myself. I brought up in the conversation that we had that I just wanted him to be honest and tell me, but i realized that I was coming off to strong and he wasn't going to understand it no matter what I said so I stopped. He asked "What do you want from me" and i said "To know what you want from me" and his response was "space.." so i said "you got it" and stopped talking to him. I was upset, but i realized how much he wasn't going to hear me out no matter how hard I tried.

A couple days later, we saw each other somewhere and because we are both open people, we started talking. It was nice to see him and to talk, and we acted like such good friends. Inside, part of me was screaming the entire time, but i kept calm. I wanted him to know that no matter what, I was okay and he didn't need to be weird around me. I dont want to lose him completely, even as much as I wish I could kick him to the curb. It's nice to be friends I suppose. Now, we are basically acting like good friends. We met each other and talked in a parking lot in town, and had a good basic conversation about some things, but nothing in the relationship past came up.

This is where I get a big confused. I really just wish I knew how he felt, how he felt about me and us. A big part of our relationship was music and our tie together of loving the same music, so we often got together and listened to songs. We'd play things for each other, and let the other one feel it and get it the same way, so to speak. When we met today, he played this one song that he had gotten while we were still together and played for me then. THe lyrics are extremely sweet, and he played it really loud as if to say "This is how I feel about you". He pointed out the following part of the song:
"your arms in mine
any time
wouldn't trade anything
you're still my everything

to my suprise
before my eyes
you arrive

don't worry I'll catch you
don't worry I'll catch you
don't ever worry.."
AS much as I tried not to, it felt like he was saying these words to me. But he'snot supporting that by his behavior and I feel stupid for even thinking it. But I can not help it. Do you think this is stupid of me?